Today is December 30, 2015, and like most, I find myself being somewhat reflective and nostalgic about the past 12 months. What is it about the end of a year that causes our hearts and minds to want to stop and reflect and think back on what has happened in recent months? Can it be that we just don't take the time and truly reflect and meditate on what our life has been consumed by in the moment? Is it possible that we get ourselves so wrapped up in the day to day minutiae that we choose to ignore those quiet callings to come and sit and reflect and meditate on what is? Maybe it is the after Christmas let down! That time when the gifts are all unwrapped, the cardboard boxes are all shoved in the recycling bins, the left overs are starting to even look less enticing and we find ourselves just sitting and pondering! Pondering out of sheer exhaustion or just mental weariness with it all! Trying to find that inner strength and peace that will help us step into the new year and all that is ahead, both known and unknown! I say all that to share some of my musings and ponderances as I sit and enjoy the quiet and stillness of my home.
1) This year has taught me to live in the moment and not be so caught up in planning and having it all figured out all the time. For months I prepared to move out of this house and prepared accordingly to move into my next home. I packed all of my personal possessions, moved some things into storage and started looking at houses and quickly settled into a prolonged period of limbo while living in a house that will belong to the mother of my children when all is said and done. I kept waiting for that magical day when the judge would say it is done now go about your life and move! That day came several times this year but those words were never spoken. About 8 weeks ago, I was jarred from my limbo sleep and noted that I had stopped living and enjoying my daily life as I was too busy waiting for the next step. Steeped in disappointment and frustration, I realized that I was living in the next step and that I needed to own it and take charge of it. So that is what I did. I stopped living for the next step and started living for the now. I rearranged things in the house, I stopped living like I was living in her house, when in fact I was living in my family's home and that changed things immensely for me. From that point forward I was able to greet life with a new purpose and a new delight in each day rather than waiting for the NEXT! So instead of allowing Psalm 94:11 - The Lords knows all human plans; he knows that they are futile. I am now living by Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans!
2) Parenting is not an easy task by any means. Now if you know my story, you would think I would have figured this out by now. Yet as the Ballard Bunch continues to get older and develop into more human like creatures (yes creatures some days) I am constantly reminded that this parenting thing is hard. Whether it is the 16 year old who refuses to talk to me or come out of his room for days on end except for school and food or maybe it is the 7 year old I have discovered has become very adept at being sneaky and struggling with telling the truth without me even realizing, it is never boring! Let me say, PARENTING IS A CHOICE! A lot of folks out there choose not to parent their children or do it in such a way that it places those children at risk! I conscientiously CHOSE TO BE A PARENT to each of my five kids. Five times I stood before a judge and promised to care for each of my children and I would do it again in a heart beat! Even if I had the foreknowledge of things to come and how hard some days would be I would do it again! Each day I remind myself as I parent my kids, if not I, then who would parent the Ballard Bunch kids? Praying for my kids is something I do A LOT of! Many times those prayers are uttered on the fly and other times I have spoken or written specificprayers for my children individually and collectively. If I don't do that then I have already lost them. On the days when I don't see how things are going to get better for one of my kids I go back to Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future! This is the destiny for my children!
3) Stuff is just that - STUFF! As I have worked to legally end my marriage and deal with all the details of splitting a household, I just have to say I don't care about stuff anymore. It is just that! STUFF! Sure there are certain things I would like to have as I move on, but honestly, none of it is worth dying on a hill for! Most who know me, are aware that I have historically been attached to stuff! To my stuff and am a collector of many things (Clothes, Coca Cola, Scottie Dogs, Pictures, Santas, and I am sure there are more) but when I look at those things now I see weight and uselessness! Other than to give me some sort of weird satisfaction of obtaining the rare and hard to find objects for one of my collections they serve no real purpose in my life. Sure they can be nice to look at and somewhat enjoyable to use when I see fit, but really when it is all said and done I can't take it with me to the next realm! I have over the past year gotten rid of so much STUFF in my life and am still annoyed with the amount of stuff I have to contend with. I have watched those Tiny House Nation people on television a number of times and have been envious and thought, "I could never do that!" But honestly I am truly jealous of those people. To not be tied down by a house and too much stuff to fit into the trunk is annoying and so contrary to who God wants us to be. I want to be able to go and do without feeling tied down or trapped. I have a wonderful friend who grew up with a father who was a traveling evangelist and she literally grew up in the back seat of their family car. She often recalls that she had a box or suitcase that was for her personal belongings, toys, books and etc and that was all the room she was allotted. Whenever she was given something new, if it didn't fit she had to get rid of something else as there was just no room. This is quite a foreign concept for many of us, but really what she go in return was a healthy and grateful appreciation for what she has on any given day. Now as an adult she has had many boxes of stuff (I should know I packed them on a number of occasions) and yet she finds perfect contentment in what she has in front of her! She is grateful for what God has given her in that moment. I desire to have the kind of attitude my friend has! Stuff is stuff and while I have made strides in this area, it is my hope and prayer that I continue to whittle down my baggage as I move forward in life.
