A Sense of Loss of How Things Could Have Been

Yesterday I introduced the daily frustration and confusion my coparent and I encounter with raising and supporting our teen age daughter who is plagued by mental illness. The second of the common experiences and feelings we experience is that of a sense of loss of how things could have been for our daughter. The loss of a typical teenage girl experience is sad to me. She misses out on activities at school, normal peer relationships, dating, college planning, having her own cell phone or being able to drive. Our daughter will most likely never have any of these things I just listed and miss out on so much more. Due to her inability to deal with truth and reality she does not have capacity to take on typical teen responsibilities and opportunities. The grief associated with these losses for us as her parents is overwhelming.

 

We tend to think of grief as associated with the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship or to something we no longer have. When it comes to our daughter, we grieve the dreams we had for our beautiful brown eyed girl. While most parents look forward to the milestones of the teen age years and guiding them through the process to adulthood, we do not have that luxury. Instead, we spend these years keeping her as mentally stable as possible without drawing to much attention to herself. We monitor her medications daily and coordinate with mental health professionals whenever we start to see things shifting again. The medication changes are frequent and with those changes come new side effects or worsening of existing side effects.

 

My grief is frequently reawakened when in one of her rare moments of clarity she sees the difference between her and peers and how sees the unfairness of it all. Those days when she can see clearly reality of her illness and how it stops her from experiencing typical teenage experiences. To hear her cry and see her tears is heartbreaking when we must tell her she will not be able to drive or that she will not go to college. In those moments I feel like I am crushing her dreams, which are real no matter how unrealistic. There is a blessed grace in that she frequently forgets those conversations and does not hold those things against us as her parents. Yet there are days when all those moments come rushing back at her and she lashes out at us for taking all these things away from her or keeping her from things all the kids at school get to do. Honestly, who else is she going to blame other than us as her parents. She cannot blame herself as none of this is her fault anymore than it is ours. Yet the reality is that we become the target of her frustration, sadness and anger and some days it is very hard to take. On those days the grief seems unbearable as her parent.

 

How does the saying go, “time heals all wounds.” I am not so sure in this situation that truly applies when it comes to the grief we deal with surrounding the rest of our daughter’s life. Can she get married one day? Maybe but not likely. Will she have kids one day? Maybe but not likely nor can I see that being a good idea for her or a child of hers. Will she become a fashionista that influences trends around the world. Maybe but not likely.

 

These are all things that are hard for me to say as I have worked professionally with people with disabilities my entire adult life. We were trained from day one to be strength based and coach these individuals to pursue their dreams whatever they may be. To always accentuate the positive and not focus on the negatives. To not look at roadblocks as stopping points, but as opportunities to create a different path and to think outside the box. I have to tell you as the parents of someone with mental illness and developmental delays it is real easy for me to say, “that is not a realistic approach to what lies ahead for my daughter.” Somedays it feels like pursuing that line of thinking is setting up my daughter for more heartbreak and grief.

My number one job as a parent is to protect my child from such things as setting up unrealistic goals and pursuing dreams that this world cannot make happen for someone like my daughter.  Which only adds to the grief we deal with daily.

 

We already grieve the likelihood that we will not have a chance to take her shopping for her wedding gown, not have that father-daughter dance at the reception, will not be able to cheer her on at her college graduation, not be able to beam with pride as she accepts awards for her business and fashion abilities. I have learned grief is not a time limited experience as it ebbs and flows as we watch our daughter move forward in her life with the plague she has been given.

 

During all the grief, let me reassure you that my daughter is an amazing young woman with beautiful brown eyes, a lovely smile, a creative imagination, an amazing artist with pencil and paper, with a yearning for knowing and understanding the whys of her life and a sensitive spirit. She is funny, never meets a stranger and at times insightful and a curious learner who can ask good questions. She is 17 years old and has the heart and development of a 7- or 8-year-old which at times is refreshing. She is a black and white thinker and does not understand shades of grey and does not think in linear concepts. Most people see a typical seventeen-year-old quirky teenager with a sweet smile from a distance. She has all these amazing qualities and gifts and yet we grieve for what probably will not be for her.

Confusion and Frustration

 

As many of you know I, along with my co-parent, are raising a teenager with a significant mental illness who also has intellectual delays. This child, actually young adult, is now 17 and as we watch her move closer and closer to so called “adulthood” a lot of fear and uncertainty rings in our hearts and minds. 

