The Single Parent and the Teenager with Mental Illness

Let me just say I am not a single parent. I am blessed that my former wife and I can still work together for the well-being of all our children. Over the past few weeks, I have had the experience of being a single parent. One week (actually 10 days) for the mother of my children to take a much needed vacation and spend some time with her mother. Then a week after she returned she left for a business trip and was away for five days. It was during those times I felt like a single parent and damn it was hard.

I started out my parenting journey as a single parent. I adopted my oldest son when I was single and he was only two years old, that was 19 years ago. Courtney and I were alone together just him and I against the world until he was eight and I married the woman who eventually adopted him as her own. We both had to adjust to life with this woman in our lives. It was an adjustment for all three of us, but we figured it out. Throughout the years of our marriage my former and wife had times where one of us had to be away for a day or two or even longer, leaving the other home alone with The Bunch, however many there were in the family and living at home. We ended up with five kids that we call our own, but we have experienced coming and goings as a result of trauma, drama, mental illness, life changes and milestones met. I explain all that to say being a parent is tough for anyone and has its ups and downs. Any parent who is reading this would agree.

There are nights you fall into bed so exhausted you cannot even get undressed. Then there are nights when you fall into bed with gratitude for the beautiful family you have had the pleasure to spend your day. I have had many nights where I have stood in the doorway of a sleeping child's room in the stillness and watched their chests rise and fall. Seeing their closed eyes in the rays of moonlight that filtered through the windows. Those moments of awe and peace were beautiful and I treasure those moments always. Yet when you are the only parent in the house and especially for many days in a row, there are not many opportunities to count your blessings. 

During these days of single parenting, I was privileged to have my parents step in and help with things here and there. Yet in an attempt to protect their roles as grandparents I am careful what I ask of them. Managing meals, back packs, home work, medications and appointments while still trying to work as a single parent is at times overwhelming. Yet there is my single parenting days over the past few weeks where it included a teenager with mental illness on top of it all. One of the reason's my former wife and I have chosen the living arrangement we have is so that we do not have to be a single parent to our kids. I have referred in previous posts of how we tap in and tap out with each other as needed. That is hard to do when you are across town from each other. Believe me when I say this arrangement is not always easy or convenient for this formerly married couple. We have had to forgive and let go of the past hurts and pain and move forward for the sake of our children and our own sanity. 

Back to my days of single parenting, they were hard and challenging and in the midst of all that was when I started blogging about life with my daughter with mental illness. Those days brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts that I just needed to get out of my system. Yet it has taken me on a deeply personal internal journey of how I truly feel about this child of mine, the teenager with mental illness. I am going to be very candid and open with my readers now and I hope you will give me grace and understanding as I share what I have to say. 

I have a very defined and clear understanding of my love for my daughter. I know that she is my daughter and I cannot imagine her not being in my life. My love for her is a defined fact that will not be disproven. Yet if truth be told, I do not always like her. She can be mean, spiteful, vengeful, hateful, selfish, demanding, whiny, confused, annoying, calculated and many other attributes and names I have attributed to her in my mind during the days when her disease if working in over drive. It is hard to overlook the actions of this daughter of mine and remember it is her illness making her take these actions (though some are hormonal), and just take it all. She has called me a liar, a killer, a thief, a kidnapper, horrible parent, demented, crazy, stupid, ugly and many more names that I care not to repeat including words I would never ever say aloud. She knows every curse word in the book and maybe some that she made up. She can slam doors and throw things and storm out the door and march down the street in anger. She can write me notes and letters telling me what she really thinks of me. I know I am not alone. I know many parents have experienced such moments with their children at one point or another. Yet I do not know many parents who can say they have experienced that for so many days in a row for months and years on end. That can wear on a guy. That can wear a dad out. That can really drain my grace tank. I sometimes run out of grace. 

There is no joy in admitting that I have yelled back at her at times. I acknowledge that the vitriolic screams and accusations that she hurls at me do indeed hook me and trigger every bone in my heart and mind at times. I have dreamed about getting up and walking out the door and getting in my car and driving away and never coming back, but I have not. There have been many times when I have thought about just refusing to deal with her anymore and telling her mother that I want nothing more to do with her and she is all her problem now, but I have not. I have gone so far and imagined what our family would like if she were not in it and wonder if it would have been better. Remember I am being painfully honest here people. It hurts me to share these thoughts, but they are real. This is what living life with a teenager with mental illness can do to a person. 