4) I LOVE MY MOM AND DAD! Most of us were taught to be obedient and honorable towards our mother and father as a child. As we get older and mature the relationship we share with those two people changes and transitions into something different. If you had told me 30 years ago when I was 16, I would still be THIS connected to my parents at age 46, I would have said ok right, whatever you say, in my typically sarcastic fashion. Yet the relationship I share with these two amazing people is wonderful and caring! I know that I know that they will be there for me whenever I need them as they continue to demonstrate that reality frequently. In return, I will be there for them whenever needed, such as the case of my father's recent surgery and recovery process. I still struggle with not being there enough for them as it is. I am blessed in that I live only 2 hours away (depending on how heavy my foot is) so I can get to them quickly as needed. I know that it grates on their nerves when I overstep my bounds as their son and want to be more involved in their business and affairs and medical well-being, yet I take my responsibility as the only child very seriously. I try hard to accept my role as their son in a way that is honorable and respectful to them. While we may not always agree on issues in my life or theirs, we have developed a mutual level of respect for each other. It amazes me the number of people who have been surprised at the level of honesty and respect and care we have for one another as parents and adult children. I hope my kids can have similar types of relationships when they are adults. The dictionary describes honor as a source of credit or distinction! I give them credit for raising me in the way that they did and lets face it they are people of distinction! To know my parents is to love them!
5) I DON"T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS! And I am ok with that. Being out of the day to day world of a career and job has given me a unique perspective. We are taught and encouraged in the work world to know our jobs and know them well! We are challenged to be better and bigger and go for the next level of achievement. We are motivated by various rewards to push beyond our normal limits to achieve more and to meet the bottom line and then some! Oh my heard hurts, just thinking about it all again! When I chose to quit my job and be a stay at home dad, it took me a good year to adjust to that way of life! Not punching the clock, reports, deadlines, mileage logs, etc. I learned to relax and allow life to become full of things that matter! What I finally realized this year as a result of not being under that constant push to learn, do, accomplish more was that I don't have all the answers and that is ok! I was always looking for the right answer even at home. The situation with my 14 year old son is a prime example! Will has been living in a residential treatment facility for a little over 2 years now and honestly it hurts deeply that he has been gone that long. Yes we still see him frequently and he just came home for Christmas for a couple of days and it was good to be with him, yet some revelations came to light for me as a result of his visit. He may never be completely bonded and attached to our family like I would like him to be. He may never see us as his forever family and may always lead somewhat of a distant relationship with us. He may choose to someday return to his birth family resulting in a break with our family. While it hurts to admit these things, it goes to show that no matter what I want for my son (he will always be my son) I don't have all the answers. I would prefer the answers come in pretty little packages that promise that we all lived happily ever after. Yet, I don't know if that will happen, but I pray and hope God will give me the strength and peace to accept whatever comes down the way with him! While we truly don't know what choices Will is able to choose in the future, I know I don't know the answers! I know what I would like the answers to be, but I can no longer keep developing these notions and ideas of what will come of this situation. Answers aren't about me....they are about my GOD!
As I have read through these musings and ponderances I see that the theme for me to latch on too would be making plans and unmaking plans! Whose plans are they to make? When, where and how do I implement plans for the future! Often people will flippantly throw out the phrase, "Not my will Lord, but yours be done!" Do we really mean it when we throw it out there casually in the wind! Are we prepared for what it means to submit to God's plans versus our own? It is my prayer for 2016 that I will step into that reality of living and allow His plans to guide and direct my life accordingly.
I admit as I sit here, I have ideas of what my life might look like a year from now. What I would like to see happen in the next 12 months, but in reality, not something I can completely control! I await and see what the Lord will do! Happy New Years to you all!
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Thursday, November 5, 2015
The lost boy....
It has been a little over four and a half years ago when Will Andrew Ballard walked into my life. As many of you know that was not his name at the time, he specifically chose this name himself prior to his adoption. As you see his face in these photos you will see many things! Joy, Sadness, Chaos, Peace, Mistrust, Trust and oh the layers his soul contains!
Many of you know his story already and with each passing day his story seems to become more complex. This week marks two years since we made the difficult choice to place him in a residential facility for troubled kids. I never in my wildest dreams thought he would be gone for so long. Early on during his time away, dealing with the guilt of making that choice was overwhelming yet I was able to develop a new normal, whatever that means. Weekend visits at the facility as well as occasional visits home and weekly phone calls seems to help, but yet I fear we have lost much during this time.
I stop and think that there are pieces of his daily life I know nothing about. That is hard for me as I am typically so involved in the daily comings and goings of all my kids! I do know he has gone from a sie 8 shoe to a size 14 shoe! YIKES! The entire notion of trusting your child's well-being to strangers is very challenging. Reminds me of how birth parents that lose their kids and then have to trust someone else is raising their kids in a way that is healthy! I have the hope of knowing and awaiting his return home, but some times it feels like I may be waiting an eternity.
Will has been heavy on my heart in recent days and while I do not know why, I do know that my prayers for him have been intensified. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is making progress and actually accepting and asking for help when needed. Those things give me hope! I also know that Will has to make his own choices about how he is going to live his life!
Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about the future and when I think about his future, I often pause! We have all heard the tragic stories of kids who have been lost in the system, even after adoption. The kids who have walked away from loving wonderful adoptive families because they do not see themselves worthy of being a part of something so wonderful. Or maybe it is the guilt that they have abandoned their family of origin is too much and they return to them when they become of age! Then we hear the success stories of kids being adopted and having a life that is rich and full and likely a path they could have never traveled had they not been adopted. This leads me to wonder which path Will's feet shall travel in the years ahead.
At the age of 14, this amazing young man with a beautiful smile and caring heart has encountered much. I just wonder if he truly knows what a difference he has made in my life and the many others lives he has encountered since coming into our family. I am not sure he is really the lost boy, but rather it is I who is the lost boy! Lost without my son in my daily life! Lost knowing my son is hurting and growing and I can't be there to comfort him and cheer him on. I am the lost boy in this story.....I am lost not having all my kids under the same roof! I am lost not hearing his boisterous voice echo through the hallways of this home every day!
