DEMO DAY!

For those of us who are dreamers and schemers and in some cases even doers in the world of home renovations and garden makeovers and all that is HGTV and DIYTV you will recognize my new favorite shirt. Fresh off the presses at Magnolia Farms in Waco, Texas. Chip Gaines loves a great Demo Day and I couldn’t help but order one of these shirts for myself. Why you ask? First of all, it is just a cool shirt and very comfy I might add. Secondly, who doesn’t like and enjoy Demo Day! You get to break it, kick it, pound it, throw it, toss it, just kill the living snot out of anything that is in your way on Demo Day! What does not sound fun about that? Show me an American Male (and even some females) who would not enjoy that kind of recreational activity, even one as unusual as myself. I can get dirty! I can swing a hammer (as long as it doesn’t have to be right on the head of the nail). I am not opposed to wearing those cool looking safety goggles especially with my shorter hair style they can’t do as much damage to my Demo Day doo.

As I was going about my morning running errands and vainly admiring my cool new shirt I started pondering the fascination that we have with Demo Day and all things demolition. My mind began to churn on the concept of destroying something for a purpose whether it be to rebuild, get it out of the way or to just start over. It occurred to me that I have spent the majority of my life either protecting what I have built or I have demolished what I have built. Here recently it is as though I have been demolishing a lot of things in my path. Whether it be relationships, walls, furniture, finances, etc. Whatever does not seem to fit in my world right now I have been on one gigantic Demo Day extravanganza!

Further thought took me to the idea of some things I have learned from God Himself. How many times in the scriptures do we read thoughts such as the following? In Isaiah 57:14, And it will be said: “Build up, build up, prepare the road! Remove the obstacles out of the way of my people.” God Almighty is not opposed to setting things aside for our benefit. He is also not opposed to calling us to demolish things out of our way in order to accomplish the will for our respective lives. He would rather we tear it all down and start over then continue to do it in a way that does not reveal His true will for our lives. Even in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” He doesn’t want to continue to build things in our life that our like those of everyone else around us. I think that is one reason we are so fascinated by what they can do on those great Demo and Rebuild shows, they create new landscapes and textures and spaces that are new and not just like everyone else. Isn’t that how He himself created each of us. To be the unique version of who He has called us to be. Sometimes we just have to be willing to have a good old Demo Day and start anew

One of my all time favorite verses in the scriptures is from 1 Peter 2:9 where it refers to us as a “a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special (also read as unique) people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” I am chosen and royal and holy and special and unique according to the way He created me, just the way I am. My favorite word is unique/special and I even heard some versions say peculiar. I love that peculiar! If you know me you gotta know that word fits me perfectly! I am drawn to peculiar people and peculiar people are drawn to me and sometimes I think Lord, why me? Why me?

I have a bit of a bold and overwhelming personality at times, and I think that throws people off at times, especially at a time in our culture when it is all about being polically correct. Given my career path and choices as a foster adoptive parent I have played the PC games, but not any more! Those days are over. In Jeremiah 1:10 he says he appoints me over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant. We are not designed to accept the status quo, part of walking in the spirit of the Living God is to have a Demo Day Spirit! To put your Demo Day shirt on, flex your arm muscles, grab your designer safety goggles and tear down those things that are in the way of God’s plans for His people. As a result I am just peculiar enough to say time for Demo Day Dude and encourage those in my life to try again!

When we have completed our demo and started working on the rebuilding and renewing what was into what should be, He promises in Jeremiah 31:4 that “I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful.” Not only will He do what He promises but he says to celebrate it. Have a party celebrate the efforts of your work for it is not done in vain if done if according to His will and indeed shall be blessed.

It is interesting to me that I have taken this blog post in a different direction than I typically do in my writings, but for everything there is a time…..as you recently read from me! I don’t normally preach and quote scripture as it has never been my thing to do. I have hidden the word in my heart that it will carry me in days of darkness and it surely has! Yet it all just came rolling together as I was thinking about Demo Day and my cool new shirt and why I felt such an urge to get this shirt. Lord knows I don’t need another shirt, but this one has a meaning I didn’t completely acknowledge until I started meditating on the why! I like how things unfurl in such unusual ways.

