By the grace of God....

In my post from yesterday I shared with you a mantra that I hold to. "By the grace of God I am a man of truth committed to integrity while living the adventure of a lifetime!" I indicated that some of you may think it is a joke to see words such as "truth" and "integrity" associated with me given events that led to the destruction of my marriage. I created that mantra during a very special experience that occurred several years before the separation and divorce became a reality. Looking back it is not surprising that during that intense time of sef reflection that I created my mantra to include those words. As those were words I ascribed to live by but frequently failed in those areas.

Today, May 12th is a day of significance for me and for many others I hold dear! Nine years ago on this day I became married to a woman for the first time. At 38 years old it was something I was convinced would never happen and yet there I stood at the front of the sanctuary watching her walk radiating down the aisle on her father's arm. It could not have been a more perfect day on just about every level. Yet as I sit here reflecting on the happenings of that day I do so with a sense of bitter sweetness. I truly believed at that time that I was doing the right thing and that I was in love with this woman. I was raised to believe this was God's design, what could go wrong, yet were there warning signs back then? Did I chalk those signs up to butterflies and nervousness about all the changes that were going on for both of us?

Since the initiation of our separation back in December 2014 I have often wondered what I would do differently to avoid all the pain and hurt my actions caused that led up to her decision to walk away. I have to admit that she did extend grace and forgiveness even before she came to her decision to separate and I appreciate her willingness to do that for me, for our family. It was clearly something I did not deserve as I did not exercise good judgement, did not tell the truth, I was not a man of integrity and I did not honor the vows I made to her on that day 9 years ago. I have apologized to her many times and I take this opportunity to apologize to those of you who were there that day to support us.

While divorce is never easy, I want to publicly acknowledge that she and I have continued to work very closely in the way we raise our children. We may disagree on other issues involved with divorce, but in managing our children and doing what is in their best interest we are typically always on the same page. When you are co-parenting five children who are very unique and most of the time high demand we knew we had to make it work. While our children have had their struggles with the separation and divorce we have done everything in our power to ease the turmoil and interruption to their day to day life. This can be challenging in the midst of our own mix of feelings towards one another. I am still blessed that she is working with me and not against me in terms of our children.

It is my hope and prayer that as the divorce finalizes in the next few weeks (I hope) we can move forward as friends as there are many things that I truly enjoy about her. I also want to acknowledge and thank her for indulgence and patience as I have continued to bring challenging scenarios into my life and the kids and as a result hers as well. While the paper may say divorced, we are permanently connected by virtue of our children and the support they need. There is not a day that goes by that does not require a phone discussion or face to face discussion regarding one child or another or maybe all five in one day (YIKES) and how to move forward with a challenge or opportunity. It would be a lie to say that at times we don't get irritated and frustrated with each other during those discussions, but we work it out.

Someone asked me the other day, if I knew then what I knew now, would you still have gone through with the marriage. I had no good answer as I truly thought I was doing the right thing that day and it seemed like the right thing to do. There were many wonderful times during our marriage and I truly enjoyed creating a family with her. So I can't answer that question without discounting the fact that four of my chidren would not be in my life had it not been for our marriage. I can't discount the relationships that were initiated and built in my own life as a result of her connections. She was a good wife in many ways and was always the first to acknowledge my strengths and tell others how she felt about me. It is with regret that I wish I had done more of that myself toward her.

So since the separation was initiated I have been constantly challenged by the reality that is "Truth" and "Integrity" and I continue to be mindful and conscientious of those aspects of my life. I do feel I have made progress in those area but I am not there, wherever there is! In the coming days I will delve more into the idea of Truth and Integrity and what they mean to me as a man of faith!

So this is what I know....
1) By the grace of God I am a man of truth committed to integrity while living the adventure of a life time.
2) I am not there yet, the journey is not over, nor do I suspect it ever will be this side of heaven.
3) I still care about my soon to ex-wife and have no ill will toward her. I still call on my children to honor her and bless her on a daily basis. That is my main job in terms of supporting her now! She is the mother of my children and I will always support those relationships.
4) I am carrying bittersweet today in my heart, but that is ok and normal.