Yet, I KNOW THIS....Will is not lost!
I KNOW THIS.....For such a time as this, Will is where he needs to be! I am clear that Will could not have handled the divorce process if he were here.
I KNOW THIS.....Will is coming home and he will be stronger than before
I KNOW THIS....Will is a child of God and that means the plans for his life have been established forever and amen!
Please keep Will in your prayers as he continues his journey home!
I stop and think that there are pieces of his daily life I know nothing about. That is hard for me as I am typically so involved in the daily comings and goings of all my kids! I do know he has gone from a sie 8 shoe to a size 14 shoe! YIKES! The entire notion of trusting your child's well-being to strangers is very challenging. Reminds me of how birth parents that lose their kids and then have to trust someone else is raising their kids in a way that is healthy! I have the hope of knowing and awaiting his return home, but some times it feels like I may be waiting an eternity.
Will has been heavy on my heart in recent days and while I do not know why, I do know that my prayers for him have been intensified. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is making progress and actually accepting and asking for help when needed. Those things give me hope! I also know that Will has to make his own choices about how he is going to live his life!
Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about the future and when I think about his future, I often pause! We have all heard the tragic stories of kids who have been lost in the system, even after adoption. The kids who have walked away from loving wonderful adoptive families because they do not see themselves worthy of being a part of something so wonderful. Or maybe it is the guilt that they have abandoned their family of origin is too much and they return to them when they become of age! Then we hear the success stories of kids being adopted and having a life that is rich and full and likely a path they could have never traveled had they not been adopted. This leads me to wonder which path Will's feet shall travel in the years ahead.
At the age of 14, this amazing young man with a beautiful smile and caring heart has encountered much. I just wonder if he truly knows what a difference he has made in my life and the many others lives he has encountered since coming into our family. I am not sure he is really the lost boy, but rather it is I who is the lost boy! Lost without my son in my daily life! Lost knowing my son is hurting and growing and I can't be there to comfort him and cheer him on. I am the lost boy in this story.....I am lost not having all my kids under the same roof! I am lost not hearing his boisterous voice echo through the hallways of this home every day!
Yet, I KNOW THIS....Will is not lost!
I KNOW THIS.....For such a time as this, Will is where he needs to be! I am clear that Will could not have handled the divorce process if he were here.
I KNOW THIS.....Will is coming home and he will be stronger than before
I KNOW THIS....Will is a child of God and that means the plans for his life have been established forever and amen!
Please keep Will in your prayers as he continues his journey home!
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
The End of the End of This...
I find it quite surreal that I am just 2 days away from the legal beginning of the end of my marriage! In less than 48 hours I will be sitting in a court room determining the final outcome of this relationship that has covered the past nine and a half years of my life. It is with bitter sweet emotion that I look back and see the flashes of my marriage....the joys, sorrows, failures, wins, smiles, tears, illness and wellness and the creation of a family that was and is still designed by God.
You may ask how is it still designed by God if it the relationship is over. The marriage is over, but the relationship is not over! We share five beautiful amazing children and as a result we will be in relationship until the day we die as a result of the Fab 5! Clearly we are in a difficult time in our relationship and it may never be what it was in the beginning due to all the happenings of our life together, yet I am confident in this, "that He who began a good work, will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus!" The marriage itself maybe gone and destroyed but who we are as parents is still there and will always be there and that is the tie that will bind us together.
It can honestly be said that we have worked diligently to do what we could to spare our kids heartache and pain over the past 11 months and as hard as we tried it just wasn't possible to shield our children from the pain of our divorce. There is no way! It took me several months to accept the fact that these children are affected and saddened by what is happening to our family. I have seen the evidence in tears, temper tantrums, probing questions of why, bad school grades, visits to therapists, change in behaviors and in many other ways. We have done everything right in terms of keeping the kids out of the disagreements, not using them against each other, communicating daily about the needs of each child, assuring that transitions were handled smoothly and peacefully. Yet it was still not enough to keep any of them from feeling the effects! That fact alone makes me grieve!
While my heart is truly saddened by the end of my marriage and the hurt that has been caused, I am most affected by the fact my children are dealing with such a situation in their young lives. I prided myself for many years by stating to myself, my wife, the kids and the world, that I would never get divorced and yet here I sit at the beginning of the end of the end! I am eating crow and truly disappointed in myself for not being able to be a man of my word on this matter! I wanted more for my children. Will they survive? Yes they will survive but there will be scars that they will carry with them for a lifetime. What will each of them carry with them in regards to relationships with others, their feelings about marriage and divorce, their feelings about promises and broken promises and most importantly their feelings about God Himself! I am not beating myself up about this, but being realistic to the cause and effect relationship of the divorce as a whole! I have forgiven myself for my part of the situation and am working to move forward with the assurance of His Amazing Grace.
As a result of the separation and legal process involved in my divorce I can honestly say I do not know how it will all turn out when the judge is done! I know what I would like to see happen, but truly do not know the final outcome of custody, finances and other factors that are now being left up to His Honor to determine. I find myself wanting to fill up a box of files and documents that prove my points of view that can be submitted as evidence in dramatic television fashion at the last minute to ensure I win. I see myself sitting by my attorney and furiously passing him notes as the witnesses for the plaintiff testify to tell him they are not being completely forthright. I think of myself sitting in the witness box myself giving testimony and looking out and looking into her eyes and seeing the pain and sorrow she is feeling as well! Then I realize this is not about winning! No one wins in divorce! Not about the money, property, belongings or retirement funds or whatever.....it is about getting to the other side with as much dignity and honor in tact as possible. To ensure that the human lives (mostly my children) caught up in this situation are protected and cared for in the best possible way.
