Helpless

 When you first come to the realization you are going to be a parent you have so many overwhelming emotions. Joy, exhilaration, fear, anxiety, love and so many more. The one thing I never thought I would feel as a parent would be the feeling of complete and total helplessness. Never have I felt so helpless as I have the past 48 hours since AJ entered the hospital. Very little information and very little contact and very little reassurance from anyone in the facility that my son is going to be ok. I have felt totally helpless. 

Yes of course we must trust the system, but you know what, every where I look I see evidence of broken systems. AJ would not be in the hospital if it were not for the fact he is a product of a broken system. His biological mother was part of a broken system which failed her which ultimately failed AJ. How am I supposed to trust any system at this point. All five of my kids are products of broken systems. To be honest we have all been a product of a broken system some time during our lives. And those broken systems have left us helpless in some way. 

It was not until Julie and I called repeatedly. Left multiple messages for multiple people and even then it took hours to get answers about the well-being of our child. During these hours we imagined all sorts of things that could be going on with our son. There was even a moment or two yesterday when I felt I was on the brink of an all out panic attack as I didn't know what he was experiencing and who was really caring for and what they were or were not doing for him. I am not a paranoid pictures but I have heard the stories and watched the stupid made for television movies about such places. When we signed the admissions paperwork we had to automatically trust those people in that hospital that they were going to do right by our son. We have never had any interaction with this facility in the past and could only go with our gut that we were making the right choice for him. 

We experienced moments of doubt and wondering aloud of, "What have we done to our son?" "Did we really do the right thing?" We even started thinking about breaking him out of THAT place tomorrow if we didn't get answers and reassurances from the hospital that we had made the right decision. He is our child! Our responsibility, that we take very seriously and will do whatever we have to ensure his well being is always first priority That goes for each of our children and I think they all know that by now. 

But feeling HELPLESS is not ok. It is unsettling and nerve wracking We have never given up control of our child to someone else like this before. We have never completely let go. This is worst than experiencing a child moving out and moving away. At least then we know where they are and can pick up a phone and contact them whenever we want. We have very strict limits as to when we can speak to our son, and that is if it is convenient for the hospital staff. We are blessed that our son love us and wants to speak to us and usually calls us two or three times a day. The phone calls are short and he always asks, "When can I come home." and "I miss you so much daddy." Yes I have tears in my eyes when he suddenly says, "Ok bye," and then he is gone. Helpless forces me to trust someone else and I guess this goes to prove I do not trust others, especially with the well-being of my son. I do not think that is necessarily a bad thing, just not a familiar place for me be in. 

So yes we got some answers today and have a sense of what to expect in the days ahead. I am still struggling with feeling I am not doing enough for my son. Like most parents I would move heaven and earth for my kids. In many ways I have done that in the past for all my kids in various ways, but it never seems to be enough does it? I do not think of myself as a helicopter parent as I am all about letting my kids make choices and experience success and failure. There is still a part of me that wants to pave the roads before my children so their journeys will be easier, so they won't have to experience this feeling of being helpless. 

Insidious

 The only word that describes my feelings today is "INSIDIOUS!" Today was another watershed moment for me as a father. My youngest child, who is only nine years old was admitted to a mental health facility. 

You have likely read the travails of our previous experiences with mental health with kids and adolescents through the story of my oldest daughter. Who thankfully seems to be fairly stable right now. Currently we are able to focus on future plans for her, which is so much easier than constantly treading water. Sadly this stage will likely change at some point, but we will enjoy these moments with her while we can. 

If anyone has ever met my youngest son, AJ, you undoubtedly met a smart, charming, cute and outgoing kid. For 90% of the time he is helpful and loving and caring. Always thinking about what is next and when he can hang out with one of his friends again. He does not like being alone and wants to always be engaged with another human at all times. He hates to read but excels at math, He has a perfectionistic streak and while he won't admit it, the opinions of others matter to him greatly. He idolizes his big brothers, Courtney and Will, and misses them both so much now that they are both out of the house. He adores his older sisters, Lyric & Alexis, but can't help but annoy the hell out of them on any given day or I should say everyday. He loves and cares about his grandparents and frequently tells them so and offers his services to them in anyway possible to make their lives easier, provided they have cookies or ding dongs for a reward. They think they have him trained, I am thinking he has them trained. AJ and his mother have a beautiful bond that rivals other moms and their little boys. She is the only one that can make a perfect grilled cheese and she is the best cuddler he knows. AJ loves me as his dad and he knows I mean business when the time comes, but he also knows I will not ever leave him alone, I will be there when he calls and that I am best the tickler and prankster around and can always make him laugh. 