The last few days and even weeks we have watched her sink into another one of her downward spirals with her illness. I frequently search the internet for articles and resources for parents of kiddos such as our daughter. Sadly, the resources are limited and even more so for those of us who live in smaller communities. One of the articles I found listed a common list of feelings and experiences that parents encounter as they raise their young adult impacted by mental illness. Over the next few days, I will be sharing that list with my family and friends and anyone who is interested. It is my desire to raise awareness of what we experience daily with our daughter. The need for more effective and widely available services for children and teens with mental illness is overwhelming and sadly ignored by the medical and psychological communities.

The first feeling/experience the article noted was that of

“Confusion and frustration from watching your teen struggle.”

It is no secret that raising a teenager is challenging in today’s world. The fears of drugs, alcohol, bullying, peer pressure, future planning, grades and so many other factors are overwhelming in and of themselves. Yet when you add mental illness to those issues it becomes almost crippling and paralyzing for a parent. One of the conflicts we consistently manage is whether or not we are dealing with a mental illness issue or a typical teenage issue. Let us be real, teenagers are not known for acting sane at times. Some of the behaviors we see are hormones raging and affect behaviors. Yet there are times when we must believe that the extreme behaviors originate from her mental illness. These fine lines are confusing as a parent to navigate and process. Depending on which of these realms a specific behavior originates determines how we respond. If the wrong response is given to her we will know. Thus, comes the confusion!

The most consistent issue we have been dealing with recently is that of paranoia. Whether or not someone is watching or following her. Then there are the times when she is convinced someone has installed a secret camera in her life somehow that follows her wherever she goes. The other day she emphatically knew someone hacked into the school computer system and changed her grades. One of the most predominant paranoid issues we hear almost daily is that the government is lying to her and lying to us about her origins and where she comes from. In her thinking she is convinced that she must be an alien as there is something wrong with her and no one really knows what. So there for her logical conclusion is that of alien origins. As a parent somedays it is easy for me to chuckle and walk away. Other days it becomes maddening as she is so fervent in her belief that she becomes belligerent which can trigger my own frustrations. I admit there have been days where I have had to stop and wonder what she is saying may be true or not. When I sit and listen to her begging me to believe her and agree with her outlandish claims it is almost believable. I am being honest with you in saying that her situation does indeed create confusion for us as her parents.

How do we cope with the confusion and frustration of being her parents? It is not easy! We hope and pray and we share our feelings back to her in hopes a part of her can understand that we want to believe her, but most of her beliefs are not founded in truth. We keep pointing her back to truth and what is real. Yet once she gets fixated on a specific paranoid thought and behavior it is difficult to get her to let it go. She may let it go or stop talking about it, but an hour or two or even a day or two later she picks it back up and comes to us with that paranoid belief once again. It is on those days when she comes back time and time again that our own frustrations rise. We find ourselves repeating ourselves and then she feels like we are not hearing her. Which increases her frustration and emotions. It is truly a difficult cycle to live in and causes stress for all who live in the home with her.

There are no good answers to our stress and frustration other than having our own outlets for dealing with those things. It also helps of we have time between paranoid episodes to decompress, yet there are days where she bounces from one paranoid thought to another and we do not have enough time to decompress. If this thought feels unfinished, well it is unfinished as the frustration and confusion never truly goes away.

366 Days

It was 366 days ago that the world as I knew it changed in a way I had never expected. It was May 20, 2019 the day of The Great Burning which greatly effected the Ballard/Wilson family. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect when I woke up that day we would be homeless by bedtime. Yes it was the fire that over took our house from basement to main level. The journey we have traveled on since is not a journey for the faint at heart. I thought hard about writing yesterday about this momentous event, but I decided I couldn't do it yesterday. I needed one more day to just be with it. Funny thing not a single one of the Ballard Wilson clan he spoke of it to one another. It was more like a day of remembrance rather than a day to remember.

So today I will take a moment and remember! But rather than recall the events of that day I will talk about some things I have learned in the past year

1) Never take anything for granted! I woke up that day expecting it to be any other day. It was the last Monday of the school year as the kids were wrapping things up for the school year and preparing for summer fun. It was a pretty normal Monday evening when the fire broke out as I was making dinner when it was discovered. I had mac and cheese on the stove and I have no recollection of turning the stove off before evacuating but I did. All the kids and the dog happened to be within 10 feet of me when I discovered the fire and we were able to evacuate the house within 30 seconds. The cat was even there but she ran during the evacuation to the back of the house and she did not survive the smoke. That is our greatest regret of the fire! I don't take those things for granted anymore. Mac and cheese and knowing where my kids were and for the fact it was not raining while we watched the fire department save what they could of our house!