Many folks would be very morose and depressed about the situation at this stage of the game and honestly it has been tempting. Yet when it all comes down to it I have assurance that when it is all said and done I will be ok and the kids will be ok and we have a hope and a promise for a future that is full of more smiles, memories, illness, tears, and joy! I see the future as hopeful in many ways and in time I will share more about that, but for now I honor the season in which I am in as I await for the End of the End!
Peace is my goal for the next few days. To be a man of peace and calm and serenity. To remind myself daily or even minute by minute if needed that I am not control at this time! It is completely up to the judge and God Himself how this all works out. So what I KNOW at this time and place as I ponder the end of the end is that I am choosing PEACE!
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you;
not as the world gives do I give to you.
Let your heart not be troubled
and let it not be afraid."
John 14:27
You may ask how is it still designed by God if it the relationship is over. The marriage is over, but the relationship is not over! We share five beautiful amazing children and as a result we will be in relationship until the day we die as a result of the Fab 5! Clearly we are in a difficult time in our relationship and it may never be what it was in the beginning due to all the happenings of our life together, yet I am confident in this, "that He who began a good work, will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus!" The marriage itself maybe gone and destroyed but who we are as parents is still there and will always be there and that is the tie that will bind us together.
It can honestly be said that we have worked diligently to do what we could to spare our kids heartache and pain over the past 11 months and as hard as we tried it just wasn't possible to shield our children from the pain of our divorce. There is no way! It took me several months to accept the fact that these children are affected and saddened by what is happening to our family. I have seen the evidence in tears, temper tantrums, probing questions of why, bad school grades, visits to therapists, change in behaviors and in many other ways. We have done everything right in terms of keeping the kids out of the disagreements, not using them against each other, communicating daily about the needs of each child, assuring that transitions were handled smoothly and peacefully. Yet it was still not enough to keep any of them from feeling the effects! That fact alone makes me grieve!
While my heart is truly saddened by the end of my marriage and the hurt that has been caused, I am most affected by the fact my children are dealing with such a situation in their young lives. I prided myself for many years by stating to myself, my wife, the kids and the world, that I would never get divorced and yet here I sit at the beginning of the end of the end! I am eating crow and truly disappointed in myself for not being able to be a man of my word on this matter! I wanted more for my children. Will they survive? Yes they will survive but there will be scars that they will carry with them for a lifetime. What will each of them carry with them in regards to relationships with others, their feelings about marriage and divorce, their feelings about promises and broken promises and most importantly their feelings about God Himself! I am not beating myself up about this, but being realistic to the cause and effect relationship of the divorce as a whole! I have forgiven myself for my part of the situation and am working to move forward with the assurance of His Amazing Grace.
As a result of the separation and legal process involved in my divorce I can honestly say I do not know how it will all turn out when the judge is done! I know what I would like to see happen, but truly do not know the final outcome of custody, finances and other factors that are now being left up to His Honor to determine. I find myself wanting to fill up a box of files and documents that prove my points of view that can be submitted as evidence in dramatic television fashion at the last minute to ensure I win. I see myself sitting by my attorney and furiously passing him notes as the witnesses for the plaintiff testify to tell him they are not being completely forthright. I think of myself sitting in the witness box myself giving testimony and looking out and looking into her eyes and seeing the pain and sorrow she is feeling as well! Then I realize this is not about winning! No one wins in divorce! Not about the money, property, belongings or retirement funds or whatever.....it is about getting to the other side with as much dignity and honor in tact as possible. To ensure that the human lives (mostly my children) caught up in this situation are protected and cared for in the best possible way.
Many folks would be very morose and depressed about the situation at this stage of the game and honestly it has been tempting. Yet when it all comes down to it I have assurance that when it is all said and done I will be ok and the kids will be ok and we have a hope and a promise for a future that is full of more smiles, memories, illness, tears, and joy! I see the future as hopeful in many ways and in time I will share more about that, but for now I honor the season in which I am in as I await for the End of the End!
Peace is my goal for the next few days. To be a man of peace and calm and serenity. To remind myself daily or even minute by minute if needed that I am not control at this time! It is completely up to the judge and God Himself how this all works out. So what I KNOW at this time and place as I ponder the end of the end is that I am choosing PEACE!
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you;
not as the world gives do I give to you.
Let your heart not be troubled
and let it not be afraid."
John 14:27
Friday, October 9, 2015
Spinning and Swinging
This afternoon I had the privilege to take my youngest two kids, Lexi and AJ, to the park to play. It was a cool blustery fall day and I sat there watching them run from swing to slide to spinner and back again. The energy they have is overwhelming and if I could bottle and sell that boundless energy I would be the wealthiest man in the world. You know the energy I am talking about! The kind that allows you to run unhindered and unabashed as you celebrate the honor of life! My heart was warmed as my skin chilled in the cool air watching them play effortlessly without a care in the world (except for when AJ decided to try and stop his sister from spinning with a foot to the head).
