Helpless

 When you first come to the realization you are going to be a parent you have so many overwhelming emotions. Joy, exhilaration, fear, anxiety, love and so many more. The one thing I never thought I would feel as a parent would be the feeling of complete and total helplessness. Never have I felt so helpless as I have the past 48 hours since AJ entered the hospital. Very little information and very little contact and very little reassurance from anyone in the facility that my son is going to be ok. I have felt totally helpless. 

Yes of course we must trust the system, but you know what, every where I look I see evidence of broken systems. AJ would not be in the hospital if it were not for the fact he is a product of a broken system. His biological mother was part of a broken system which failed her which ultimately failed AJ. How am I supposed to trust any system at this point. All five of my kids are products of broken systems. To be honest we have all been a product of a broken system some time during our lives. And those broken systems have left us helpless in some way. 

It was not until Julie and I called repeatedly. Left multiple messages for multiple people and even then it took hours to get answers about the well-being of our child. During these hours we imagined all sorts of things that could be going on with our son. There was even a moment or two yesterday when I felt I was on the brink of an all out panic attack as I didn't know what he was experiencing and who was really caring for and what they were or were not doing for him. I am not a paranoid pictures but I have heard the stories and watched the stupid made for television movies about such places. When we signed the admissions paperwork we had to automatically trust those people in that hospital that they were going to do right by our son. We have never had any interaction with this facility in the past and could only go with our gut that we were making the right choice for him. 

We experienced moments of doubt and wondering aloud of, "What have we done to our son?" "Did we really do the right thing?" We even started thinking about breaking him out of THAT place tomorrow if we didn't get answers and reassurances from the hospital that we had made the right decision. He is our child! Our responsibility, that we take very seriously and will do whatever we have to ensure his well being is always first priority That goes for each of our children and I think they all know that by now. 

But feeling HELPLESS is not ok. It is unsettling and nerve wracking We have never given up control of our child to someone else like this before. We have never completely let go. This is worst than experiencing a child moving out and moving away. At least then we know where they are and can pick up a phone and contact them whenever we want. We have very strict limits as to when we can speak to our son, and that is if it is convenient for the hospital staff. We are blessed that our son love us and wants to speak to us and usually calls us two or three times a day. The phone calls are short and he always asks, "When can I come home." and "I miss you so much daddy." Yes I have tears in my eyes when he suddenly says, "Ok bye," and then he is gone. Helpless forces me to trust someone else and I guess this goes to prove I do not trust others, especially with the well-being of my son. I do not think that is necessarily a bad thing, just not a familiar place for me be in. 

So yes we got some answers today and have a sense of what to expect in the days ahead. I am still struggling with feeling I am not doing enough for my son. Like most parents I would move heaven and earth for my kids. In many ways I have done that in the past for all my kids in various ways, but it never seems to be enough does it? I do not think of myself as a helicopter parent as I am all about letting my kids make choices and experience success and failure. There is still a part of me that wants to pave the roads before my children so their journeys will be easier, so they won't have to experience this feeling of being helpless.