This post has encouraged my own soul today as I rally in the midst of a rainy and damp, which does not do this body good! It also reminds me that as I continue down my own path of renewal towards final divorce, potential housing changes, kids starting summer break, etc  that the Demo Day process I am in right now is where I am supposed to be, as the day is quickly coming that I can truly start to rebuild and plant a new a life for my kids and I. In Thessalonians it reminds us to “encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” So even on this my Demo Day (must be true I got the shirt) I hope I have shed some encouragement on you as well!

This is what I know today…

1)      I love to demolish things!

2)      I am mildly dangerous with tools! Ok mildly might be an understatement!

3)      His ways are not always my ways!

4)    I am PECULIAR!  

4)      I am blessed!

By the grace of God....

In my post from yesterday I shared with you a mantra that I hold to. "By the grace of God I am a man of truth committed to integrity while living the adventure of a lifetime!" I indicated that some of you may think it is a joke to see words such as "truth" and "integrity" associated with me given events that led to the destruction of my marriage. I created that mantra during a very special experience that occurred several years before the separation and divorce became a reality. Looking back it is not surprising that during that intense time of sef reflection that I created my mantra to include those words. As those were words I ascribed to live by but frequently failed in those areas.

Today, May 12th is a day of significance for me and for many others I hold dear! Nine years ago on this day I became married to a woman for the first time. At 38 years old it was something I was convinced would never happen and yet there I stood at the front of the sanctuary watching her walk radiating down the aisle on her father's arm. It could not have been a more perfect day on just about every level. Yet as I sit here reflecting on the happenings of that day I do so with a sense of bitter sweetness. I truly believed at that time that I was doing the right thing and that I was in love with this woman. I was raised to believe this was God's design, what could go wrong, yet were there warning signs back then? Did I chalk those signs up to butterflies and nervousness about all the changes that were going on for both of us?

Since the initiation of our separation back in December 2014 I have often wondered what I would do differently to avoid all the pain and hurt my actions caused that led up to her decision to walk away. I have to admit that she did extend grace and forgiveness even before she came to her decision to separate and I appreciate her willingness to do that for me, for our family. It was clearly something I did not deserve as I did not exercise good judgement, did not tell the truth, I was not a man of integrity and I did not honor the vows I made to her on that day 9 years ago. I have apologized to her many times and I take this opportunity to apologize to those of you who were there that day to support us.

While divorce is never easy, I want to publicly acknowledge that she and I have continued to work very closely in the way we raise our children. We may disagree on other issues involved with divorce, but in managing our children and doing what is in their best interest we are typically always on the same page. When you are co-parenting five children who are very unique and most of the time high demand we knew we had to make it work. While our children have had their struggles with the separation and divorce we have done everything in our power to ease the turmoil and interruption to their day to day life. This can be challenging in the midst of our own mix of feelings towards one another. I am still blessed that she is working with me and not against me in terms of our children.

It is my hope and prayer that as the divorce finalizes in the next few weeks (I hope) we can move forward as friends as there are many things that I truly enjoy about her. I also want to acknowledge and thank her for indulgence and patience as I have continued to bring challenging scenarios into my life and the kids and as a result hers as well. While the paper may say divorced, we are permanently connected by virtue of our children and the support they need. There is not a day that goes by that does not require a phone discussion or face to face discussion regarding one child or another or maybe all five in one day (YIKES) and how to move forward with a challenge or opportunity. It would be a lie to say that at times we don't get irritated and frustrated with each other during those discussions, but we work it out.

Someone asked me the other day, if I knew then what I knew now, would you still have gone through with the marriage. I had no good answer as I truly thought I was doing the right thing that day and it seemed like the right thing to do. There were many wonderful times during our marriage and I truly enjoyed creating a family with her. So I can't answer that question without discounting the fact that four of my chidren would not be in my life had it not been for our marriage. I can't discount the relationships that were initiated and built in my own life as a result of her connections. She was a good wife in many ways and was always the first to acknowledge my strengths and tell others how she felt about me. It is with regret that I wish I had done more of that myself toward her.

So since the separation was initiated I have been constantly challenged by the reality that is "Truth" and "Integrity" and I continue to be mindful and conscientious of those aspects of my life. I do feel I have made progress in those area but I am not there, wherever there is! In the coming days I will delve more into the idea of Truth and Integrity and what they mean to me as a man of faith!