They truly were spinning wildly when I captured these images. You can see the smile on Lexi's face here as she experienced the unescapable sense of spinning. What is it about spinning that makes kids go wild and crazy? What is it about that dizzy feeling that causes them to giggle as they struggle to maintain balance when the ride is over? I know some of you could probably toss your cookies just by reading this account and other's of you thrive on the thrill of a good spin. I bravely took a spin on the contraption and quickly realized I was no longer a good candidate for spinning! In less than 30 seconds I had been hurled off stumbling into the grass giggling and laughing myself. My kids watching me and laughing as me as I tried to figure out which way was up!
As I sat back down on the bench it occurred to me that the joy I was experiencing was that of complete abandon! It was clear that in the presence of such abandon that the only thing that fit in that space within me was JOY! What an interesting revelation! In that 60 second span of time I let it ALL go. No worries! No bills! No fears! No what ifs! It was all completely gone from my being and I just allowed myself to enjoy the moment. Literally just a moment! Is it possible that we can enjoy that sense of abandon for more than just a moment at a time? If so, how do we do that? I honestly don't have a definitive answer, but I KNOW! God is a God of the impossible. His ways are not our ways and each day we are given about 67 choices per second, which we process and determine to waste our time and energy on or let it go! Don't get me wrong I am not advocating that we all go around and ignore our daily activities and responsibilities to the point of abandoning those things. Yet, why not allow those things to NOT fill our beings! No more littering of ourselves as a result of life, but rather letting the residual stuff go. I KNOW! Each day is a gift and we have to determine how to best use that gift!
As I apparently left the planet for a few moments as I pondered the abandon issue, I looked up and saw my two amazing kiddos flying through the air by means of the swing! Who doesn't love a good swing! Jump into the seat, grab the chains and start pumping your legs and feel the wind of the moment overtake you! Back and forth and higher and higher and faster and faster! Who doesn't remember that sensation from their childhood? If you don't remember please get to a swing set ASAP!
Hearing the cries of glee as they soared into the sky a little higher with each pump my heart was overwhelmed that I could experience this moment with AJ and Lexi. I KNOW! That some day (all too soon) they will be too big to swing on a swing with me! Which brings me back to the notion of "abandon". As parents are we too absorbed with the protecting of our kids and doing all we can to ensure their health and well-being that we forget to let them have fun. I admit I had a moment when AJ was swinging so high he was nearly even with the top of the swing set and wanted to call out for him to slow it down a bit! But I didn't do that this time. He is clearly at a point in his childhood that living in abandon is mandatory and I chose not to stifle the moment.
Just thinking about having moments of abandon (i.e. pure joy) in life I realized that "somewhere in my youth and childhood" (think Leisl and Kurt) that I lost the ability to access that sense of abandon! Now I am choosing to encourage my children to find their moments of abandon and live in those moments as long as they can. Do you have a crazy Uncle Ed who is just a big kid, always up for a gag, pull my finger, and etc. How many times do we think Uncle Ed needs to get a new schstick and get a grip and grow up. My Uncle Ed used to slide his false teeth out of his mouth just enough to get all my cousins and I screaming and laughing at him. I can stil recall his own laughter as he played with us. He did this for years, but he doesn't do it anymore as I think the superglue he uses finally took hold! (Love Ya Uncle Ed). Yet I can't help but wonder if I don't have simultaneous moments of jealousy of Uncle Ed's abandon to celebrate life and just be a big kid. Instead we have been trained by our culture that such thinking and behavior is not acceptable nor warranted for an adult with responsibilities. Life is short people! Do we have time to not live with abandon! Do you really want to get to your death bed and think about regrets, or rather focus on the celebratory moments you had during your life.
So this is what I KNOW! I am going to start looking for moments of abandon in my life. I am going to start being more intentional in how I see the world around me and let those moments overtake me and hopefully last for more than just a moment. If you see me running through the fields wrecklessly going no where specific. If you see me jump on the swing and see how high I can go. If you see me spinning and then staggering to maintain my balance. If you see me doing anything akin to slightly weird just chalk it up to building up my abandon stamina! And on top of all that I am going to challenge myself to live a life of total abandon to my God. Working to diligently let it go, give it up and pick my battles carefully. Who is with me???????
As I sat back down on the bench it occurred to me that the joy I was experiencing was that of complete abandon! It was clear that in the presence of such abandon that the only thing that fit in that space within me was JOY! What an interesting revelation! In that 60 second span of time I let it ALL go. No worries! No bills! No fears! No what ifs! It was all completely gone from my being and I just allowed myself to enjoy the moment. Literally just a moment! Is it possible that we can enjoy that sense of abandon for more than just a moment at a time? If so, how do we do that? I honestly don't have a definitive answer, but I KNOW! God is a God of the impossible. His ways are not our ways and each day we are given about 67 choices per second, which we process and determine to waste our time and energy on or let it go! Don't get me wrong I am not advocating that we all go around and ignore our daily activities and responsibilities to the point of abandoning those things. Yet, why not allow those things to NOT fill our beings! No more littering of ourselves as a result of life, but rather letting the residual stuff go. I KNOW! Each day is a gift and we have to determine how to best use that gift!
As I apparently left the planet for a few moments as I pondered the abandon issue, I looked up and saw my two amazing kiddos flying through the air by means of the swing! Who doesn't love a good swing! Jump into the seat, grab the chains and start pumping your legs and feel the wind of the moment overtake you! Back and forth and higher and higher and faster and faster! Who doesn't remember that sensation from their childhood? If you don't remember please get to a swing set ASAP!
