Don’t Help Me – Please Help Me – Ok You Can Stop Now!

Do you remember holding your child in your arms for the very first time? Do you remember the feelings that overwhelmed you in that moment? The strong sense that you would do whatever you could to help this child to grow, develop, bloom and be successful in life. You did not just become a parent in that moment; you became a teacher, motivator, disciplinarian, mentor, playmate, maid, and everything else that they would need during their lives. You have committed yourself to be there for you child in whatever possible. Of course, one of the goals is to raise our children to be independent and successful even without our being there to pick them up with each fall. But how many times do we stand there and cringe and even start to reach out to steady your child when you see a pending obstacle, yet you pull back to help them encounter the obstacle in their own way. No matter what your child’s age may be, do you ever stop wanting to help? Do you find yourself not wanting to put your hand in front of them as you step on the brake suddenly while driving down the street? The need to be there to protect and help our children is inherent from the day of their birth to the day of their death, or sadly their child’s death as occurs in some cases. Not trying to be morbid, but over the past few days I have become very aware of this position.

One of my greatest blessings comes in the forms of my mom and dad! Curt and Brenda Ballard are some amazing folks! And yes, they drive me absolutely crazy at times. And to be fair I return the favor. Being an only child is not something I do not take lightly and thus our lives are very intertwined. Clearly there are days where I want to cut the vines that bind us together and again I know they have felt the same way at times. It would be easy to be resentful of the fact that my being an only child is probably an unfair burden for me and for them as well. Not having a sibling means that my closest allies in life are my parents. For them they don’t have favorites so they are stuck with me as their only option.

This past week I have come to realize that while I am very concerned about my parents and their aging process that they too are concerned about my own aging process. I just turned 48 and am divorced with five amazing and challenging children. In addition, dealing with my medical and physical realities and unable to work while now facing a new chapter of medical drama that none of us are looking forward to. One of the things my parents did well, was to raise a very independent man! They never treated me different due to my physical and medical challenges and always encouraged me to do my best with what I had to work with in any given situation. Ok so maybe I was a little spoiled and to a degree still am, part of the only child syndrome! Yet there are some who are quick to point out that I may have taken my independence a little too far at times by tending to choose to travel the roads less traveled. Others might say that I am fooling myself and have become an entitled tyrant who does not like not getting his way. But who does not like getting their own way?

As my parents were here these past few days to help me with Spring Break and the kiddos as we awaited the verdict of my current medical drama to unfold, we clearly encountered our share of power struggles. They wanted to help me because I was feeling so bad, and yet my strong independent streak roared its ugly head. Yes, I can be a butthead sometimes and they know it and still love me. Yet they are aware that they are stuck in their ways and a bit stubborn themselves and I still love them. This unique combination is a special treat (noted sarcastically) for us when we are all together and stressed!

A challenge I faced was dealing with physical chronic pain and general blek feeling and wanting to do nothing, but also wanting to do what I could. I was not good at communicating what I wanted to do. There were moments when mom or dad was jerking their figurative hand out in front of me to prevent a potential obstacle disaster. Sometimes I was appreciative, other times not so much. For those times, I apologize, and I truly understand the unique position they find themselves in. I am so appreciative and blessed to have parents who have always supported me in good and bad times. When I made decisions, they didn’t agree with and then didn’t take satisfaction by saying “I told you so!” As there were clearly times they could have and even then, helped me develop a plan to clean up a Brock Mess. They have learned over time when to step back and let me do my thing and I know it has not been easy.

They are most incapable of holding back when I am sick or not well or my health is in jeopardy. There is something that triggers everything in them when it comes to my physical well-being. It probably stems from losing a child thirty seven years ago, and being afraid of going through that again. No I am not dying but when you are dealing with matters of the heart it is hard to not consider all potential outcomes. They were told after my older brother was born that they should not have more kids, but chose to do so anyway. Even when I was born I fought and struggled for 3 months before they could bring me home. They watched me struggle with hearing issues, bone and joint issues, genetic testing and other variables over the years. They feel for me with each added chapter of my medical history. Their internal desire to protect me is overwhelming and never goes away. May I continue to be more aware of their desire to protect me and help me along the way.