So this is what I know....
1) By the grace of God I am a man of truth committed to integrity while living the adventure of a life time.
2) I am not there yet, the journey is not over, nor do I suspect it ever will be this side of heaven.
3) I still care about my soon to ex-wife and have no ill will toward her. I still call on my children to honor her and bless her on a daily basis. That is my main job in terms of supporting her now! She is the mother of my children and I will always support those relationships.
4) I am carrying bittersweet today in my heart, but that is ok and normal.

I Know the Sound of Suffering....Quiet

I am sure many of you are aware of my abilities and disabilities. Each day these opportunities and limitations affect my life. These issues have been the forefront of my thoughts the past few days. I am not one to talk a lot about my limitations as I have tried hard not to allow my physical limits to stop me from living life to the fullest. (Sky diving, traveling the world, having kids, driving fast on country roads, cruises, and etc.)

One of my great mantras in life is as follows, "By the grace of God I am a man of truth and integrity while living the adventure of a lifetime." Some of you may have just laughed when reading those words in reference to me! Believe me there have been days when I have done the same. Yet I am not above human err! I humbly and even at times begrudgingly take responsibility for my faults and strive to learn from where I have not met the mark, especially in the areas of truth and integrity! But more on that later.

Today I ended up in the Emergency Room again to try and get some answers to the age old question I have carried with me my entire life, "What is wrong with me now?" For the past few weeks I have been having serious bouts of lower back pain which slowly ebbed into my hip and groin and in the past few days is now migrating to my upper thigh and knee....all on the left side. I have had multiple chiropractic adjustments since this all began with little or no relief. Let me assure this is of no reflection on my amazing chiropractor Dr. Sonia. Yet she is smart enough and willing to acknowledge when what she is doing to help me is not enough and agreed with me that I needed to see an orthopedist for further evaluation. For those of you in mid-Missouri go see Dr. Sonia at Health Quest in Jefferson City, you won't be sorry you did! Ok commercial break is over!

Several phone calls later I have an appointment with an orthopedist to get the process started yet again. Can't get in for a couple of weeks but I am scheduled. Yet when I awoke this morning and could barely move without tingling and pain I knew I had to do something sooner than later. I got the kids off to school and headed to my favorite ER at Capital Region...another great institution I might add. Sadly I have earned quite a few frequent flyer miles there over the past few years. I haven't figured out how to turn my miles at the ER into miles towards free airline tickets. Hmmmm... maybe the Donald can work on that once he hits the oval office.

They gave me 3 big needles straight in the hip......that was fun....yikes those were big and deep. Did an xray on my back to find nothing out of the ordinary for a 47 year old man, which I suspected would be the case. Insurance wouldn't approve an MRI (which is what I really needed) unless it was life threatening so now I wait to get an order from my primary doctor to go get an MRI. Oh the hoops I enjoy jumping through when I can barely move as it is. The good news is that my doctor has learned I know my body well and most likely wont make me come in for a visit but will order the MRI based on my request. I am grateful as that will expedite the process. The good thing about the ER trip was I got some great mood altering lay me flat on the bed medications to ease the pain and help me rest. It was a nice afternoon.

Sharing all this information with you is not an attempt to gain sympathy (but added prayers are always good), but rather to give you all a broader understanding of what people with chronic illness deal with on a daily basis. For those of who us may not present ourselves with obvious indicators of chronic illness we are even more at risk for receiving skepticism.When some find out I am on disability and cannot work anymore. I even had the joy (read disappointment) of explaining this situation to my 17 year old son the other day who accused me of being lazy and being unwilling to work so he can have more stuff and money. I had to explain the Social Security system and how for 25+ years I contributed to SS through my earnings. I had to explain to him that money was put aside by me and held by the government for such a time as this in my life. If it wasn't for that I don't know where we would be right now. Oh I know, and my parents are ever so grateful for the Social Security system. So while the Social Security system may have issues and many may abuse it, for me it is a God send and being used for its original intent in my life. Hopefully my wonderfully smart son will understand that someday, I just hope it is soon. HA!