Hearing the cries of glee as they soared into the sky a little higher with each pump my heart was overwhelmed that I could experience this moment with AJ and Lexi. I KNOW! That some day (all too soon) they will be too big to swing on a swing with me! Which brings me back to the notion of "abandon". As parents are we too absorbed with the protecting of our kids and doing all we can to ensure their health and well-being that we forget to let them have fun. I admit I had a moment when AJ was swinging so high he was nearly even with the top of the swing set and wanted to call out for him to slow it down a bit! But I didn't do that this time. He is clearly at a point in his childhood that living in abandon is mandatory and I chose not to stifle the moment.
Just thinking about having moments of abandon (i.e. pure joy) in life I realized that "somewhere in my youth and childhood" (think Leisl and Kurt) that I lost the ability to access that sense of abandon! Now I am choosing to encourage my children to find their moments of abandon and live in those moments as long as they can. Do you have a crazy Uncle Ed who is just a big kid, always up for a gag, pull my finger, and etc. How many times do we think Uncle Ed needs to get a new schstick and get a grip and grow up. My Uncle Ed used to slide his false teeth out of his mouth just enough to get all my cousins and I screaming and laughing at him. I can stil recall his own laughter as he played with us. He did this for years, but he doesn't do it anymore as I think the superglue he uses finally took hold! (Love Ya Uncle Ed). Yet I can't help but wonder if I don't have simultaneous moments of jealousy of Uncle Ed's abandon to celebrate life and just be a big kid. Instead we have been trained by our culture that such thinking and behavior is not acceptable nor warranted for an adult with responsibilities. Life is short people! Do we have time to not live with abandon! Do you really want to get to your death bed and think about regrets, or rather focus on the celebratory moments you had during your life.
So this is what I KNOW! I am going to start looking for moments of abandon in my life. I am going to start being more intentional in how I see the world around me and let those moments overtake me and hopefully last for more than just a moment. If you see me running through the fields wrecklessly going no where specific. If you see me jump on the swing and see how high I can go. If you see me spinning and then staggering to maintain my balance. If you see me doing anything akin to slightly weird just chalk it up to building up my abandon stamina! And on top of all that I am going to challenge myself to live a life of total abandon to my God. Working to diligently let it go, give it up and pick my battles carefully. Who is with me???????
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Signs of a messy kitchen....
Looking around me this morning, I see piles of bills, junk mail, my ever present Sonic cup, my Bible and devotionals and a journal. I can glance to my right to view my kitchen which is far from perfect, but serves its purpose. I see a bag of half eaten cheese puffs that my kids raided on the way to the bus this morning (hey that's just how we roll and we are out of pop tarts). Nearby, the large can of powdered Gatorade is sitting idly on the counter where my oldest left it as he rushed out the door to once again be tardy for his first class with his best friend and driver. One little boy shoe is for some reason jammed under the edge of the lower cabinet and it leaves me wondering, WHY? In case you are wondering, he did indeed have two shoes on when I dropped him off at day care this morning. Right now, the ever growing child has two pair of shoes that actually fit.
I am sure some of you are like, "Dude clean up the kitchen!" or "You need to teach your kids to be more responsible." And while there is truth to both of those statements I see it differently. As I completely assess the environment before me I can only smile as it warms my heart to see the signs of vitality in this house.
There was a day (early parenting days and even some not so early parenting days) when I would have spent my morning chastising my dear children for leaving bags of cheese puffs unopened; none the less, actually allow them to eat them. Or yell at my oldest as he ran out the door about the necessity to be on time for school for a change. And the three year old and his shoes, he is not too young to learn to put things where they go! My way of being was very ordered and required attention to detail at all times and was frequently stressful for my kids and I both.
Yet now my morning included a few moments of meaningful chat with my 11 year old, Lyric, who is by far the messiest child in the house. Being her pre-pubescent female self, I usually get grunts and moans when conversation is attempted in the morning. Did I mention she got on the bus and then made the bus driver stop and wait for her as she ran back into the house to get her binder. I remember the football like play in passing the said binder to her (and no I don't do football). I can still hear her laugh as she caught the binder in her arms (yet another miracle) and ran back out the door.
I was able to have some special cuddle time with my little man, AJ, as his eyes opened this morning and smiles at me and raises his arms to me. This moment instantly fills my love tank to overflowing as he crawls into my lap and takes a few moments to rest in my embrace, the moment is short as his tornado like personality is quickly engaged and then pressed into overdrive.
Let me not forget my spirit led 7 year old, Lexi, who needed me to stop a moment and listen to her latest song she wrote for Jesus. While tune and harmony may not be high on her priorities when singing, it is the most beautiful sound in that it emanates from the center of her heart on it's way to the throne room of God. At one point her eyes closed as she lifted her voice and I was transfixed by the pure innocence she embodied at that moment. Her perfect sense of belief and faith in God!
Funny thing is I never had a visual on 16 year old, Courtney, this morning. But rather only heard evidence of his heart beat as the pipes squealed when he showered and later cranked the music from behind his bedroom door. Being the most elusive of the Ballard Bunch he often moves stealth like thru the house at all hours of the day and night. Then there was the Gatorade evidence left on the counter that is always the last thing he does as he walks out the door each morning. That child and I have a way of communicating that is truly unique and while we didn't speak directly to each other this morning I sent him a text saying, "I love you and have a great day!" Then in response, "Love you too dad!" My heart is full!
Upon returning home from the daycare I could have jumped into clean it up and make it neat mode, but I had the privilege of spending about fifteen minutes of my morning talking on the phone with my mom. What a wonderful mom she is to me and Gram to my kids. I will be sharing more about her in future posts, but suffice it to say she is a strong confident woman of faith and I am blessed to call her mom. I love you mom!
