Friday, July 22, 2016

And so it begins..

Something in the predawn hours roused me from my slumber as I rolled over and looked at the numbers glowing across the room. A reported time of 4:23 a.m. was not really the combination of digits I wanted to see. As my eyes cleared I noticed the light from the moon high above my window casting a myriad of rays throughout the room. Taking a deep breath I realized that there were five little fingers weaved through the hair on the back of my head. Fingers belonging to the one and only AJ. An adorable yet at time annoying trait that he started almost from birth. Through the years we have often joked, laughed, complained and shrieked as we dealt with those tiny fingers weaving themselves into our hair at all hours of the day and night. Smiling I glanced over to see AJ's near angelic face as he lay in the MIDDLE of my bed once again.



Don't get me started on the whole kids sleeping in the parents bed or not debate. We have been all over it through the years and on both sides of the fence and then rode the sleeping fence and now I just let him sleep with me given life has been so different in recent months.

Looking at his adorable features of his curly brown hair and long eyelashes I knew that I would truly miss the feeling of those little fingers tangled in my hair. It quickly hit me once again that the reality was this was the last time my four year old son would be sleeping in my house at night without supervision to ensure I don't endanger this precious child. The audacity of that thought just made frustrated beyond belief and it wasn't even dawn yet. Needless to say I was not going back to sleep anytime soon and left me gently stroking AJ's hair as he slept soundly making that little odd breathing noise he makes when he sleeps. My brain started to tumble and roll and go from one topic to another as I tried to make sense of all that has happened in recent days. One moment I would be near tears and other moments so mad I could spit. I knew that in a few short hours I would be dropping AJ off at daycare and when I kissed him good bye it would have more meaning then it ever had before.

As I was struggling to maintain my emotions a little person entered my room and lightly placed their hand on my arm, as she has been taught to do and brought me back to the reality of early hour. My blonde curly haired dreamer was standing there telling me she was hearing a beeping and could I please make it stop. I sat up and hugged her for a moment and told it was likely something from her 17 year old brother's room making that noise and it would stop soon. I kissed the top of her head and sent her back to her bed.



Since the separation, it has not been uncommon for Lexi to come wandering into my room with one concern or another at all hours of the night. Sometimes she has a belly ache while other times it is a noise she heard (Thanks Courtney) and other times she just needs some daddy loving. There is nothing I would not do for Lexi as she is always trying to make sense of the world around her. If something does not make sense she figure out a way to make it logical even if it means making it up. Some people call it lying, which it is, but really it is one smart scared little girls attempt to make sense of the world around her and the changes she is experiencing as a child of divorce.

These moments in time haunt me and yet scare me all at the same time. Will I ever have these moments again? Will my kids know I love them no matter how often I am allowed to see them? Will I find what I need in order to get them back? I keep rolling it all back to Father God and try really hard to be brave and trust He has it all under control. I love my kids, all 5 of them and facing a life with little contact with them is not ok.

Making phone call after phone call and sending emails and messages to all kinds of people and places and yet I get no answers or told, "We can't help you," or "Have you tried this agency or that place?" So many people say they want to help, but who will help my kids get their daddy back? I am doing everything I know to do and feeling frustrated and it is only day two of what will indeed be a long and exhaustive process to be truly a whole family again.

Please keep the kids and I in your prayers....
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More updates in the days ahead....

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