Today is December 30, 2015, and like most, I find myself being somewhat reflective and nostalgic about the past 12 months. What is it about the end of a year that causes our hearts and minds to want to stop and reflect and think back on what has happened in recent months? Can it be that we just don't take the time and truly reflect and meditate on what our life has been consumed by in the moment? Is it possible that we get ourselves so wrapped up in the day to day minutiae that we choose to ignore those quiet callings to come and sit and reflect and meditate on what is? Maybe it is the after Christmas let down! That time when the gifts are all unwrapped, the cardboard boxes are all shoved in the recycling bins, the left overs are starting to even look less enticing and we find ourselves just sitting and pondering! Pondering out of sheer exhaustion or just mental weariness with it all! Trying to find that inner strength and peace that will help us step into the new year and all that is ahead, both known and unknown! I say all that to share some of my musings and ponderances as I sit and enjoy the quiet and stillness of my home.
1) This year has taught me to live in the moment and not be so caught up in planning and having it all figured out all the time. For months I prepared to move out of this house and prepared accordingly to move into my next home. I packed all of my personal possessions, moved some things into storage and started looking at houses and quickly settled into a prolonged period of limbo while living in a house that will belong to the mother of my children when all is said and done. I kept waiting for that magical day when the judge would say it is done now go about your life and move! That day came several times this year but those words were never spoken. About 8 weeks ago, I was jarred from my limbo sleep and noted that I had stopped living and enjoying my daily life as I was too busy waiting for the next step. Steeped in disappointment and frustration, I realized that I was living in the next step and that I needed to own it and take charge of it. So that is what I did. I stopped living for the next step and started living for the now. I rearranged things in the house, I stopped living like I was living in her house, when in fact I was living in my family's home and that changed things immensely for me. From that point forward I was able to greet life with a new purpose and a new delight in each day rather than waiting for the NEXT! So instead of allowing Psalm 94:11 - The Lords knows all human plans; he knows that they are futile. I am now living by Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans!
2) Parenting is not an easy task by any means. Now if you know my story, you would think I would have figured this out by now. Yet as the Ballard Bunch continues to get older and develop into more human like creatures (yes creatures some days) I am constantly reminded that this parenting thing is hard. Whether it is the 16 year old who refuses to talk to me or come out of his room for days on end except for school and food or maybe it is the 7 year old I have discovered has become very adept at being sneaky and struggling with telling the truth without me even realizing, it is never boring! Let me say, PARENTING IS A CHOICE! A lot of folks out there choose not to parent their children or do it in such a way that it places those children at risk! I conscientiously CHOSE TO BE A PARENT to each of my five kids. Five times I stood before a judge and promised to care for each of my children and I would do it again in a heart beat! Even if I had the foreknowledge of things to come and how hard some days would be I would do it again! Each day I remind myself as I parent my kids, if not I, then who would parent the Ballard Bunch kids? Praying for my kids is something I do A LOT of! Many times those prayers are uttered on the fly and other times I have spoken or written specificprayers for my children individually and collectively. If I don't do that then I have already lost them. On the days when I don't see how things are going to get better for one of my kids I go back to Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future! This is the destiny for my children!
3) Stuff is just that - STUFF! As I have worked to legally end my marriage and deal with all the details of splitting a household, I just have to say I don't care about stuff anymore. It is just that! STUFF! Sure there are certain things I would like to have as I move on, but honestly, none of it is worth dying on a hill for! Most who know me, are aware that I have historically been attached to stuff! To my stuff and am a collector of many things (Clothes, Coca Cola, Scottie Dogs, Pictures, Santas, and I am sure there are more) but when I look at those things now I see weight and uselessness! Other than to give me some sort of weird satisfaction of obtaining the rare and hard to find objects for one of my collections they serve no real purpose in my life. Sure they can be nice to look at and somewhat enjoyable to use when I see fit, but really when it is all said and done I can't take it with me to the next realm! I have over the past year gotten rid of so much STUFF in my life and am still annoyed with the amount of stuff I have to contend with. I have watched those Tiny House Nation people on television a number of times and have been envious and thought, "I could never do that!" But honestly I am truly jealous of those people. To not be tied down by a house and too much stuff to fit into the trunk is annoying and so contrary to who God wants us to be. I want to be able to go and do without feeling tied down or trapped. I have a wonderful friend who grew up with a father who was a traveling evangelist and she literally grew up in the back seat of their family car. She often recalls that she had a box or suitcase that was for her personal belongings, toys, books and etc and that was all the room she was allotted. Whenever she was given something new, if it didn't fit she had to get rid of something else as there was just no room. This is quite a foreign concept for many of us, but really what she go in return was a healthy and grateful appreciation for what she has on any given day. Now as an adult she has had many boxes of stuff (I should know I packed them on a number of occasions) and yet she finds perfect contentment in what she has in front of her! She is grateful for what God has given her in that moment. I desire to have the kind of attitude my friend has! Stuff is stuff and while I have made strides in this area, it is my hope and prayer that I continue to whittle down my baggage as I move forward in life.
