One month later…(theme song plays in the background – now if
I just had one!)
It has been four weeks since the judgment came down that has
changed my life drastically. It was on that day I learned that I no longer had
custody of my five children. Now I have tried hard not to be a Debbie Downer
since then overwhelm you with woe is me tales of my life since that day. I
think I have been fairly successful in doing that and hopefully this post won’t
be a downer either. But just a gentle reminder for my family and friends to
keep praying for the kids, me and even Julie.
The first few days weren’t too bad as there were reminders
of the kids everywhere I looked and it was easy for me to deny the fact they
were not coming back anytime soon. Yet within 10 days, Julie finally was able
to move into her new home and get all of her belongings and furnishings out of
the house we once shared. I wanted the transition to be easy for my kids I gave
many things I would have actually kept for the kids to Julie to take to her new
house for the kids use. Beds, bedding, minor
furnishings, wall decor, toys and etc. While it would have been easy for me to be greedy and
vindictive and not give her anything that wasn’t included in the divorce
settlement, I could not do it as I truly felt such opportunities to give to my
kids would only benefit them in the transition and for the long term. I did ask
Julie to pay for some of the items and she did willingly. She even allowed me to help each of them get things settled in their new rooms in her home.
After all of her belongings were gone I spent a very long
week cleaning and rearranging and setting up the house to be put on the market.
I could not believe how dirty this house had gotten. I could not believe how
much dirt and grossness my kids could create. I won’t gag you with the gory
details, but just know that there were gloves and very long barbeque tongs
involved a couple of times that week. Ewww…bad scenes from a movie became my
reality. LOL
Once the house was set and staged and then placed on the market
was when reality set in and it was ugly. There was a day or two where I became
near paralyzed with grief. Yes grief finally hit me as I sat in my redefined
large home that was near spotless (though I still find dirt spots from time to
time I missed). There were days it took every ounce of strength and courage to
get out of bed and do something productive. I am thankful for family and
friends who checked on me frequently and encouraged me on those bad days. While
I am generally feeling better I still have moments that hang heavy on me as I
think about my kiddos and what they may be doing at that moment.
After a misunderstanding this past weekend I had to actually
explain to Julie how this change has affected me. I could believe I had to
explain it to her. In my own words I told her that I have gone from managing
nearly every detail of the lives of our children (even during our 19 month
separation) to having little or no contact with them and in some cases don’t
know what they are doing at any given moment. I continue to feel that little
pieces of my children are vanishing everyday from my life. I literally spent
most hours of my days taking care of my kids and their needs to now being blessed
to see them once a week as Julie allows. I will say for the most part Julie has
allowed me to see them, but I have to tell ya it is very humbling to have to
ask someone if you can see your own children. Think about it? What would it be
like for you if couldn’t just get up and see your kids whenever you wanted, but
you had to ask? How would that make you feel?
It does not make me feel very good. It makes me feel like
some kind of criminal. Makes me lfeel ike some kind of less than. It makes me feel
like I am not good enough. Yet until 4 weeks ago I was good enough and then
boom overnight - YOU SUCK – do not pass
go unless you ask permission first. If that doesn’t make you go WOW then I don’t
know what will. So I buck up and I ask! I don’t always get an immediate answer
and sometimes I have to wait and most times I get a, “yes you may see your
children.” It is like sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear your name called, "Mr. Ballard the doctor will see you now!" Ahhh the deep sigh of relief as you prepare yourself and put on your
happy face to go see your kids and be with them and pretend all is well. It is not their battle, it is mine!
Some of you are wondering how the kids are doing. Overall
they have been so entrenched in settling into a new house, getting back into
school for the year, and making adjustments to life that I don’t think it has
truly occurred to them that they are not seeing me as much. And that’s ok.
When I do get to spend time with them I try to spend a little one on one time
with each of them. Which isn’t always easy as they are all vying for my
attention when we are together. I have had one weekend with them, as my parents
are allowed to supervise visits. So my folks were here and the kids were here
and it was a good weekend Lots of playing and hugs and kisses and snuggles and
etc. When I see them they are happy to see me and engage me
accordingly. Julie has been great in keeping me in the loop of educational,
medical and other appts and issues as they have arisen. In some ways she has
been supportive.