2) Give thanks for what you do have! I remember that day and I realized about 9:30 that evening once we got the kids settled at Grandma's house that I had no clothes to speak of except what was on my back. I was wearing only a pair of short, t shirt, under clothes and flip flops. Had the fire happened in the night I would likely have been a lot less clothed. So I am thankful for that as are all the neighbors and first responders. LOL  Amazingly the kids and Julie all had clothing at Grandma Louise's as she was helping Julie get caught up with laundry that week. Turns out only Courtney and I were the only one's left with whole new wardrobes to obtain. I give thanks for that - as it has been fun buying all new clothes over the past year!

3) Timing is everything and I do not believe there are any accidents. It is after these cataclysmic events and the dust settles a bit that you start to ponder the "what ifs", What if it would have happened later at night and we had all been asleep? What if one of the kids had been downstairs when the fire broke out, could I have gotten them out safely? What if we had lost the entire structure of the home not just the inside? What if? What if? What if? While I do not believe God caused the fire to happen, I do believe He managed the timing of various events and circumstances after the fire. Such as the arrival of the Red Cross workers. Such as forcing us to go to a hotel on the extreme other side of town only to have a tornado come through town two days after the fire that did major damage to the hotel we really wanted to stay. God protected us from living through another major event in the same week. I am confident that God protected us from that.

4) Home really is where the heart is! Yes our home was destroyed Yes we were displaced but we were never without home. This is a message we kept reinforcing to the kids! As long as we are together and alive and well we are home! Between two hotels and a rental apartment and a rental house we manage to maintain HOME! The kids kept wanting to go home because the missed the creature comforts such as more than one bathroom, having their own rooms, and etc. We used this time to remind them what is really important. Love, family and faith.

5) Pride is not a pretty look. We were overwhelmed by scores of people offering their help and assistance in anyway. For the first several weeks we received help and assistance in numerous ways from numerous people We were amazed at those who reached out a hand to help and disappointed in those who did not. Just being honest. There were people in our lives who chose not to help and that is fine, as we all have our own battles. We learned that when you ask for help you have to be specific and we learned that when you are specific you may not get the help you truly seek. Yet through it all we never turned down the help we were offered even if it did not always make sense. We had to learn to accept things even when we didn't think we needed them! Turns out we needed and used it all! There was one friend who used the opportunity to teach her kids about giving and they made special arts and crafts boxes for each of the 3 youngest kids including snacks. The kids thought those were amazing and a year later still remember. Thanks Emily!

4) Hope for the best and plan for the worst. We were of course very eager through the clean up and restoration process for the professionals to get in there and get it done. Unfortunately as a result of the famous Jefferson City tornado two days after the fire that really put the restoration resources of our community into overdrive. Given all the devastation that had happened in our community we could not yell and stomp our feet for professional helping others in need, though I admit there were times I wanted to. As a result that meant various components of the clean out and renovation were delayed for what seemed like forever. It took over 3 months for our house to be cleaned out and prepped for the renovation. Needless to say our hopes were dashed time and time again for this phase or that phase to completed. By the time it was all said and done (nearly 9 months) we stopped expecting things to be done when they were supposed to done. As a result I now hope for the best and plan for the worst. Then we occasionally get surprised.

5) Stuff is just stuff! There were very few things that could not be replaced as a result of the fire. It was a hard lesson for the kids to learn and maybe even the adults a bit as well. Yet quickly we all realized stuff is stuff. The only things we couldn't replace was Lovey, the kid's cat. Toys, books stuffies, furniture, clothing, mementos and etc are just things. Items we cannot take with us when we leave this life. Our youngest daughter probably had the hardest time accepting the fact that her large stuffy collection (more than 100) could not be saved. We attempted to save several but the smoke damage was too severe and could not be remedied. Let me assure you she is well on her way to replacing that collection once again, thanks to her grandparents. We also realized during the inventory process that we had too much JUNK anyway. Every pin, paperclip, hangar, bar of soap, roll of toilet paper and every other minute item big and small was cataloged and inventoried. The items that were melted and destroyed we had to estimate brand, value and quantity. If I ever have a fire again (GOD FORBID) I am gonna let it all burn to the ground so I don't have to go through the inventory process again. Between all of there were over 200 pages of itemized items that were lost in the fire. Sad thing is that we are pretty sure many things were missed at that.