It is during those times when I am single parenting that I struggle the most with those feelings and emotions Those are the times when I am her only target that I feel it the most. Many days I can deal with it, but after several days of single parenting with her it gets old and exhausting and frankly I just shut down to it all. It is in those times where I am just doing what I have to do to get through the day while keeping everyone safe and alive. You have to remember I not only have my daughter with mental illness to care for, but my two younger children are in the home as well. I have to attend to their needs as well and honestly they do not always do well when their big sister is demanding all my time and energy while single parenting. It is not unusual when my daughter is struggling that one of the younger ones will be on their own roller coaster and need more support than normal. Therefor my energy becomes more sapped than ever as I try to keep all the plates spinning. We sometimes joke and ask each other, what did we do to end up with such a diverse group of kids that have become ours both in love and law. 

Lifting my glass to single parents everywhere, it is a tough job! It is not for the faint of heart. Frankly, I don't recommend it, especially when dealing with a child/teenager with mental illness. It will drain you and take its toll on you. You will feel like you have been physically beat up and mentally fried. Eleven year ago we did not know our daughter had a mental illness when she came to live with us at the age of 6-years. We expected there would be challenges as she was considered a special needs child as she was over the age of five in the foster system and had a lot of memories and feelings associated with her bio mom and their life together before the state separated them. We also knew going into it that she had some developmental delays that we would need to address and we were glad to do what needed to be done. As she has gotten older her life has complicated ours more than we ever thought possible, yet here we are still plugging along one day at a time. 

This evening my co-parent returned home after being on a five day business trip and whew am I tired. As she settled into the family routine again I slowly eased my way out and took my leave and went to my domain and started to breathe and decompress, so I could start the recharge process. It is what we do and how it works for us as a unit. 

Let me conclude by saying LOUDLY and CLEARLY, I love my daughter just the way she is. I appreciate who she is as a child of God. I recognize her gifts in art, creativity, boldness, curiosity, resolve, honesty, goofiness, and desire to want to be healthy and whole. 

The Eyes of a Teenager with Mental Illness

 Her eyes are deep brown and at times sparkle and reflect joy and pure elation. Other days her eyes are dull and lifeless and appear to be sunken in with dark circles beneath. Many times we can tell her mental status just by looking at her eyes. We have all heard the notion that a person's eyes are a window to their soul. Yet there are days when I look into her eyes that I am scared and fearful of what I see. 

She can bubble and sparkle and be giddy and silly and screech for joy, much to the chagrin of all nearby ears. Her laugh is loud and boisterous and at times forced as she feels it is the appropriate response in a given situation. Sometimes her ability to track social cues is skewed and those laughs come at inappropriate times. We have all had those moments of social faux pauxs, yet for her they are regular occurrences. If her mother or I are nearby we may flinch at the awkward moment and try to discreetly redirect her in hopes she will accept our direction and move on. There are times when she does not accept the direction and makes the moment harder for all involved. During her younger years it was easier for others to dismiss those moments. Now sadly that she is older and looks like a typical teenager and it is hard for people of overlook. She is a classic case of you cannot judge a book by it's cover. 

The eyes at times can be sunken in and dull with no true reflection being offered in return. These are the moments when her entire countenance changes to reflect how her mental illness is affecting her in that moment. These eyes can rule her body for an hour or days at a time. Episodes of dark brooding and extreme paranoia. At times she will stop and freeze in place, no matter what she is doing, and stay like that for a minute or even five and if we notice it we try and break her out of it. She is not able to explain what happens to her during those interludes of lostness. I wonder if during those episodes if the voices of her illness are trying their hardest to take complete control of her. On these dark days I feel as if the voices and imaginary things no one else can see or hear are trying to stage a mutiny on her mind. She sleeps more during these dark times and I suspect she is exhausted from fighting those voices and visions from a complete take over. The constant fight that must wage in her brain must be exhausting and I admire her for fighting the good fight. I pray each day that her strength be renewed to continue the fight and to never completely give in and surrender. 

