One of my great mantras in life is as follows, "By the grace of God I am a man of truth and integrity while living the adventure of a lifetime." Some of you may have just laughed when reading those words in reference to me! Believe me there have been days when I have done the same. Yet I am not above human err! I humbly and even at times begrudgingly take responsibility for my faults and strive to learn from where I have not met the mark, especially in the areas of truth and integrity! But more on that later.
Today I ended up in the Emergency Room again to try and get some answers to the age old question I have carried with me my entire life, "What is wrong with me now?" For the past few weeks I have been having serious bouts of lower back pain which slowly ebbed into my hip and groin and in the past few days is now migrating to my upper thigh and knee....all on the left side. I have had multiple chiropractic adjustments since this all began with little or no relief. Let me assure this is of no reflection on my amazing chiropractor Dr. Sonia. Yet she is smart enough and willing to acknowledge when what she is doing to help me is not enough and agreed with me that I needed to see an orthopedist for further evaluation. For those of you in mid-Missouri go see Dr. Sonia at Health Quest in Jefferson City, you won't be sorry you did! Ok commercial break is over!
Several phone calls later I have an appointment with an orthopedist to get the process started yet again. Can't get in for a couple of weeks but I am scheduled. Yet when I awoke this morning and could barely move without tingling and pain I knew I had to do something sooner than later. I got the kids off to school and headed to my favorite ER at Capital Region...another great institution I might add. Sadly I have earned quite a few frequent flyer miles there over the past few years. I haven't figured out how to turn my miles at the ER into miles towards free airline tickets. Hmmmm... maybe the Donald can work on that once he hits the oval office.
They gave me 3 big needles straight in the hip......that was fun....yikes those were big and deep. Did an xray on my back to find nothing out of the ordinary for a 47 year old man, which I suspected would be the case. Insurance wouldn't approve an MRI (which is what I really needed) unless it was life threatening so now I wait to get an order from my primary doctor to go get an MRI. Oh the hoops I enjoy jumping through when I can barely move as it is. The good news is that my doctor has learned I know my body well and most likely wont make me come in for a visit but will order the MRI based on my request. I am grateful as that will expedite the process. The good thing about the ER trip was I got some great mood altering lay me flat on the bed medications to ease the pain and help me rest. It was a nice afternoon.
Sharing all this information with you is not an attempt to gain sympathy (but added prayers are always good), but rather to give you all a broader understanding of what people with chronic illness deal with on a daily basis. For those of who us may not present ourselves with obvious indicators of chronic illness we are even more at risk for receiving skepticism.When some find out I am on disability and cannot work anymore. I even had the joy (read disappointment) of explaining this situation to my 17 year old son the other day who accused me of being lazy and being unwilling to work so he can have more stuff and money. I had to explain the Social Security system and how for 25+ years I contributed to SS through my earnings. I had to explain to him that money was put aside by me and held by the government for such a time as this in my life. If it wasn't for that I don't know where we would be right now. Oh I know, and my parents are ever so grateful for the Social Security system. So while the Social Security system may have issues and many may abuse it, for me it is a God send and being used for its original intent in my life. Hopefully my wonderfully smart son will understand that someday, I just hope it is soon. HA!
On days when it is damp, cold, rainy, or even humid my pain levels can be off the chart. Those are the same days I push through and
- Take kids to school
- Attend school meetings
- Drive two hours to visit a child who is residing in a facility so he can come home soon and thrive (did I mention driving is the most pain inducing activity I can participate it)
- Go to the grocery
- Cook the meals
- Carry laundry up and down the stairs
- Try to keep this house somewhat clean
- And oh so much more.....
Then starts the "bad dad" self inflicting guilt trips. The past couple of weeks have been a struggle indeed and in some cases I have failed miserably. I am blessed that Julie (my soon to be ex-wife and I) are still able to communicate and make good choices for our kids and support one another as needed through the parenting process. We both recognize when we have had enough and need a break even as a couple going through a divorce we see it in each other and offer support. Not only does it support us, it supports our kids and helps them see we are still a united front as their parents.