Now that we all are safe and sound in our newly renovated home life is good! We moved back in to the house late February and early March. Settling in and getting all the new furniture and decor in place has been fun. Letting the kids be a part of decorating their rooms has been fun and seeing their individual personalities shine through. AJ has a super hero room. Alexis has a nature room. Lyric has a pink Hollywood Regency inspired room. I have simplified my design style as well. Much less crap and simpler wall decor and a commitment to staying away from flea markets, vintage stores and Home Goods!

So all in all the past 366 days have been eventful, long, life altering and a return to the simpler things in life. Thanks for to COVID 19 those lessons have been reinforced at the end of this 366 days. We will wait with grateful hearts as we move forward into the next 366 days of life. Let's hope we experience life ahead with a few less cataclysmic events! Please Lord!

58 Days later....8 weeks and 1 day

The Great Burning of 2019 - it has become a saga, a story for the ages, that surely my children will share with their grandchildren. (Did anyone else just hear my father's voice say, "A little bit on the dramatic side there don't you think son?") The old saying goes the days drag on but the years fly by. Ok maybe not exactly like that but close enough and you know what I am trying to say, 

The inventory of the house is complete. Demolition and clean out of the house is going well. They have nearly the entire main level cleared out. They are projecting to be done with that phase by the end of next week, of course they said that last week about this week. Sigh....My main goal is to just see the rebuild start and take shape so our hope and energy and excitement can be focused on going back home. Brand new home that is clean and bright and fun to live in again. 

I have received my settlement letter from the insurance company regarding all my contents last night. I finally had time today to sit down and review the 112 (yes one hundred twelve) page document. I had to print it out, I cant read a document like that on a computer. I read and retain better if it is physically in my hand. Plus I can make notes as I read. Does anyone else feel this way, I am sure the millennials wouldn't agree! 

I was rather surprised at some things I discovered while reviewing the insurance document that included the itemization of all my belongings. You may or may not know that after the insurance had the inventory company list all the items out in a spread sheet, I then had to go through and assign dollar value and age of each line item. There 1,253 line items that I had to address, Some of these line items held multiples of one item (i.e. shirts, underwear, socks, bowls, pencils, etc.). After I submitted my list back to them then they did their number magic voodoo to the spreadsheet and voila a final settlement amount is determined. 

I am not going to deal with actual numbers but in percentages. My items depreciated to 40% of the amount I valued them to be. They reduced value of my items by 60%....what in the world!!!! I am grateful I had insurance. I am blessed that I have what I have. My insurance company has been phenomenal to work throughout the entire process, but WOWSA! Do I just buy crap and don't realize it?

So consider this:

1) For every pair of underwear you own they will only give you 25% of what you paid for it, Now mind you these were streak free drawers people. Nice and clean! 

2) For all those bottles of lotions and products that stack up in our bathrooms to address our vanity (er I mean vitality), ya they will only give ya 20% of their value. So is your vanity worth an 80% loss, If you didn't worry about your looks you could save a lot of money but lets keep the toothpaste and deodorants. 

3) For those parents out there you will love this one. All those toys that you have spent hundreds and thousands of dollars on over the years guess what they give ya for them? Say it out loud tell me what you think? (waiting for an anwer) NOPE you are wrong they will only give you 20% of a toy's value and that includes all those stupid stuffed animals that seem to multiply. If you know my daughter you know the problems I have with stuffed animals. The moral of this story is that next Christmas when you go to buy MORE toys THEY DO NOT NEED to put under the tree that the minute you walk out of the store those toys are now worth 20% of that hole in your wallet. It can still be in the box and in the shrink wrap and tied in to the box by all those stupid plastic twist ties and if it burns up you will only get 20% of the money you just spent back. Don't even take into account the number of hours those toys are ACTUALLY played with after New Years Day. 

One of the blessings/tragedies of The Burning is that over 100 stuffed animals succombed to smoke inhalation, we were able to rescue a few, most of them were buried with civilized honors at the city dump! This is a warning for all people everywhere - NO ONE GIVE MY CHILDREN A STUFFY OR ELSE! 