During my moments of frustration and even righteous anger I struggle to remind myself not to be mad at my brown eyed girl, but to be angry at this insidious disease that is trying to overtake her. It is so hard to see beyond her face, which is lovely and beautiful, to see the monster that lies within and place blame where it belongs. Yet as a teenager she does have culpability at times. Herein lies the struggle as we try and distinguish if this a typical teenage reaction or is this a mental illness reaction. It can be a very hard distinction to make and at times we never truly know. 

Which brings me to her sad eyes which are brimming with tears as she tries hard to hold them back. It is when I see these sad brown pools of tears that I know she is trying so hard to understand what she is supposed to do. These moments where she does not understand ours or others frustrations with her. When she thinks she is spot on in her responses and actions only to find out she is still off. The real girl inside wants so hard to please and be accepted and struggles daily to find ways to do that. The little rivers of frustration trail down her cheeks as she tries to explain to us that she is trying and does not understand. The moments when she is so overwhelmed with sadness and frustration over the situation she finds herself in and knows there is nothing she can do. It is during these times that I find  myself the angriest, not at her, but at this stupid mental illness which has wreaked such havoc in her life. 

I have also seen angry eyes which shoots darts of death and mayhem at me or who ever she is upset with in that moment. Interestingly enough I feel that these angry shooting eyes are combination of her true self and of her disease. I think the eyes and feelings associated with them originate with my daughter but are then intensified and overtaken by the disease to the point she can lose control.  As the fiery darts are shooting from her eyes she is often yelling and screaming and sometimes even running after you to gain a physical hold of you. Honestly those moments scare me and I do not always know how to respond. My first goal is to keep everyone safe and to get the siblings out of the way as often times these moments are directed at them if not her mother and I. We have to think quickly as to how to deescalate her. We do not argue with her, but we encourage her use her words and we try to help her sort out truth from lies. Have their been times where she has done damage, well yes there have. Thankfully they have been far and few between. They have been as brief as 10-minutes to lasting a couple of hours. During these scenarios are when her mother and I tap in and tap out as needed. Sometimes we are both required to be a part of the intervention. When the siblings were younger it was harder to manage as they would get scared and need more reassurances. Now they have a sense of this being her illness and are able to separate without too much fear, but they do worry about their big sister and need reassurance once the episode is over. 

As I have written this post I find myself thinking of my own eyes and what she sees in my eyes. It is my hope and prayer that she sees love, compassion, truth and understanding. Yet I know there are times when she sees frustration, anger, disillusionment, exhaustion and maybe even nothing at all at times. The days are long for my co-parent and I. Each day we look into her eyes and try to gauge what we are going to get that day. Some days are full of light and bubbles and other days are full of darts and fire. 

All that being said, the eyes do tell a story. They are predictors of victory or defeat. The eyes are one of the keys to her well-being. What will she see in your eyes next time you encounter her or what will anyone see that you encounter throughout the day?

Severe Stress of Daily Living with My Mentally Ill Teen

 As I continue to reveal the story of our lives impacted by teenage mental illness it should come as no surprise that there is a great deal of stress included. The fears, confusion and grief equal a great deal of stress as parents to our seventeen-year-old daughter who is affected by mental illness. The stress not only comes directly from her, but from other sources as well.

One of the primary stresses comes from the educational system. I admire those who work in the educational system as their jobs have become increasingly more challenging in recent years. Historically schools only had to deal with kids who had developmental delays and support them in a self-contained classroom setting. As educational awareness has increased in recent decades those kids impacted by special needs are now given access to the “Least restrictive environment” possible. Not just kids with developmental delays, but also those with behavioral challenges and emotional problems and mental illness. As a parent I was not, and some days still not prepared for raising this child. I cannot imagine how teachers and other educational staff must feel. This means that students such as my daughter are “mainstreamed” into traditional classrooms with supports in place for them to be successful. These supports not only include a full time paraprofessional but also altered educational goals that match her ability levels. The stress of managing all these components as her parents are great. On any given week we field calls and messages from education staff regarding her behaviors and academic progress. We have a great deal of respect for the educational staff we work with and appreciate their efforts, yet if we were not advocating on a daily/weekly basis our daughter’s education experience would look much different.