Off and on throughout the morning I have been able to encourage a dear friend who needed someone to hear him and pray for him. What a blessing it is to give to those I care about. I KNOW this friend is destined to have a life full of adventure as he steps deeper and wider into whom he was created to be.
I KNOW this! Rather than see the remnants of a typical active busy morning, I see indication of love and blessings. I see the signs of a life well lived that focuses on what is important. I don't share this in an effort to toot my own horn, but to encourage you to not sweat the small stuff. Care less about the things that don't matter in the light of eternity and spend your time and energy on relationship, sharing love, being there for those you love and maybe even asking for those in your life to give to you when needed. Sure a clean, neat, organized home is something I still dream about, but honestly who cares! Would I trade that spotless house for what I had this morning? Nope, no way....NOT HAPPENING! This, I KNOW!
I am sure some of you are like, "Dude clean up the kitchen!" or "You need to teach your kids to be more responsible." And while there is truth to both of those statements I see it differently. As I completely assess the environment before me I can only smile as it warms my heart to see the signs of vitality in this house.
There was a day (early parenting days and even some not so early parenting days) when I would have spent my morning chastising my dear children for leaving bags of cheese puffs unopened; none the less, actually allow them to eat them. Or yell at my oldest as he ran out the door about the necessity to be on time for school for a change. And the three year old and his shoes, he is not too young to learn to put things where they go! My way of being was very ordered and required attention to detail at all times and was frequently stressful for my kids and I both.
Yet now my morning included a few moments of meaningful chat with my 11 year old, Lyric, who is by far the messiest child in the house. Being her pre-pubescent female self, I usually get grunts and moans when conversation is attempted in the morning. Did I mention she got on the bus and then made the bus driver stop and wait for her as she ran back into the house to get her binder. I remember the football like play in passing the said binder to her (and no I don't do football). I can still hear her laugh as she caught the binder in her arms (yet another miracle) and ran back out the door.
I was able to have some special cuddle time with my little man, AJ, as his eyes opened this morning and smiles at me and raises his arms to me. This moment instantly fills my love tank to overflowing as he crawls into my lap and takes a few moments to rest in my embrace, the moment is short as his tornado like personality is quickly engaged and then pressed into overdrive.
Let me not forget my spirit led 7 year old, Lexi, who needed me to stop a moment and listen to her latest song she wrote for Jesus. While tune and harmony may not be high on her priorities when singing, it is the most beautiful sound in that it emanates from the center of her heart on it's way to the throne room of God. At one point her eyes closed as she lifted her voice and I was transfixed by the pure innocence she embodied at that moment. Her perfect sense of belief and faith in God!
Funny thing is I never had a visual on 16 year old, Courtney, this morning. But rather only heard evidence of his heart beat as the pipes squealed when he showered and later cranked the music from behind his bedroom door. Being the most elusive of the Ballard Bunch he often moves stealth like thru the house at all hours of the day and night. Then there was the Gatorade evidence left on the counter that is always the last thing he does as he walks out the door each morning. That child and I have a way of communicating that is truly unique and while we didn't speak directly to each other this morning I sent him a text saying, "I love you and have a great day!" Then in response, "Love you too dad!" My heart is full!
Upon returning home from the daycare I could have jumped into clean it up and make it neat mode, but I had the privilege of spending about fifteen minutes of my morning talking on the phone with my mom. What a wonderful mom she is to me and Gram to my kids. I will be sharing more about her in future posts, but suffice it to say she is a strong confident woman of faith and I am blessed to call her mom. I love you mom!
Off and on throughout the morning I have been able to encourage a dear friend who needed someone to hear him and pray for him. What a blessing it is to give to those I care about. I KNOW this friend is destined to have a life full of adventure as he steps deeper and wider into whom he was created to be.
I KNOW this! Rather than see the remnants of a typical active busy morning, I see indication of love and blessings. I see the signs of a life well lived that focuses on what is important. I don't share this in an effort to toot my own horn, but to encourage you to not sweat the small stuff. Care less about the things that don't matter in the light of eternity and spend your time and energy on relationship, sharing love, being there for those you love and maybe even asking for those in your life to give to you when needed. Sure a clean, neat, organized home is something I still dream about, but honestly who cares! Would I trade that spotless house for what I had this morning? Nope, no way....NOT HAPPENING! This, I KNOW!
Monday, October 5, 2015
Let Him Who Began A Good Work...
Be faithful to complete it!
The words of Philippians 1:6 have been resonating in my heart and mind over the past few days. And here is why.
It is no secret my life has been far from ideal for the past year or more. It is also no secret that I am nearing the end of the legal phase of my divorce and will soon be moving into the next chapter. Let me provide a caveat here, I didn't want this divorce nor am I saying it is the answer to marriage problems, yet right here and right now I have no other option but to accept the situation and allow God to continue to do what He needs to do in this situation. Yet in the midst of this process I have been blessed in many ways, which I will share more in detail in future posts!
No longer do I hold even the slightest notion that I am perfect (yes I heard the collective "Amen" from the audience near and far) nor do I any long purport to be perfect. Did I try at times in my life to cast that projection to those around me. Oh yea I did that, it was evident in the way carried myself (like a snob) and how I dressed (arrogantly) and how I spoke to others (with disdain) and with a judgmental mind set that that became an effective defense mechanism against my own persecutors. I did everything I could to ensure my image and status in the world was spotless and that included going into debt, using people to get further along in life and twisting the truth to fit my wants! Note I did not say needs, as my needs were always more than met!
