I find it quite surreal that I am just 2 days away from the legal beginning of the end of my marriage! In less than 48 hours I will be sitting in a court room determining the final outcome of this relationship that has covered the past nine and a half years of my life. It is with bitter sweet emotion that I look back and see the flashes of my marriage....the joys, sorrows, failures, wins, smiles, tears, illness and wellness and the creation of a family that was and is still designed by God.
You may ask how is it still designed by God if it the relationship is over. The marriage is over, but the relationship is not over! We share five beautiful amazing children and as a result we will be in relationship until the day we die as a result of the Fab 5! Clearly we are in a difficult time in our relationship and it may never be what it was in the beginning due to all the happenings of our life together, yet I am confident in this, "that He who began a good work, will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus!" The marriage itself maybe gone and destroyed but who we are as parents is still there and will always be there and that is the tie that will bind us together.
It can honestly be said that we have worked diligently to do what we could to spare our kids heartache and pain over the past 11 months and as hard as we tried it just wasn't possible to shield our children from the pain of our divorce. There is no way! It took me several months to accept the fact that these children are affected and saddened by what is happening to our family. I have seen the evidence in tears, temper tantrums, probing questions of why, bad school grades, visits to therapists, change in behaviors and in many other ways. We have done everything right in terms of keeping the kids out of the disagreements, not using them against each other, communicating daily about the needs of each child, assuring that transitions were handled smoothly and peacefully. Yet it was still not enough to keep any of them from feeling the effects! That fact alone makes me grieve!
While my heart is truly saddened by the end of my marriage and the hurt that has been caused, I am most affected by the fact my children are dealing with such a situation in their young lives. I prided myself for many years by stating to myself, my wife, the kids and the world, that I would never get divorced and yet here I sit at the beginning of the end of the end! I am eating crow and truly disappointed in myself for not being able to be a man of my word on this matter! I wanted more for my children. Will they survive? Yes they will survive but there will be scars that they will carry with them for a lifetime. What will each of them carry with them in regards to relationships with others, their feelings about marriage and divorce, their feelings about promises and broken promises and most importantly their feelings about God Himself! I am not beating myself up about this, but being realistic to the cause and effect relationship of the divorce as a whole! I have forgiven myself for my part of the situation and am working to move forward with the assurance of His Amazing Grace.
As a result of the separation and legal process involved in my divorce I can honestly say I do not know how it will all turn out when the judge is done! I know what I would like to see happen, but truly do not know the final outcome of custody, finances and other factors that are now being left up to His Honor to determine. I find myself wanting to fill up a box of files and documents that prove my points of view that can be submitted as evidence in dramatic television fashion at the last minute to ensure I win. I see myself sitting by my attorney and furiously passing him notes as the witnesses for the plaintiff testify to tell him they are not being completely forthright. I think of myself sitting in the witness box myself giving testimony and looking out and looking into her eyes and seeing the pain and sorrow she is feeling as well! Then I realize this is not about winning! No one wins in divorce! Not about the money, property, belongings or retirement funds or whatever.....it is about getting to the other side with as much dignity and honor in tact as possible. To ensure that the human lives (mostly my children) caught up in this situation are protected and cared for in the best possible way.
Many folks would be very morose and depressed about the situation at this stage of the game and honestly it has been tempting. Yet when it all comes down to it I have assurance that when it is all said and done I will be ok and the kids will be ok and we have a hope and a promise for a future that is full of more smiles, memories, illness, tears, and joy! I see the future as hopeful in many ways and in time I will share more about that, but for now I honor the season in which I am in as I await for the End of the End!
Peace is my goal for the next few days. To be a man of peace and calm and serenity. To remind myself daily or even minute by minute if needed that I am not control at this time! It is completely up to the judge and God Himself how this all works out. So what I KNOW at this time and place as I ponder the end of the end is that I am choosing PEACE!
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you;
not as the world gives do I give to you.
Let your heart not be troubled
and let it not be afraid."
John 14:27
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