On days when it is damp, cold, rainy, or even humid my pain levels can be off the chart. Those are the same days I push through and

• Take kids to school
• Attend school meetings
• Drive two hours to visit a child who is residing in a facility so he can come home soon and thrive (did I mention driving is the most pain inducing activity I can participate it)
• Go to the grocery
• Cook the meals
• Carry laundry up and down the stairs
• Try to keep this house somewhat clean
• And oh so much more.....

Then there are the days where there is no getting me to move as I am so weary and tired from pushing through the pain. I truly believe that pushing through the pain and living daily life  with pain is more tiring then just dealing with the pain alone. It is an emotional and spiritual battle that is nearly a constant in my spirit and mind. I try very hard to leave some energy in my tank so I can spend quality time with my kids when they are here, but many times I feel I am failing as I am so tired and get frustrated with myself that I can't do what I want for and with my kids.

Then starts the "bad dad" self inflicting guilt trips. The past couple of weeks have been a struggle indeed and in some cases I have failed miserably. I am blessed that Julie (my soon to be ex-wife and I) are still able to communicate and make good choices for our kids and support one another as needed through the parenting process. We both recognize when we have had enough and need a break even as a couple going through a divorce we see it in each other and offer support. Not only does it support us, it supports our kids and helps them see we are still a united front as their parents.

Admittedly there are many days I spend alone and without much contact with the outside world. It can be overwhelmingly silent at times, but I have and continuing to learn how to handle that silence in healthy ways. Those are the days I refer to as my "Silent Days of Suffering", don't they sound fun? If you ever wanna join me let me know! Again this is not a woe is me post, but rather helping others recognize what it is like to live with quiet chronic illness. I have had people say to me, "oh just get off your butt and get busy and you will be fine!" Honestly there are days there may be some truth to that, but not often! If you truly know me you know I am not a sit around and do nothing kind of guy! I love this one. "Just give it all to God He will be there for you!" You know what I hear when folks say that, "So what do you want me to do about it I ain't got time for your crap!" I am preaching to me on that one as well. I know God is always with me, yet in His perfect wisdom He has taught me to use my abilities and limitations as opportunities for growth and maturity. He is not the cause of my infirmities, but rather they are the result of living in a world that is messed up! 

Is He testing me through these seasons? He might be but when a teacher gives you a test they don't usually talk to you, do they? "Everything happens for a reason," is another one of those wonderful clichés we throw around, but I actually believe it to be true. Basically this is akin to the idea of, "To everything there is a season

A Time for Everything - Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:1-8

1 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

I have definitely have seasons in my life of all the descriptors listed above! Therefore I believe having Silent Days of Suffering is not all bad! The key is not have too many of them side by side.

It is true we may never know the battles our family members and friends might be dealing with on given day. Let us be cautious to not ascribe judgement and motive to other's actions when it may just be a "Silent Day of Suffering" from them which is best met with grace, time and a smile!

All of this to say, my body is failing me lately and it is affecting my ability to parent my kids when I need them most. I am doing everything in my power to get through this season yet not letting it stop me for the purpose of being there for my kids when they need me. Though I find when needed they can be there for me. This happened last night during a particular intense episode of pain.

AJ: What's wrong Daddy?
Daddy: I am hurting and my booboos are making me have lots of pain.
AJ: Here daddy sit down and I will hold your hand. (yelling near my ear) Lexi come here daddy needs us. (Lexi runs in all the while I am grimacing trying to down play the pain).
Lexi: Daddy what's wrong.
Daddy: I just need a few minutes to sit here and rest so the pain might go away
Lexi: Ok dad we will take care of you now. AJ go get daddy a can of coke, a really really cold one.
AJ: Got it (runs to the kitchen)
Lexi: Daddy you want me to get you some ice for your back.
Daddy: Sure honey that would be great. (Lexi takes off and passes AJ en route)
AJ: Here is your coke Daddy, is it cold enough.
Daddy: I am sure it is fine buddy.
AJ: I am going to rub your back for you daddy (and rubs my back tenderly and cautiously)
Lexi: (Returning with the ice pack) Here ya go daddy
AJ: Not there Lexi, I am rubbing his back there. Put it somewhere else.
Lexi (A little louder) No this is where it needs to go.
AJ: (even louder) Move Lexi I am taking care of Daddy!
Daddy: (trying to intervene before it gets physical) Ok you two have done so many nice things for daddy, I am better and so appreciate you taking care of me. But I think I got it now! Go ahead and go back outside and play
AJ: Yay,,,,,c'mon Lexi lets go find those turtLes again.
Lexi: Ok bye dad,,,,call us if you need us for anything.
AJ: Ya dad we are here for you, but after we find our turtles.