 I hope he knows that he is the one that makes my heart smile and beam. Even when he is being his worst self (the mental illness) he can still make me smile. I often stand in the doorway of his room at night after he finally falls asleep and gaze upon his face and whisper prayers to God above for his well-being. If you knew the challenges we face with him on a daily basis, many would question how can we love this child You know what, my love for him comes easily and never once have I wavered in my love and affection toward him. 

He has had a rough few months, which equals we have all had a rough few months. Issues at school, issues with peers, food and sleep issues, med changes, and so much more all culminated in a significant event that occurred yesterday that shook us all to the core. It resulted in several hours in a psychiatric emergency room only to be denied access to services once the assessment was completed. Then resulted in several very challenging and physically exhausting hours at home with while trying to find other treatment options. Finally at 8 pm last night after many phone calls and discussions with various providers we were able to secure an admission to the hospital this morning at 9 am. 

As you know this is not the first time as a parent that I have driven the road to a mental health facility. AJ may be the youngest, but he is the third of our children to spend time in a psychiatric facility. So many times I prayed we would never have to walk this path with him yet here we are. It had been suggested before, but we could never bring ourselves to agree. This incident was different and scary and we knew that this was the only option. 

I admit I am afraid. Here is what I am afraid of, that AJ will come back to us a different kid. Maybe he will come back to us jaded or negatively impacted by his experiences. They expect he will be there 7 to 10 days and we are not allowed to visit him during that time, thanks to COVID! We can call him daily and check in with him. I am afraid that this time away will change his connection to us somehow maybe for the better or maybe for the worst? I have said many times he is way too connected/dependent on his mom and I, but is that all bad? He is only nine. Do we need our kids to grow up so fast? I think he needs to be more independent and we can hope this experience helps him in that arena. He is never been away from both of us for this long. He has always had one of us except for summer camp which was only 4 nights and he did great. 

My other fear is that starts a long road of facilities and programs in order to keep him safe. The same path that both his older brother and older sister took. I am afraid this first hospitalization will only be his first, but I long for it to be his only. I want good sound answers and solutions found during this time, but if there is one thing I have learned about Mental Health is that there are no easy questions and no easy answers. Is it wrong to want a smoother ride for my child, not one marked by mental illness. 

Further I fear, and I know it is irrational, but I fear that this is all my fault. Three of my five kids have mental illness, what is the common denominator here? Their mother and I and the way we raised them are a common denominator. How is it that so many of our kids are affected by this insidious disease? Granted all five of our children are adopted so they do not come by it through our genetic patterns, so it must have been something we did in how we raised them and treated them to make them this way. RIGHT???? I know, I know, but I would be lying if I did not succumb to these thought patterns at times. I know we have been good (not perfect) parents to our five amazing kiddos. I think the only genetics involved here are those they were given by their biological parents and there is a history of mental illness in their biological families.

 In AJ's case, we truly believe the defining factor was bio mom's use of drugs during the early months of her pregnancy. We have done so many tests and treatments and supplements and etc. that no other explanation makes sense other than prenatal exposure to drugs. NOT HIS FAULT - yet he is the one how has to live with the consequences of his bio mom's stupid choices. All those years ago I used to think my love and influence and NURTURE could overcome his NATURE. Well, my kids quickly taught me that is not always the case. We can't win over the inherent nature that our kids are born with and forced to live with all their lives. Oh how I wish we could win that battle, but it is not to be. Some things just cannot be changed or overcome and sadly MENTAL ILLNESS is included in that list. 

Mental Illness is insidious as it has no rhyme or reason or pattern and it is no respector of persons in whom it chooses to attack, including my 9 year old amazing son. I ask in the days ahead to keep him in your thoughts and prayers as well as the rest of of us here at home. AJ's life force is strong and will not be ignored and not having it here on a day to day basis will be hard though an opportunity for some respite for us as well.