Guilt and failure are powerful tools for both defeat and success. In this household we have reached a critical crossroads with our youngest son AJ. The monsters and demons of mental health have once again reared their ugly heads and hit this 10 year old boy with a vengeance. I have shared bits and pieces of his story and that of his oldest sister's over the past few months and years. Yet their journeys continue to twist and turn through their young lives.
Let me first and foremost say I recognize that I am sharing THEIR stories - and let me assure you that they have given me permission to share their stories if it helps themselves and others in the long run. If I have learned anything in my life is that living a life of transparency is a hard difficult choice, but it is the choice that allows me to live in the light and in freedom. Free from guilt and fear and secrecy and even paranoia. I challenge my children to live with a self concept that accepts themselves for who they are warts (mental health issues) and all. Until we as a society destigmatize the mental health crisis that we are living in then young people such as AJ and Lyric will continue to scream silently (or not so silently) for help.
Since late summer 2021 we have watched AJ turn inward and more downcast than ever before. We have had periods of similar challenging behavior from him in the past, but we have always been able to move past it. This time he has continued to cycle downward over the past 6 months. Days upon days of struggle have encompassed this family. I have heard it said that ANGER is FEAR turned inward. Let me be the first to tell you that this boy is experiencing some intense fear in his life as his outward anger is out of control to the point that he is hurting himself, his mother and I, his siblings, his peers and teachers and support staff at school. His professional treatment team is trying so hard to do what they can to find the answers for AJ, yet we continue to keep coming back to the drawing board.
AJ is not responding to typical therapeutic medications and treatments for a child his age with mental illness issues. The medicines either do not work or make the situation worst. He has nearly spent more days out of school than in school due to his behaviors at school which are very challenging for school staff. Let me say that his school staff team have been awesome this year and are doing everything they know to do to help him and keep him in school as much as possible. His principal, the school behavior coach and the special education team are working their hardest to support AJ to be successful, sadly his mental health issues are keeping his success at bay.
We reached a point last week when we took him to the psychiatric hospital by ambulance but there were no beds to keep him. The doctors knew he needed to be admitted but they could not hold him longer than 36 hours, which was just long enough for AJ's mom and I to get a full night of sleep. No place for him in this safe place because the place was full. They called five different facilities within 2 or 3 hour radius and they were all full. This country is so blinded by the COVID epidemic that they are not looking at the other epidemic that is going on and becoming worst. And now they are saying that one of the long term effects of COVID is long term mental health issues for kids and adults both who have had COVID. AJ has not had COVID and he has been tested several times over the past few months and always came back negative.
Yesterday a bed was finally found for him to be hospitalized yet again as we continue to find the right combination of therapies to keep his mental illness in check. A combination that will allow him to participate in life and school and fun regular 10 year old stuff without constantly fighting on the front line of his own personal war. I spoke with the doctors today and begged them to keep him as long as needed to get it right. So often they only keep 3 - 5 days and make changes and do not really assess if the protocols they changed actually helped. They send him home and see how he does, but in the mean time it only causes more damage to him as we have found very few right answers for him.
Please hear me when I say, I WANT HIM HOME NOW, there is no better place for him to be, but right now he needs more help than we can provide. He needs more safety protocols than we can provide for him at home. AJ's mom and I have scratches, bruises and horrible memories of having to physically restrain him here at home to keep him and of our family safe. There are holes in walls and items destroyed here in our him. His sisters need to be relieved from the stress of living with his anger outbursts and verbal assaults and threats. I miss my sweet boy immensely and want nothing more than his sweet hugs right now. Yet I know he is where he needs to be. I just hope and pray this is the time the doctor's get it right!!!!
It is easy for me to fall into the self defeating thoughts of guilt and failure as his parent. What did I do wrong? Am I expecting too much? Does him being away from me damage my relationship with my son? Am I making the right choices? Have I failed him? I know I am not perfect, but so many times I feel like I have failed him and get caught in the river of guilt that goes with this journey. While there is relief that he is temporarily safe and under someone else's care it comes with guilt that I have failed him somehow if I cannot even keep him safe here at home. So whether he is here or at the hospital I am always trapped under a load of my own emotional baggage. So as I was pondering all these things I realized the guilt and failure could be used in two ways. They can be used to trap me into the crazy cycles of emotional turmoil or they can be used to facilitate change and demand answers for my son's well-being long term.
I do not know what is different now other than I am sick and tired of my son being tormented by mental illness. I am done with the mental health system wreaking havoc on him and this family. I am determined now more than ever to get answers and solutions to give my boy relief. Now is the time to keep digging more and more and more. No more half assed answers from professionals. No more this is best we can do for now results! We are not just going back to the drawing board but new drawing boards we have never explored before.
We need our family and friends to join us on this journey. So many people are wary of getting involved! Please do not let your own fear and ignorance get in the way of reaching out and offering an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on or a meal to share or whatever you have to offer. Lyric and AJ's mom, Julie, and I are tired and worn out and doing our best to keep things moving forward. This situation has effected our jobs and our finances and our friendships and relationships with others. It has impacted how we can be there for our parents when they need us. If our kids had cancer or some other hideous medical condition would you hesitate to reach out? Mental Health is a medical condition and can be life threatening if not kept under control. We need your prayers and if you know of a specialist or someone who tried this or that feel free to send your thoughts to us, don't expect us to do every idea you send us because we have tried a lot over the past few years.
Our world has shrunk quite a bit as a result of our kids journeys with mental illness over the past few years. Part of that is our fault as we were lost in our own feelings of shame and failure regarding our kids mental health issues, but we are moving beyond that now. Honestly when people say how can they help I don't have a good answer. But knowing people are willing definitely helps.
Please do not forget about AJ, Lyric, Alexis, Will, Courtney, Julie or I as we continue to navigate this difficult mountainous and valley filled journey we are on. Thank you for caring enough to read this all way through. We will keep you posted.