Admittedly there are many days I spend alone and without much contact with the outside world. It can be overwhelmingly silent at times, but I have and continuing to learn how to handle that silence in healthy ways. Those are the days I refer to as my "Silent Days of Suffering", don't they sound fun? If you ever wanna join me let me know! Again this is not a woe is me post, but rather helping others recognize what it is like to live with quiet chronic illness. I have had people say to me, "oh just get off your butt and get busy and you will be fine!" Honestly there are days there may be some truth to that, but not often! If you truly know me you know I am not a sit around and do nothing kind of guy! I love this one. "Just give it all to God He will be there for you!" You know what I hear when folks say that, "So what do you want me to do about it I ain't got time for your crap!" I am preaching to me on that one as well. I know God is always with me, yet in His perfect wisdom He has taught me to use my abilities and limitations as opportunities for growth and maturity. He is not the cause of my infirmities, but rather they are the result of living in a world that is messed up!
A Time for Everything - Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:1-8
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I have definitely have seasons in my life of all the descriptors listed above! Therefore I believe having Silent Days of Suffering is not all bad! The key is not have too many of them side by side.
It is true we may never know the battles our family members and friends might be dealing with on given day. Let us be cautious to not ascribe judgement and motive to other's actions when it may just be a "Silent Day of Suffering" from them which is best met with grace, time and a smile!
All of this to say, my body is failing me lately and it is affecting my ability to parent my kids when I need them most. I am doing everything in my power to get through this season yet not letting it stop me for the purpose of being there for my kids when they need me. Though I find when needed they can be there for me. This happened last night during a particular intense episode of pain.
AJ: What's wrong Daddy?
Daddy: I am hurting and my booboos are making me have lots of pain.
AJ: Here daddy sit down and I will hold your hand. (yelling near my ear) Lexi come here daddy needs us. (Lexi runs in all the while I am grimacing trying to down play the pain).
Lexi: Daddy what's wrong.
Daddy: I just need a few minutes to sit here and rest so the pain might go away
Lexi: Ok dad we will take care of you now. AJ go get daddy a can of coke, a really really cold one.
AJ: Got it (runs to the kitchen)
Lexi: Daddy you want me to get you some ice for your back.
Daddy: Sure honey that would be great. (Lexi takes off and passes AJ en route)
AJ: Here is your coke Daddy, is it cold enough.
Daddy: I am sure it is fine buddy.
AJ: I am going to rub your back for you daddy (and rubs my back tenderly and cautiously)
Lexi: (Returning with the ice pack) Here ya go daddy
AJ: Not there Lexi, I am rubbing his back there. Put it somewhere else.
Lexi (A little louder) No this is where it needs to go.
AJ: (even louder) Move Lexi I am taking care of Daddy!
Daddy: (trying to intervene before it gets physical) Ok you two have done so many nice things for daddy, I am better and so appreciate you taking care of me. But I think I got it now! Go ahead and go back outside and play
AJ: Yay,,,,,c'mon Lexi lets go find those turtLes again.
Lexi: Ok bye dad,,,,call us if you need us for anything.
AJ: Ya dad we are here for you, but after we find our turtles.
They turn and run out of the room as fast as they can the front door closing loudly behind them with their priorities clearly in order! The exchange lasted a minute or two at best, but I was touched at the moment of compassion they extended towards me. It gave me hope. So maybe one of the benefits of my situation is it gives opportunity to teach my kids some things about life.
So here is what I know....
I have a silent chronic illness that at times puts me down for a day or two and on rare occasions for much longer.
That others need to recognize that we can't always know what is going on with someone else who may be having an off day. Rather than being hurt or upset lets extend grace, maybe a listening ear and definitely a smile.
I am not a "bad-dad" and I do the best I can for my kids and I have faith that God is going to see them through.
That I am blessed that I am able to here for my kids at this time of their lives, even it is from the sidelines at times. I love being a dad and wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have an awesome Chiropractor......she has become a good friend!
And finally that sometimes good medications can do a body good! Kind of like milk!
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