I totally get it. I have shared many of the travails and obstacles my kids have faced in their lives. While most not of their own doing and some of their own volition and I am always struggling with when do I reach out my hand or redirect them from encountering an obstacle. Every day I find myself trying to solve a problem for one of my kids to make their life a little smoother. Depending on how unwise they are being motivates me as to how much I want to help them (think teenagers). So yes, parents struggle with where the line lies as to when and when not to intervene. Clearly as I have seen in recent days this struggle is lifelong! The joys of parenthood are forever and amen!

All this to say a huge SHOUT OUT to my parents…. truly the best and most amazing parents around! I know they did a little happy dance in the car as they pulled away from my house this morning…. I am glad they didn’t see me behind the closed front door after they left. We obviously have more journeys ahead as we move into the days and years ahead. Let us all be more aware and thankful for our blessings. If you still have your parents please call them, go by and give them a hug or let them know you are blessed by them being in your life! 

All about the Heart of the Matter...

WARNING: This blog contains information you may or may not want to read or know, but it all comes from my heart! Not graphic or inappropriate - just honest! So do with it what you will!

How many songs have we heard throughout our lives that talk about the heart! “The heart is not so smart” or “Achy Breaky Heart” or “Open the Eyes of my Heart” and the list goes on. What is it about the heart that has everyone’s attention. This has been a week of heart matters for me both literally and figuratively.

It all started Sunday evening when I went to the see the movie. “The Shack” and my heart was rocked at all the emotions that the film caused within my heart. Seeing how God became flesh in this allegorical film for a man whose family was rocked by the abduction and murder of their child. So many beautiful pictures were shown on the screen before me as I watched the Father, Son and Holy Spirit displayed in such a way to immense matters of the heart. Matters such as love, forgiveness, self-image, personal value, redemption and grace were all addressed and left me marveling at who God truly is for me and how He has lead me through life. I know some of you have issues with some of the theological ideas presented in the film and I have my own thoughts I will share on the subject in a future blog.

Then on Monday I was home alone resting after a long wonderful weekend spent with my kids and finally watched the final installment of ABC’s, “When We Rise.” For those of you who don’t know, “When We Rise” was a 4 night (8-hour bio docudrama) of the Gay community from the late 1960’s until present day. Being a gay man I can honestly say I was vastly ignorant on some of the issues presented in this program! I have known some of the basics of the Gay community and how it evolved over the years, but never truly followed it in such a linear flow. As the visual story came to a halt in 2016 I was overwhelmed with a sense of blessing for those who fought this battle. As a teen and young adult, I remember sneaking around the libraries (pre-internet) looking for any information I could find about being homosexual or gay. I still recall sitting in the back of the stacks in one library reading through a series of books on sexuality to determine if I was diseased or cursed or whatever “it” was I did to cause this to happen to me. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Sadly, there was not much encouragement for a young man searching for answers in 1989! Rather it was all gloom and doom and shame! I allowed the shame that was born in my young life to control my life for far too long. As a result of that shame many people were hurt along the way in my journey to find peace.

The docudrama created a shift in my heart as I followed the stories of people who had spent decades fighting for what they believed and then seeing their dreams become reality. The sense of victory that they experienced both individually and corporately was inspiring and left me wondering, how did I miss all this? I know many of you have very different opinions than I about issues of sexuality and etc. I want to first of all say, I respect each and everyone one of your perspectives and views. I just ask that you do the same for me. If there is one thing I have learned about my heart over the years is this, I don’t like confrontation and if you come at me in a confrontational manner I will shut down. Yet as I get older I am finding that I am not as hesitant to confront as I used to be. The reason being is that I allowed my own personal shame to shut me down. Now that I am no longer controlled by shame the need to hide from confrontation is not as necessary.

Shame is a powerful force in our lives and a lot of what I have personally experienced in the church has resulted in shame and self-doubt and even self-loathing. Those patterns of thinking became entrenched within my being as I journeyed through the various phases of my life: being scared as a teen that I had done something to create my attraction to guys that would no doubt send me to hell not to mention infect me with AIDS and die; to my young adulthood when the only door on my closet was a revolving door wrought with secrets and bad choices; to my early 30’s with my first partner; to my mid 30’s in the antigay movement and the anti-gay Christian conversion therapy; and into my 40’s and marriage to my former wife and on to the point where I am now looking down the nose of 50 and single and by the way gay and ok with no shame. The absence of shame equals peace and understanding of what is in my heart and whom He created me to be.