They turn and run out of the room as fast as they can the front door closing loudly behind them with their priorities clearly in order! The exchange lasted a minute or two at best, but I was touched at the moment of compassion they extended towards me. It gave me hope. So maybe one of the benefits of my situation is it gives opportunity to teach my kids some things about life.

So here is what I know....
I have a silent chronic illness that at times puts me down for a day or two and on rare occasions for much longer.
That others need to recognize that we can't always know what is going on with someone else who may be having an off day. Rather than being hurt or upset lets extend grace, maybe a listening ear and definitely a smile.
I am not a "bad-dad" and I do the best I can for my kids and I have faith that God is going to see them through.
That I am blessed that I am able to here for my kids at this time of their lives, even it is from the sidelines at times. I love being a dad and wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have an awesome Chiropractor......she has become a good friend!
And finally that sometimes good medications can do a body good! Kind of like milk!

Caution Children At Play....Caution Relationships At Work

Today I spent the day going to garage sales, managing my online garage sale business and being creative in the garage with all my good finds. It was one of those beautiful spring days when the sky was as blue as can be, the sun shone so bright, and temperature was perfect along with a nice breeze to help you float through the day. There were no phone calls from a single school (say what?) no seriously that is a feat in my life right now. It was truly a pleasurable day the only thing missing was sharing the day with someone else.

As I was going about my day the theme of my thoughts was that of relationship! Relationship I have to the world around me and the people therein. I was at one series of garage sales on this particular street and was struck by how the folks having the sales at the various homes were so friendly and kind and encouraging all the shoppers to check all the other sales up and down the block. I walked away from that set of sales wondering what kind of neighborhood that must be as the houses were different and the folks therein were just as different yet there was a sense of community that easily felt by those of us who were privileged to enter into their enclave for just a bit. This neighborhood was one I had never been in before (which is saying something given the size of Jeff City) but I was pleasantly surprised by this hidden gem nestled in the valley of one of our many hills.

Driving away I became thankful for the neighborhood in which I live and have relationship to on a daily basis. While the cars passing down our street have a tendency to drive too fast, I am so blessed by life here at “Ballard on the Green”, my nick name for the place I have called home for the past eight years. I know many of the neighbors by name and enjoy the comings and goings of the regulars. Every morning I see a gentleman who is surely in his 80’s as he walks by with his withered walking stick. He always raises his cane in greeting when he sees me or the kids, which is usually at 7:05 as we wait for the bus. Then we have the man who walks twice a day with his golden retriever named Callie. I only know Callie by name as my kids have made it their business to know every dog’s name that passes our house. Callie’s owner is always so polite and thoughtful to the kids and always gives a hearty hello as we pass one another. Then we have house right across the street where the activity is pretty constant as there is one young woman who lives full time in the house and then a variety of other folks who seem to come and go on a regular basis. It is interesting to me how much stuff can come and go in the back of a flatbed trailer and a pickup! This same house is blessed to have Nash (the great dane) as one of its inhabitants. Nash does not ever mean any harm, but when he gets loose and comes running over with his big black paws and huge tongue flapping you should see the kids go running for cover. Now this dog would never hurt anyone and is sweet as can be, but to the kids around these parts he is a wild horse that is bigger than they are.

Then that brings to me my own kids and dogs as I am sure they have made a significant impact on the neighborhood as a whole. The Ballard Bunch in addition to the brood next door number about 10 kids on any given day ranging from age 1 to 21. I am sure people when they drive by must think we must be some kind of group home or orphanage, though they would be wrong, it sure feels like it some days!