On the legal front, I have started the appeal process. We
have filed the notice of intent to appeal with the Missouri Western Appellate
division or whatever they are called. Now my lawyer has a certain period of
time to write his appeal brief that will outline how we feel the judge’s ruling
was unjust given the testimony and evidence presented in the divorce hearing to
justify our request to overturn the ruling. We cannot enter new evidence or
materials or witnesses. This appeal is solely based on the ruling the judge
made and how it does not fit with the evidence presented. Once the brief is
sent to the Appeal Court there is a panel of 3 judges that will review the
brief and then make their determination. The determination will be sent back to
the original judge with hopefully direction on how to correct the ruling based
on what they see from the evidence provided. Then the original judge has to
rewrite his ruling in accordance with the guidelines provided by the appellate
panel. There is also a chance that the appellate panel will just tell the
original judge that they disagree with his ruling and he has to change it and
not give him any guidelines in which to follow as he rewrites the ruling. And
there is a chance the appellate court will concur with the judgment and nothing
will change. I am hoping the new 50/50 law will give some additional credence
to my appeal. If you are not familiar with the new 50/50 law that just went
into effect here in Missouri then Google it and read about it. Mainly it forces
judges in divorce/custody matters to vacate the previous mindset of automatically giving
wives and mothers preferential treatment right to win in such cases and look more at
how custody can be more equitable for both parents.
Financially I am gonna be honest I am completely tapped out.
I have not been this broke in over a decade and it is freaking me out a bit. I
have been selling things like crazy. Every day I try and ensure I sell
something online and even if it $5 it has been a good day. I have food and the
basics of life right now. I have a roof over my head and the mortgage company
has been somewhat supportive and aren’t pulling the repo plug just yet. The
house is on the market and the traffic of people looking at the place has been
very steady so I am pleased about that. I need this place to sell soon. I am
looking into filing bankruptcy as the judge also placed 80% of the marital debt
on my plate. It is all crazy. So my new motto is that if it is not nailed down
it is for sale! Except for my dogs.
While I have been able to come up with quite a bit of cash
to pay the attorney fees I am still behind. I am working on a payment plan that
works for all parties involved but I still have so far to go. If the house
sells I will be able to pay my attorney with the proceeds of the house, but I
worry that won’t still be enough. God knows and day by day, I count the cash in
my wallet and coins in my jar and check my bank account online. I have not had
the credit card people calling me yet, but I am afraid that is about to start
any day now.
Days can be long at times as I miss my kids, try not to
stress about finances, keep then house neat and clean, wonder where I will be
living in a couple of months, wondering when I will see the kids again and
keeping myself healthy. Ok I said this wasn’t going to be Debbie Downer posts…so
let me bring this back around. So here is what I KNOW right here and right now.
1)
I still see my kids at least once a week.
2)
Julie keeps me mostly informed about what’s
going on with them.
3)
My oldest has been over at least once a day for
the past 3 days to say hi!
4)
I have a roof over my head!
5)
The utility bills are all paid.
6)
I have food in my cupboards.
7)
I have my dogs and dog food for them.
8)
I am selling a little bit every day.
9)
I have amazing neighbors who are there for me.
10)
I have a couple of great friends who check on me
each day.
11)
I have my mom and dad who are being so supportive.
12)
There has been a lot of traffic of people
looking at the house.
13)
A plan is developing for my next step in housing.
More on that later.
14)
I am loved by God and family and friends.
At this time, what more can I truly ask for? If you would
please continue to pray for my kids and I that would be greatly appreciated.
Also if you would like to help me out financially please see the link below to
contribute.
So for one month later (cue the theme music) I am doing ok!
Keeping my head about me. Not totally freaking out. Trusting God each day to
supply what I need. So ya, I am doing ok! Now to find my6 theme song.....
