As I continue to reveal the story of our lives impacted by teenage mental illness it should come as no surprise that there is a great deal of stress included. The fears, confusion and grief equal a great deal of stress as parents to our seventeen-year-old daughter who is affected by mental illness. The stress not only comes directly from her, but from other sources as well.
One of the primary stresses comes from the
educational system. I admire those who work in the educational system as their
jobs have become increasingly more challenging in recent years. Historically
schools only had to deal with kids who had developmental delays and support
them in a self-contained classroom setting. As educational awareness has
increased in recent decades those kids impacted by special needs are now given
access to the “Least restrictive environment” possible. Not just kids with
developmental delays, but also those with behavioral challenges and emotional
problems and mental illness. As a parent I was not, and some days still not
prepared for raising this child. I cannot imagine how teachers and other
educational staff must feel. This means that students such as my daughter are
“mainstreamed” into traditional classrooms with supports in place for them to
be successful. These supports not only include a full time paraprofessional but
also altered educational goals that match her ability levels. The stress of
managing all these components as her parents are great. On any given week we
field calls and messages from education staff regarding her behaviors and academic
progress. We have a great deal of respect for the educational staff we work
with and appreciate their efforts, yet if we were not advocating on a
daily/weekly basis our daughter’s education experience would look much
different.
Another factor of stress we deal with is
that of dealing with her mental health support providers in the form of
psychiatrists and case managers and pharmacist and others as needed. The stress
involved with managing the various parties involved with her daily mental
health is making sure everyone is on the same page as things change and evolve
in her illness. Given the frequency of transitions that take place among
providers we have to stay on top of her medical history, hospitalization
records, prescription history (which is extensive and daunting) as well as
documenting issues that occur at home. There are times when various agencies
forget to schedule follow up appointments, so we then scramble to get
appointments made before prescriptions run out. Some prescriptions cannot be
renewed without a follow up appointment with the doctor first. It has happened
that we have gone a day or two or longer without necessary medications because
providers could not accommodate the deadline in their schedules. Which results
in increased stress as we wait on pins and needles as to how our daughter will
react without a key medication in her daily regimen.
Stress comes in the form of family
relationship dynamics between our daughter and other siblings. She can be
demanding and rude and selfish to point that she grabs too much of our
attention thus causing the other siblings to feel ignored or pushed aside. We
will discuss this issue more in detail in a future post.
There are times when going out into the
community with her is stressful. Example a few years ago I was at a clothing
store with her and she was annoyed with me. As we were checking out, she
started telling the store clerk that she hated me and that I was not her father
and that she needed to get away from me. The clerk looked at me startled and I
quietly reassured the clerk that she was upset as I would not buy her what she wanted,
and therefore she was making such statements. I admit my stress meter was going
off the chart as I was waiting for a squadron of police officers to descend upon
the store, surround me and demand I put my hands up and step away from the girl.
Luckily the clerk did not overreact and just smiled and sent us on our way as I
am sure she was having the same mental images I was at that time. I looked over
my shoulder repeatedly as walked to the car and exited the shopping center. That
incident alone caused enough stress that it physically affected my body and made
us overly cautious as to how and when to take her into public settings. While I
admit her self-control may be a bit better as she gets older, she is still
capable of such behaviors at any given moment.
I find myself constantly plotting as to how
to help my daughter be successful in the community. Historically she will walk
up to strangers and say inappropriate things to them. Trying to discern when
she is in a good enough head space to give her freedoms and liberty in public
(as any typical 17-year-old) versus keeping her by my side. We have been very
blessed that most people who have been approached by Lyric have been very kind
and gracious towards her, yet as she gets older I fear that may not always be
the case.
Stress is something everyone deals with every
day. Raising kids is stressful. I am not trying to convince you my stress is worse
than anyone else’s. Yet it is different and comes from different places and it
is hard to get away from the source of stress somedays. This is one of the main
reasons that my co-parent (former wife) and I share a home with the kids as
alone we could not parent this child in a healthy way. We have days where we must
tap out or tap in as we know and recognize when we are reaching a point of being
unhealthy. There are times when one of us is out of town and must deal with the
stress the best way we know how. Sadly, there are times when we allow the
stress to overwhelm us and express it in unhealthy ways. Do not worry no gets
hurt or anything but voices are raised, and groundings are issued and there is
a deep fog of tension in the house for awhile and the adults give themselves their
own time out.
As a foster and adoptive parent I have dealt with a wide variety of kid issues. Yet one of the most challenging and stressful things I ever deal with is determining when I and my co-parent cannot do anymore for our daughter at home. We know she is deteriorating fast and have exhausted all of our local supports and the mental health providers are at a loss as to what to do next. So we are forced to look outside or our home and community. We have had to have our daughter hospitalized on several occasions over the years. It is heartbreaking to watch her suffer to the point she needs to be hospitalized. It is stressful trying to find a hospital that will accept her as a patient when she is at that level of distress. The process of finding a mental health inpatient facility is like a lottery system. When they say they will admit her you have to run, don't stop, don't pass go. Just get there ASAP or another patient in need could get that bed. Then the process of admissions is stressful as we have had to learn how to answer the admissions questions in such a way (while still telling the truth) that increase her odds of acceptance for admission. Sadly mental health facility admissions is a game. The act of surrender and leaving her in the care of others is stressful and in some ways a huge sigh of relief. We question ourselves. Is this right place for her? Did we really do all we could before coming here? Will she contact as while she is there? One hospital was four hours away from home and we were not in a position we could go visit during her stay. We prefer she not be so far away from us but we can't be too choosy when she is in distress.
We have read the articles and watched the
videos of how to manage stress. Everyone has to figure out the best way then can
manage their stress. The key is to manage the stress and not let it overwhelm
you. Which is not always easy when raising a teenager with a mental illness.
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