On the days when all the kids are out it is anything but peaceful. I can only hope and pray that the neighbors are blessed by the sounds of happy (mostly) children in the background. I can also pray that these same neighbors turn a deaf ear to the drum splitting screams of a child who was just the victim of another child’s errant fist or bicycle wheel that crushed their foot which will surely prevent them from ever walking backwards again (these are true sentiments people). Then there are the sounds of parental voices calling serendipitously to their children to come in for dinner after all we model our lives like the Cleavers and Nelsons. NOT! Honestly it feels more like I am one of the castaways who were voted off SURVIVOR Island during a tribal council of all of the children. Somedays it is all about strategy in how to get the kids in the house when the day is done without a temper tantrum on the front lawn from a kid and somedays even a parent.  Our house has also been known to be frequented by the police from time to time! I know right???? Don’t ask – what happens on the Meadow stays on the Meadow! So needless to say I have relationship with some great law enforcement officers in this town.

 

 

My four legged dogs have a tendency to want to get out and play. I have been so blessed in that every time those little Scotties have flown the coop that a kind neighbor has captured them and let us know that Maggie and Duncan have gone on a walkabout once again. Not to mention the fact that my darling pooches have their moments of extreme barking from the backyard. You know the old phrase, “Seen and not heard.” Well Maggie and Duncan cannot be seen from their posts in the backyard so they have made it their mission to be heard!

 

The kids have found a trail from our backyard down the creek past two other houses to a lovely grotto of trees where the creek tends to form a pool of very shallow water which somehow always manages to get their entire lower body soaked (whether it be January or July)! This oasis of water is behind the home of one dear older lady who has always been so kind to the kids. The kids love going down and talking to Miss Gloria and if they are lucky their granddaughter who is in high school is there and plays with them. Ms. Gloria always speaks to them and on more than one occasion has stopped and left a bag of fresh fruit or a box of cheerios on our doorstep! It is so cute, she obviously subscribes to the group home theory! LOL

All these neighborhood connections remind me of the one neighborhood I spent the longest in as a child. That would be over in Glendale (St. Louis suburb) on Nancy Carol Lane which we lived for four and half years, the longest we lived anywhere when I was growing up. There was Bill and Cindy a brother and sister that lived two doors up. Then Gretchen lived across the street and down two houses with her brother Bryan and then further down the street was a girl named Catherine. I remember during a series of snow days we would take turns eating lunch at each other’s homes. Don’t know why that sticks out for me, but it does. The other thing that sticks out was the day I was riding behind Gretchen on her bike and my shoe lace got caught in the chain and we all nearly died, or so we thought. Our house situated on our street towards the bottom of a big hill (I drove down that modest incline recently) and was the perfect place for roller skate races, bike trips and other adventures. It was also on this street that my 5^th grade teacher Mr. Marshall and his wife Beth lived. It was so great having Harley, which we were allowed to call him when not in school, nearby and he was always so friendly. This was the late 70s and early 80’s when male teachers was still somewhat rare, but he was a cool dude, or so we thought! There were two single ladies who lived next door to us and were always kind and friendly and while no one ever said it, I am sure now they were a couple. So funny I never even thought about that until just now. Never once were we worried about what time it was or who might be creeping in the neighborhood. We were safe and we all knew it.

I may be a bit naïve to think our neighborhood here on the Green is safe as life in Glendale was some 35 years ago, but I have come to know who is who and lord knows they all know who we are and where we live! While we may not have blocks parties in the summer and Christmas contests during the winter months I have a fairly strong sense of safety due to the relationships that exists. The brood family next door and I have a great relationship and we are all great friends as our kids tend to come and go between our two houses and yards which is great and I love it. I especially love it when those same kids from the brood walk in to my house without knocking wanting to know where my kids are or if I would kiss their booboo as I am closer than their mom or dad at the moment. Then there are the moments when we have to remind the little boys not to pee and poop outside! Oh the joy of it all!

Relationship is what we make of it. I love the relationship I have with my community here at Ballard on the Green. What are you doing with your neighborhood? Do you know your neighbors? Do they know you? It is the time of year to open the doors and go outside and give a friendly wave or have a casual chat. Stop hiding on the back deck and venture back to the front yard and take a chance on relationship that is right outside your front door which is where you will find me and the brood family watching the kids play and yelling at the cars to slow down as they drive by!

 

 

 

A Time to Honor and Remember.....Paul Gibbs

Recently our family lost a loved one due to complications of Alzheimer’s disease which is very sad tragic way to rob an individual of his independence, dignity and finally his life! As a small group of family members and friends gathered to honor and remember Uncle Paul’s 90 years of life I was struck by a variety of thoughts and feelings.