4) I LOVE MY MOM AND DAD! Most of us were taught to be obedient and honorable towards our mother and father as a child. As we get older and mature the relationship we share with those two people changes and transitions into something different. If you had told me 30 years ago when I was 16, I would still be THIS connected to my parents at age 46, I would have said ok right, whatever you say, in my typically sarcastic fashion. Yet the relationship I share with these two amazing people is wonderful and caring! I know that I know that they will be there for me whenever I need them as they continue to demonstrate that reality frequently. In return, I will be there for them whenever needed, such as the case of my father's recent surgery and recovery process. I still struggle with not being there enough for them as it is. I am blessed in that I live only 2 hours away (depending on how heavy my foot is) so I can get to them quickly as needed. I know that it grates on their nerves when I overstep my bounds as their son and want to be more involved in their business and affairs and medical well-being, yet I take my responsibility as the only child very seriously. I try hard to accept my role as their son in a way that is honorable and respectful to them. While we may not always agree on issues in my life or theirs, we have developed a mutual level of respect for each other. It amazes me the number of people who have been surprised at the level of honesty and respect and care we have for one another as parents and adult children. I hope my kids can have similar types of relationships when they are adults. The dictionary describes honor as a source of credit or distinction! I give them credit for raising me in the way that they did and lets face it they are people of distinction! To know my parents is to love them!
5) I DON"T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS! And I am ok with that. Being out of the day to day world of a career and job has given me a unique perspective. We are taught and encouraged in the work world to know our jobs and know them well! We are challenged to be better and bigger and go for the next level of achievement. We are motivated by various rewards to push beyond our normal limits to achieve more and to meet the bottom line and then some! Oh my heard hurts, just thinking about it all again! When I chose to quit my job and be a stay at home dad, it took me a good year to adjust to that way of life! Not punching the clock, reports, deadlines, mileage logs, etc. I learned to relax and allow life to become full of things that matter! What I finally realized this year as a result of not being under that constant push to learn, do, accomplish more was that I don't have all the answers and that is ok! I was always looking for the right answer even at home. The situation with my 14 year old son is a prime example! Will has been living in a residential treatment facility for a little over 2 years now and honestly it hurts deeply that he has been gone that long. Yes we still see him frequently and he just came home for Christmas for a couple of days and it was good to be with him, yet some revelations came to light for me as a result of his visit. He may never be completely bonded and attached to our family like I would like him to be. He may never see us as his forever family and may always lead somewhat of a distant relationship with us. He may choose to someday return to his birth family resulting in a break with our family. While it hurts to admit these things, it goes to show that no matter what I want for my son (he will always be my son) I don't have all the answers. I would prefer the answers come in pretty little packages that promise that we all lived happily ever after. Yet, I don't know if that will happen, but I pray and hope God will give me the strength and peace to accept whatever comes down the way with him! While we truly don't know what choices Will is able to choose in the future, I know I don't know the answers! I know what I would like the answers to be, but I can no longer keep developing these notions and ideas of what will come of this situation. Answers aren't about me....they are about my GOD!
As I have read through these musings and ponderances I see that the theme for me to latch on too would be making plans and unmaking plans! Whose plans are they to make? When, where and how do I implement plans for the future! Often people will flippantly throw out the phrase, "Not my will Lord, but yours be done!" Do we really mean it when we throw it out there casually in the wind! Are we prepared for what it means to submit to God's plans versus our own? It is my prayer for 2016 that I will step into that reality of living and allow His plans to guide and direct my life accordingly.
I admit as I sit here, I have ideas of what my life might look like a year from now. What I would like to see happen in the next 12 months, but in reality, not something I can completely control! I await and see what the Lord will do! Happy New Years to you all!