My heart is defined by the truth of who I am! I am many things: believer, man, father, son, cousin, friend, partner, writer, dog lover, junk picker and a bunch of other things to boot. Not one of these components totally defines who I am. Do I place more value on some of these than others, oh yeah! I have always been and always will consider myself first and foremost a believer – a Child of God! This was the number one principal I learned when going through the anti-gay conversion therapy in my mid-30’s.  Though it may not have been their intention when they taught me this principal, but truly the idea of accepting my identity as a Child of God was brilliant in that it showed me no matter what I am His child. This is the single thing I am grateful for during my two years within the conversion therapy movement. Even though I was temporarily convinced that I could pray away the gay, I learned, believed and still believe that above all else I am a Child of God. None of these other aspects of my heart and being changes that fact.

Tuesday brought my weekly visit with my 3 youngest kids. According to the latest revision of the parenting plan approved by the all might wise Cole County Court, my youngest three kids spend every Tuesday night and every other weekend at my house. Not enough time in my book, but sadly that is something that was and is still soooo out of my control. I truly believe that will change in time but for now it is what it is. Every Tuesday is a booster shot for my heart as I spend time with my kids as I cherish each moment we share together. I have blogged about my kids in the past and each of them bring their own challenges with them when they come to my house. My heart soared Tuesday evening as I watched AJ (the five-year-old) participate in soccer practice. This whole team sport thing is a new concept for him and he is at that age where it seems like he changes and develops a little more each day. How fun is that? To watch this little dude just do his thing and do better than I ever expected in that environment. I love being a dad and it holds a good chunk of my heart.

Moving on to Wednesday of this week, I had the privilege to spend the day with my mom and two of my cousins just being together eating, pickin’ and hanging out touched my heart more than I thought it would. They took time out of there busy lives and drove 2 ½ hours to see me! It was a time of fun and reminiscing and laughter and more. I moved to Jefferson City 11 years ago, and I admit I struggle with the fact I am still here all these years later, but I am here for my kids and am not going anywhere. Yet being in Jefferson City has separated me from my family and close friends. I miss the relationships I had when I lived in Springfield and St. Louis. I grew up surrounded by family and friends and I was blessed. It has taken me nearly a decade to finally feel like I am home and have some good friends here. Could I use a few more people in my corner here in Jefferson City, of course, but maybe another decade and I will pick up a few more. People who know ME and know my heart. Who knew that my moving to Central Missouri would be a necessary part of my journey on many levels. My heart was touched and blessed by the visit of my cousins and mom and I can’t wait until we do it again. All other cousins welcome to join us next time!

Today is Thursday and I started my day off at the Cardiologist office trying to determine the cause of my recent episodes of chest pain. They did an EKG and nothing major was indicated. I was put on another medication (which I have to wait until tomorrow to pick up since none of the 4 pharmacies I went to had it in stock – more joy of small town living). I have been scheduled for another stress test at 8 am Monday to determine what is going on. Most of you know I have been struggling with heart issues for almost 6 years and frankly I am tired of it. Cardiac catheter, stents, by pass, widow maker arteries, high blood pressure, cholesterol levels, among others are all too common terms in my vocabulary these days. No fun, not working.

I spent this evening eating dinner with my best friend and partner in life. We laughed and talked and just shared the ups and downs of our day. The relationship we have, while far from perfect it is truly full of heart for one another! While the odd couple we might be, we spend a lot of our time looking out for and taking into account each other’s needs as we truly desire only the best for one another. He knows my heart and knows what will break it and what will heal it. We have dreams for life and what a joy it is to support one another with our individual and joint goals in life. My heart is truly full.

All this to say that it truly is a matter of the heart! Who made my heart? Who knows my heart? As I was leaving the doctor today trying not to get bummed out about the unknown potentials of the days ahead something came to my mind, a line from an old song I learned as a kid, “…. cause you gave me a HEART and you gave me a smile, You gave me Jesus and made me your Child, I just thank you Father for making me, ME!”

Really I do! Sing a long with me....click below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imO2NiKo_AQ&list=RDimO2NiKo_AQ#t=84