First of all I was saddened by the fact that no matter how hard I tried I could not make the trip to be a part of the small remembering crowd yesterday under the bright blue and sunny skies overlooking a lake in southern Springfield. Health issues, kid issues, timing issues and etc. etc. just kept getting in the way and no matter how hard I tried to make it happen it just wasn’t going to work! My heart was saddened and disappointed by not being able to be there to say a final farewell to a very distinct and beloved member of this family. My feelings ranged from guilt to relief throughout the day yesterday as I thought about my Aunt Marie who was saying a final goodbye to the man she called husband for fifty plus years.

As I went through the process of determining if I could be in attendance it occurred to me that as a society our ability to honor and respect those who have passed has changed so much as we have transitioned to this younger generation. No more do people do everything in their power to attend a funeral or even a visitation. My grandparent’s generation spent a great deal of time and energy managing the death and funeral process. People used to set time aside to honor and respect those who had gone before them. Life stopped for a day or two as they took time manage their grief and sadness and were allowed to do that with by others. Now people are lucky to be able to get an hour or two off to attend a service or visitation session assuming they even see it as a priority. This realization truly set me back. I don’t write this to make anyone feel bad or guilty, but as a retelling of my own journey!

When my brother, Jeff, died when I was 11 years old it was an amazing three days of sadness, healing, loss, laughter, family and most of all love! The night Jeff died, I vividly recall my father entering the room where I was and telling me that, “Jeffy had go to heaven to be with Jesus!” Crawling into his lap to cry silently into his shoulder I felt my father’s love as his own years fell into my hair and it was the greates bonding moment we ever shared as father and son. Within an hour our home was filled with family and friends who came to be with us. I remember the sounds of laughter and sight of loved ones sharing memories and hugs as we all grieved together. My brother’s two year illness had taken a toll on our family as a whole and there was a sense of relief that filled the air that night. Not relief for any of us, but rather relief for Jeff that he was no longer suffering and in pain. Watching my brother suffer though his illness had a profound effect on me as a boy and even now as a man. I thank my parents for the choice they made to allow me to be a part of his illness rather than be shielded from the situation. It has given me mercy and compassion that I am not sure I would have without those experiences. My father tucked me in that cold February 20^th night with the house still full of family and friends. He sat on the side of my bed in the room I had shared with my brother and said a prayer with me as I prepared to sleep and I still remember the tear that streaked down his cheek as he bid me goodnight and it donned on me in that moment that I was his only living child.

The following three days were full of casseroles (blek) and people coming and going and the actual visitation and funeral itself. The day of the visitation I remember not wanting to see Jeff lying in that casket. When I did finally go see him I couldn’t believe it was him and it did not look like my brother to me and I couldn’t look any more. I turned and the only person standing there was our pastor and he held me in his arms and let me cry. We sat down and he just let me get it all out. After that initial moment of grief I felt my own personal relief and was able to view the remaining hours of the wake as a party as my cousins, friends and I explored the funeral home. Hey I was 11 and my parents and I were the center of attention and I pretty much got anything I wanted and I got to ride in a limo!

My grandparents used to attend the funeral or wake of family members or friends without fail and even attended those of friends and family of friends and families that they might not have even known well. I used to think as a child that they were just being nosey and didn’t have enough to do, but as an adult I say, “Shame on me for thinking such a thing!”  Kudos to Nanny, Pappaw and Gram others of their generation who took time to honor and remember and to be there for ones most lost in grief. I admit I have failed in this area in my life, and from this time forward that will change.

The ability to deal with one’s own grief and sadness at the passing of a loved one is an entire separate field of study within psychology and I have to wonder the following. Has our society’s willingness to allow other things to be more important than to honor, respect and grieve our losses created a society that cannot appropriately process loss and grief? In return has this transformation fed into the reality that our society is more disconnected than ever before.

