It seems almost surreal as I look around this house today and see packed up rooms and furnishings stripped down and ready to go and knowing I am not going with it. Finally 19 months after leaving me and moving out of our home, Julie, is moving out and taking the things that are going with her. Not only is Julie moving out, but so are my five beautiful children. Each of their rooms are packed and ready to go for the movers tomorrow. Even my 17 year old son, Courtney, who has lived me since the first day he walked into my home 15 years ago. long before I ever knew Julie. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Yet as a 17 year old, he can't process this transition emotionally and just becomes flat and unemotional and does not want to talk to me. Makes me feel as though I have failed him and I guess to a degree I have. Him and all his brothers and sisters too. I am finding I am more emotional than I expected thru this transition and at times nearly undone! I keep doing everything in my power to keep busy and focused on things I can do. Yet I feel like at some point it will blow. I truly am undone.
The truth is that grief comes in phases and at odd times. Once the movers are gone tomorrow and this home is just a house with empty rooms that will echo I am sure I will find it very hard. A couple of nights ago I had the privilege of being with my children for a few hours and putting them to bed at Julie's mom's house. As I laid an adorable little sleeping AJ in his bed and tucked him in I felt a tear slide down my cheek knowing that I don't know when I will be given the privilege to do that again. To caress his warm cheek, to run my fingers through his hair, to feel his arms around me and to hear him yell "Daddy" as loud as he can when I am literally a foot away from me. I am undone....
To you parents out there who are just glad to get your kids to bed at the end of the day, (I get it) treasure every moment There are no guarantees in this life! It is a privilege to be a parent.....You need to get that. We take it for granted. Yet it seems that judges can base decisions on anything but actual fact to take them away from loving parents. I try hard not to be bitter, yet it is so difficult. It is clear that the judge stepped outside the bounds of his jurisdiction on this issue, yet hides under the guise of "what's in the best interest of the child!" It leaves me undone!
Yes I am looking at all my legal options and I clearly have several. I will do whatever I need to get my kids back. Yet I have to be able to afford such action and still be able to live. Due to all the stress my health issues have started acting up again and requiring some additional medical intervention. Nothing serious but annoying nonetheless. Needless to say, today is not one of my better days. I am thankful that my children will finally have some stability and an established routine again in a home of their own with their mother. The part that makes me sad is that I won't be a part of that routine and daily life issues unless their mother allows it. Yes the judge gave her full control of when I can see my children, for how long I can see my children, how often I see my children and to determine who is appropriate to supervise my visits. Ridiculous is what it is! Never have I heard of such a crazy messed up way of managing a father's visitation with his children. I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG TO JUSTIFY THIS!
Truly I am not trying to put down the children's mother as for the most part she is being reasonable. She didn't ask for this arrangement from the judge. She testified on the stand she had no issues with my parenting and said I was a good father. I am so confused about it all. The only thing is that I do think she could have influenced the judges final decision, but chose not to. Thus throwing us all into more legal wrangling in the months ahead. She is mistaken if she thinks I am just going to let this go. Even if it appears I am not doing anything to pursue custody, trust me the wheels are in motion. Just everything takes time and money! Time is something I have plenty of, now if I could turn that time into money all would be good. I am making progress on selling as much as I can to get extra cash. Yet I have come to realize that even if I sell everything I own it still won't be enough! Any body know where I can sell a kidney on the black market? Ok kidding, sort I think. Just leave it as I am just undone!
Trust me, I am not feeling sorry for myself, but rather taking the time to acknowledge my feelings and emotions right now. I am not looking for pity or some such thing, but rather just encouragement and support as this journey continues. I am facing some difficult decisions ahead and I cannot deny they will not affect my children on some level, yet I am between a rock and a hard place. There are days when I will be fine and other days like today when I will just feel undone.
So as I close to go find something to do to keep me busy and occupied I just ask you keep my kids in your prayers as well as myself and even Julie. She has a lot on her plate! If there is anyway you can help financially please see the link below. I know you are not my source, but God is my source. I know when all is said and done it will be ok but right now I am just undone!
https://www.gofundme.com/theballardbunch
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