I have long since moved beyond that way of being and moved into a much simpler state of mind and being. Partially due to personal choice and partially due to circumstances of life. As I sit and muse on the past and consider the future I have noticed that I am still in the oven This turkey still needs to cook some more, because this bird still ain't done! He is still working in me. The great chef has more basting to do and more seasoning to add to get this bird to the just right taste for His palate. (No God is not going to eat me...it is a metaphor people!)
The different people that God has allowed me to cross path with this most recent leg of the journey have not been accidental meetings, but rather intentional encounters meant to teach me and show me more about who HE is and whom HE has created ME to BE! It has been quite a while since I have been at such a place in my life where I have found such clarity and understanding of who I am. It is clearly an ongoing process as He continues to allow me to cook. He continues to reinforce his messages of truth in my life and for that I am grateful.
It was during this time that loneliness reached new levels of despair and there were days I truly felt more alone than I have ever felt before. The worst being the night I laid in the emergency room alone and scared as to what was happening now in this mortal body of mine. Profound does not even begin to touch the sense of loss I felt that night. Yet that night served as a spring board for me in ways and showed me it was time to take risks, think differently about the future, and truly fix my gaze on the truth!
Let me welcome you as I return to my blogging ways and introduce to you the newest emanation of my story and journey thru life. I am excited and eager to see what each day brings Some days my entries may bore you as I go off on a soapbox about the price of cheese of the moon. Some days I may annoy you with yet another photo or photos of one or more or all of my children who are truly God's greatest blessing in my life. Some days I may challenge you and your belief about a certain topic as I learn my own lessons in life. Some days may be a simple request for prayer as I face a hard day of being alone or dealing with issues of my human body. Yet most of all I hope that somewhere some how you will find some encouragement, understanding, and even some AHA moments. I don't desire to write to hear my own self rattle on, but rather I view it as a way of sharing LIFE with you!
Please note I love feedback and comments and dialog so don't be afraid to do just that!
One final note! I am working with a new tag line of sorts......and it is simply this, "I KNOW!" So I will be ending my entries with this tag line from now on. It means something very special to me and serves as a reminder that, "I KNOW!" With that being said, "Let Him Who Began A Good Work (IN ME) Be Faithful to Complete It."
The words of Philippians 1:6 have been resonating in my heart and mind over the past few days. And here is why.
It is no secret my life has been far from ideal for the past year or more. It is also no secret that I am nearing the end of the legal phase of my divorce and will soon be moving into the next chapter. Let me provide a caveat here, I didn't want this divorce nor am I saying it is the answer to marriage problems, yet right here and right now I have no other option but to accept the situation and allow God to continue to do what He needs to do in this situation. Yet in the midst of this process I have been blessed in many ways, which I will share more in detail in future posts!
No longer do I hold even the slightest notion that I am perfect (yes I heard the collective "Amen" from the audience near and far) nor do I any long purport to be perfect. Did I try at times in my life to cast that projection to those around me. Oh yea I did that, it was evident in the way carried myself (like a snob) and how I dressed (arrogantly) and how I spoke to others (with disdain) and with a judgmental mind set that that became an effective defense mechanism against my own persecutors. I did everything I could to ensure my image and status in the world was spotless and that included going into debt, using people to get further along in life and twisting the truth to fit my wants! Note I did not say needs, as my needs were always more than met!
I have long since moved beyond that way of being and moved into a much simpler state of mind and being. Partially due to personal choice and partially due to circumstances of life. As I sit and muse on the past and consider the future I have noticed that I am still in the oven This turkey still needs to cook some more, because this bird still ain't done! He is still working in me. The great chef has more basting to do and more seasoning to add to get this bird to the just right taste for His palate. (No God is not going to eat me...it is a metaphor people!)
The different people that God has allowed me to cross path with this most recent leg of the journey have not been accidental meetings, but rather intentional encounters meant to teach me and show me more about who HE is and whom HE has created ME to BE! It has been quite a while since I have been at such a place in my life where I have found such clarity and understanding of who I am. It is clearly an ongoing process as He continues to allow me to cook. He continues to reinforce his messages of truth in my life and for that I am grateful.
It was during this time that loneliness reached new levels of despair and there were days I truly felt more alone than I have ever felt before. The worst being the night I laid in the emergency room alone and scared as to what was happening now in this mortal body of mine. Profound does not even begin to touch the sense of loss I felt that night. Yet that night served as a spring board for me in ways and showed me it was time to take risks, think differently about the future, and truly fix my gaze on the truth!
Let me welcome you as I return to my blogging ways and introduce to you the newest emanation of my story and journey thru life. I am excited and eager to see what each day brings Some days my entries may bore you as I go off on a soapbox about the price of cheese of the moon. Some days I may annoy you with yet another photo or photos of one or more or all of my children who are truly God's greatest blessing in my life. Some days I may challenge you and your belief about a certain topic as I learn my own lessons in life. Some days may be a simple request for prayer as I face a hard day of being alone or dealing with issues of my human body. Yet most of all I hope that somewhere some how you will find some encouragement, understanding, and even some AHA moments. I don't desire to write to hear my own self rattle on, but rather I view it as a way of sharing LIFE with you!
Please note I love feedback and comments and dialog so don't be afraid to do just that!
One final note! I am working with a new tag line of sorts......and it is simply this, "I KNOW!" So I will be ending my entries with this tag line from now on. It means something very special to me and serves as a reminder that, "I KNOW!" With that being said, "Let Him Who Began A Good Work (IN ME) Be Faithful to Complete It."
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