One month later....

One month later…(theme song plays in the background – now if I just had one!)

It has been four weeks since the judgment came down that has changed my life drastically. It was on that day I learned that I no longer had custody of my five children. Now I have tried hard not to be a Debbie Downer since then overwhelm you with woe is me tales of my life since that day. I think I have been fairly successful in doing that and hopefully this post won’t be a downer either. But just a gentle reminder for my family and friends to keep praying for the kids, me and even Julie.

The first few days weren’t too bad as there were reminders of the kids everywhere I looked and it was easy for me to deny the fact they were not coming back anytime soon. Yet within 10 days, Julie finally was able to move into her new home and get all of her belongings and furnishings out of the house we once shared. I wanted the transition to be easy for my kids I gave many things I would have actually kept for the kids to Julie to take to her new house for the kids use.  Beds, bedding, minor furnishings, wall decor, toys and etc. While it would have been easy for me to be greedy and vindictive and not give her anything that wasn’t included in the divorce settlement, I could not do it as I truly felt such opportunities to give to my kids would only benefit them in the transition and for the long term. I did ask Julie to pay for some of the items and she did willingly. She even allowed me to help each of them get things settled in their new rooms in her home. 

After all of her belongings were gone I spent a very long week cleaning and rearranging and setting up the house to be put on the market. I could not believe how dirty this house had gotten. I could not believe how much dirt and grossness my kids could create. I won’t gag you with the gory details, but just know that there were gloves and very long barbeque tongs involved a couple of times that week. Ewww…bad scenes from a movie became my reality. LOL

Once the house was set and staged and then placed on the market was when reality set in and it was ugly. There was a day or two where I became near paralyzed with grief. Yes grief finally hit me as I sat in my redefined large home that was near spotless (though I still find dirt spots from time to time I missed). There were days it took every ounce of strength and courage to get out of bed and do something productive. I am thankful for family and friends who checked on me frequently and encouraged me on those bad days. While I am generally feeling better I still have moments that hang heavy on me as I think about my kiddos and what they may be doing at that moment.

After a misunderstanding this past weekend I had to actually explain to Julie how this change has affected me. I could believe I had to explain it to her. In my own words I told her that I have gone from managing nearly every detail of the lives of our children (even during our 19 month separation) to having little or no contact with them and in some cases don’t know what they are doing at any given moment. I continue to feel that little pieces of my children are vanishing everyday from my life. I literally spent most hours of my days taking care of my kids and their needs to now being blessed to see them once a week as Julie allows. I will say for the most part Julie has allowed me to see them, but I have to tell ya it is very humbling to have to ask someone if you can see your own children. Think about it? What would it be like for you if couldn’t just get up and see your kids whenever you wanted, but you had to ask? How would that make you feel?

It does not make me feel very good. It makes me feel like some kind of criminal. Makes me lfeel ike some kind of less than. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. Yet until 4 weeks ago I was good enough and then boom overnight  - YOU SUCK – do not pass go unless you ask permission first. If that doesn’t make you go WOW then I don’t know what will. So I buck up and I ask! I don’t always get an immediate answer and sometimes I have to wait and most times I get a, “yes you may see your children.” It is like sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear your name called, "Mr. Ballard the doctor will see you now!"  Ahhh the deep sigh of relief as you prepare yourself and put on your happy face to go see your kids and be with them and pretend all is well. It is not their battle, it is mine! 

Some of you are wondering how the kids are doing. Overall they have been so entrenched in settling into a new house, getting back into school for the year, and making adjustments to life that I don’t think it has truly occurred to them that they are not seeing me as much. And that’s ok. When I do get to spend time with them I try to spend a little one on one time with each of them. Which isn’t always easy as they are all vying for my attention when we are together. I have had one weekend with them, as my parents are allowed to supervise visits. So my folks were here and the kids were here and it was a good weekend Lots of playing and hugs and kisses and snuggles and etc. When I see them they are happy to see me and engage me accordingly. Julie has been great in keeping me in the loop of educational, medical and other appts and issues as they have arisen. In some ways she has been supportive.

On the legal front, I have started the appeal process. We have filed the notice of intent to appeal with the Missouri Western Appellate division or whatever they are called. Now my lawyer has a certain period of time to write his appeal brief that will outline how we feel the judge’s ruling was unjust given the testimony and evidence presented in the divorce hearing to justify our request to overturn the ruling. We cannot enter new evidence or materials or witnesses. This appeal is solely based on the ruling the judge made and how it does not fit with the evidence presented. Once the brief is sent to the Appeal Court there is a panel of 3 judges that will review the brief and then make their determination. The determination will be sent back to the original judge with hopefully direction on how to correct the ruling based on what they see from the evidence provided. Then the original judge has to rewrite his ruling in accordance with the guidelines provided by the appellate panel. There is also a chance that the appellate panel will just tell the original judge that they disagree with his ruling and he has to change it and not give him any guidelines in which to follow as he rewrites the ruling. And there is a chance the appellate court will concur with the judgment and nothing will change. I am hoping the new 50/50 law will give some additional credence to my appeal. If you are not familiar with the new 50/50 law that just went into effect here in Missouri then Google it and read about it. Mainly it forces judges in divorce/custody matters to vacate the previous mindset of automatically giving wives and mothers preferential treatment right to win in such cases and look more at how custody can be more equitable for both parents.

Financially I am gonna be honest I am completely tapped out. I have not been this broke in over a decade and it is freaking me out a bit. I have been selling things like crazy. Every day I try and ensure I sell something online and even if it $5 it has been a good day. I have food and the basics of life right now. I have a roof over my head and the mortgage company has been somewhat supportive and aren’t pulling the repo plug just yet. The house is on the market and the traffic of people looking at the place has been very steady so I am pleased about that. I need this place to sell soon. I am looking into filing bankruptcy as the judge also placed 80% of the marital debt on my plate. It is all crazy. So my new motto is that if it is not nailed down it is for sale! Except for my dogs.

While I have been able to come up with quite a bit of cash to pay the attorney fees I am still behind. I am working on a payment plan that works for all parties involved but I still have so far to go. If the house sells I will be able to pay my attorney with the proceeds of the house, but I worry that won’t still be enough. God knows and day by day, I count the cash in my wallet and coins in my jar and check my bank account online. I have not had the credit card people calling me yet, but I am afraid that is about to start any day now.

Days can be long at times as I miss my kids, try not to stress about finances, keep then house neat and clean, wonder where I will be living in a couple of months, wondering when I will see the kids again and keeping myself healthy. Ok I said this wasn’t going to be Debbie Downer posts…so let me bring this back around. So here is what I KNOW right here and right now.

1)      I still see my kids at least once a week.

2)      Julie keeps me mostly informed about what’s going on with them.

3)      My oldest has been over at least once a day for the past 3 days to say hi!

4)      I have a roof over my head!

5)      The utility bills are all paid.

6)      I have food in my cupboards.

7)      I have my dogs and dog food for them.

8)      I am selling a little bit every day.

9)      I have amazing neighbors who are there for me.

10)   I have a couple of great friends who check on me each day.

11)   I have my mom and dad who are being so supportive.

12)   There has been a lot of traffic of people looking at the house.

13)   A plan is developing for my next step in housing. More on that later.

14)   I am loved by God and family and friends.

At this time, what more can I truly ask for? If you would please continue to pray for my kids and I that would be greatly appreciated. Also if you would like to help me out financially please see the link below to contribute.

So for one month later (cue the theme music) I am doing ok! Keeping my head about me. Not totally freaking out. Trusting God each day to supply what I need. So ya, I am doing ok! Now to find my6 theme song.....