I cannot go a single day without thinking about those who have gone on before me. Whether it is my brother, Jeff, Nanny, Gram, Pappa, Aunt Jeanne, Aunt Judy, Uncle Jerry, Aunt Martha and now Uncle Paul and others who have touched my life in such powerful ways. I remember these characters of my life story with fondness and find myself smiling and aching to hear the sound of their voices or laughter. As those sounds echo in my soul I thank God for allowing those characters to play a role in my life! Without each of those folks I would not be who I am today. As each of these individuals passed from this life to the next I have been privileged to take time and honor and celebrate each of their lives! This blog entry serves as my special remembrance and moment of honor to Uncle Paul.

A few words about this man, who was a bit of a mystery, enigma, paradox, hmmmm, let’s just suffice it to say he was “something!” Millard Paul Gibbs was born into a God fearing family of faith and he was surrounded by love and faith his entire life. He endured great tragedy and provided great mercy and compassion to those he cared about. He met his wife and helped her heal and grow beyond her own past and hurt. Though he was never to have children of his own, we all knew who those special folks (Mojo) were in his life that were like his own children. I love that they together were foster parents to several children during the late 60’s and early 70’s, which of course is one of my own passions. This man knew the Way, the Truth and the Life! He knew scripture inside and out and there was no other team but the St. Louis Cardinals. He loved his Boston Terriers (Dusty, Spooky and Tag) and he could walk miles in a day (right Jay)! He never appeared to be afraid of anything, especially when dangling from precarious positions atop a ladder!

One of the interesting things about him was that he was not self-exalting and in many ways very humble and avoided the limelight at all costs right down to always holding his hand up to the camera when someone said “Cheese!” Who doesn’t have a picture of Uncle Paul with the famous hand blocking his face! The greatest example of this characteristic was that he spent two years in active military service during WWII but yet never talked about it. I didn’t even know this until a few years ago! I truly believe that he never spoke of it as he did not feel his service as a mechanic or office staff was not as significant as those he knew who lost their lives on the front line. Now any one of us would gladly recognize that his contributions helped keep America safe, but given the man he was it is likely he wasn’t going to take credit for something that couldn’t even compare to those who lost their lives!

Uncle Paul (or Aunt Millie as I liked to teasingly call him) loved a good joke and had a nick name for many of his loved ones. I admit I will miss him calling me Brockalene! Ohhhh how I used to hate that. If he had a hose nearby we all learned to steer clear and on the flipside sit and watch all of us young’uns try and sneak up on him with a hose when he wasn’t looking and to gently remind those youngun’s that his payback were always worst, just ask Sheila. One of my fondest memories is watching my oldest son, Squirter (Courtney), as he would try time and time again to get one up on Uncle Paul. He was no respector of age, it wasn’t just the kids he would get with the hose, and he would even go after the older folks which was always a blast for us young folks to see in action. Watching the older folks go a running from the hose and screamin’ and hollerin’ all the way amidst laughter. These are the memories that make me smile and even lose a tear from time to time.

One of the most tender moments I have of Uncle Paul is when he was advancing in his years and in the disease and was already living in a memory care unit and my 2^nd oldest son, Will, and I were there to visit him. I think all the kids were there that day, but Will stepped up and started talking to Uncle Paul and even convinced him to sit down and play some tunes on the organ. On another day, Will took Paul on a walk down the alley behind my parent’s home and around the block. It was ordinary moment for both of them, but for many of us watching it was a tender moment that we will never forget. Even in the later years Uncle Paul had a way with those who were hurting most. I am grateful that he never shunned my children but accepted them and loved them for who they are! I don’t know why but Uncle Paul and Will were a good match the two of them. I am sad that they weren’t able to develop that relationship into something deeper.

There are so many more things I could say about this man yet the most important thing I can say is that he loved God first and foremost and loved Aunt Rea and did anything he could to keep her happy and for that I am thankful. I am proud to call him Uncle and know he is playing that heavenly organ and I am sure in charge of the hose up there. So when you get there and see a man with a hose! I know one thing.....you better RUN!

All this to say, as we enter into the days of the month of May, which holds Memorial Day in the U.S. and the Day of Remembrance in Israel (honoring those lost in the Holocaust) let us not forget those we have lost and those who may still be hurting as a result of those losses. Let us not be ashamed to share with someone else that we are sad and hurting as the result of losing a loved one. Take time and remember and share those memories with someone else. Better yet ask someone to share a special memory of someone that has gone before them. Let us not forget…I KNOW I WON'T!