Another factor of stress we deal with is that of dealing with her mental health support providers in the form of psychiatrists and case managers and pharmacist and others as needed. The stress involved with managing the various parties involved with her daily mental health is making sure everyone is on the same page as things change and evolve in her illness. Given the frequency of transitions that take place among providers we have to stay on top of her medical history, hospitalization records, prescription history (which is extensive and daunting) as well as documenting issues that occur at home. There are times when various agencies forget to schedule follow up appointments, so we then scramble to get appointments made before prescriptions run out. Some prescriptions cannot be renewed without a follow up appointment with the doctor first. It has happened that we have gone a day or two or longer without necessary medications because providers could not accommodate the deadline in their schedules. Which results in increased stress as we wait on pins and needles as to how our daughter will react without a key medication in her daily regimen.  

Stress comes in the form of family relationship dynamics between our daughter and other siblings. She can be demanding and rude and selfish to point that she grabs too much of our attention thus causing the other siblings to feel ignored or pushed aside. We will discuss this issue more in detail in a future post.

There are times when going out into the community with her is stressful. Example a few years ago I was at a clothing store with her and she was annoyed with me. As we were checking out, she started telling the store clerk that she hated me and that I was not her father and that she needed to get away from me. The clerk looked at me startled and I quietly reassured the clerk that she was upset as I would not buy her what she wanted, and therefore she was making such statements. I admit my stress meter was going off the chart as I was waiting for a squadron of police officers to descend upon the store, surround me and demand I put my hands up and step away from the girl. Luckily the clerk did not overreact and just smiled and sent us on our way as I am sure she was having the same mental images I was at that time. I looked over my shoulder repeatedly as walked to the car and exited the shopping center. That incident alone caused enough stress that it physically affected my body and made us overly cautious as to how and when to take her into public settings. While I admit her self-control may be a bit better as she gets older, she is still capable of such behaviors at any given moment.

I find myself constantly plotting as to how to help my daughter be successful in the community. Historically she will walk up to strangers and say inappropriate things to them. Trying to discern when she is in a good enough head space to give her freedoms and liberty in public (as any typical 17-year-old) versus keeping her by my side. We have been very blessed that most people who have been approached by Lyric have been very kind and gracious towards her, yet as she gets older I fear that may not always be the case.  

Stress is something everyone deals with every day. Raising kids is stressful. I am not trying to convince you my stress is worse than anyone else’s. Yet it is different and comes from different places and it is hard to get away from the source of stress somedays. This is one of the main reasons that my co-parent (former wife) and I share a home with the kids as alone we could not parent this child in a healthy way. We have days where we must tap out or tap in as we know and recognize when we are reaching a point of being unhealthy. There are times when one of us is out of town and must deal with the stress the best way we know how. Sadly, there are times when we allow the stress to overwhelm us and express it in unhealthy ways. Do not worry no gets hurt or anything but voices are raised, and groundings are issued and there is a deep fog of tension in the house for awhile and the adults give themselves their own time out.

As a foster and adoptive parent I have dealt with a wide variety of kid issues. Yet one of the most challenging and stressful things I ever deal with is determining when I and my co-parent cannot do anymore for our daughter at home. We know she is deteriorating fast and have exhausted all of our local supports and the mental health providers are at a loss as to what to do next. So we are forced to look outside or our home and community.  We have had to have our daughter hospitalized on several occasions over the years. It is heartbreaking to watch her suffer to the point she needs to be hospitalized. It is stressful trying to find a hospital that will accept her as a patient when she is at that level of distress. The process of finding a mental health inpatient facility is like a lottery system. When they say they will admit her you have to run, don't stop, don't pass go. Just get there ASAP or another patient in need could get that bed. Then the process of admissions is stressful as we have had to learn how to answer the admissions questions in such a way (while still telling the truth) that increase her odds of acceptance for admission. Sadly mental health facility admissions is a game. The act of surrender and leaving her in the care of others is stressful and in some ways a huge sigh of relief. We question ourselves. Is this right place for her? Did we really do all we could before coming here? Will she contact as while she is there? One hospital was four hours away from home and we were not in a position we could go visit during her stay. We prefer she not be so far away from us but we can't be too choosy when she is in distress. 

We have read the articles and watched the videos of how to manage stress. Everyone has to figure out the best way then can manage their stress. The key is to manage the stress and not let it overwhelm you. Which is not always easy when raising a teenager with a mental illness.