4) I will say this, the kids eletronics and video games and etc. fared a little better with more return on our investment at only 50% depreciation. Since we know where the kids spend the majority of their time it is nice to know it is money well spent. On a side note electronics have not been officially replaced yet and it is really ok with me. So we will see what happens....they have not missed them that much! 

5) For your mattresses and box springs and bed pillows it is minimal depreciation of just 20%. Which I found amazing. Just remember a good nights sleep is better not only for your health but for your wallet. So go ahead and spend a little more on that new mattress. I will say when I went shopping for a new mattress a few weeks ago I was flabbergasted at the actual costs and all the options and varieties there are to choose from. 

On a related note you only get 25% back on all your sheets, blankets, pillow cases, bathroom towels and etc. This includes those cute little fluffy and furry blankets you buy at Home Goods or Target. Only 25% off, so when you have a fire, grab the furry blanket on the way out! 

Oh and for those of you who are lovers of all those cute decorator pillows for the bed and the couches and the chairs and out on the patio...STOP IT! Not worth your money, after the fire you will only get 20% back. Why do you think Pier One has so many walls and shelves of pillows, because they are so cheap to make and yet they sell them for outrageous prices that you will never get back. Come on, we can't even sell them at next summer's garage sale for everyone is afraid of bedbugs! NO I DON"T HAVE BEDBUGS! 

6) Next comes my favorite topic the WARDROBE - if you know me at all you know historically I have been a clothes horse and I rarely ever got rid of clothes. Well that has changed in recent years as I was able to prune my entire fashion ensemble into one closet. It was so freeing. And since I lost every piece of clothing  from that one closet in the fire I get to start over again! Woo Hoo.... but there is always a BUT! I only got 25% back on my wardrobe...it was very dissatisfying. They have no idea how many hours, days, weeks and months I spent curating my wardrobe to the colossal fabulousness it had become. To top it off you only get 20%  back on all your shoes! It is a tragedy to say the least. I will say the percentage was a little more for higher brand name pieces from like Nike, Tommy, Bass, Disney and the like if the tags were easily identified when inventoried. That should make you feel a little better the next time you hit the outlet mall. 

I share all these thoughts with you to say this. If you don't have insurance on the contents of the home you own or rent - please get it right away. I can't imagine not having anything to fall back on after the fire. We have been so blessed as a result of it. 

When you do get insurance, determine an amount of coverage you think would work for you. Maybe it is 50k or a 100k or whatever number you came up with and then DOUBLE IT! That was my mistake I didn't double it. I would have gotten a bigger settlement had I had more coverage. Do not undervalue your possessions. What they failed to tell me was that the salvage costs, cleaning costs and other ancillary costs come out of your contents total and that total came up to about $7,000. At least mine did. Read your policies carefully and know what is going on. They don't exactly explain all that in the beginning of the process or if they did, I was still too much shock to hear them. 

On a final note, if you house ever catches on fire (and I pray it does not) let it burn to the ground. Do not call the fire department until you know that baby is just going to be all ashes. I truly believe our recovery process would have gone much quicker and faster and there is likely no actual inventory you have to sort through painfully for 112 pages multiple times. Remember it is just stuff. You don't need it. Can't take it with you. So for those of my readers whom I know will read this I will say to Brenda, Sandy, Tausha and Sonia... LET IT GO! Purge now and free yourselves! 

Until next time peeps! 

Saturday Sun....

Waking up early on this day, a cloudy dreary Saturday morning I was instantly scrambling for things to do with my kids today in the event the rain lasted all day. As many of my FB followers have taken note of our weekend days are usually spent at one of our local pools during the summer months. The weather cleared up a bit and I finally called the pool about 11:45 am and they confirmed they were open for business come 12 noon.

The kids went into high gear and were swim ready in about 8 minutes. This is one of the few things that gets my kids motivated, going to the pool. Any pool at any time on any day of the year. They are clearly water babies and I love seeing them in the water. The pool had been open about 15 minutes by the time we got there and we were the first ones there. There were 7 life guards at their posts around the pool just for my kids and I. Talking about feeling safe. The sun was starting to shine and the clouds were moving out of the area as the kids jumped into the cold water. Within a matter of moments they were sliding, swimming, and diving through the clear water.

I take no greater joy than enjoying my children in their element and clearly the element of water is one that resonates deeply with my kids. The energy of the water and the warmth of the sun and winds of the air make for a perfect day in the pool. It is amazing to me how they can talk to any body and just strike up a conversation with whoever they encounter. I always here I made a new friend today dad. Then I ask that question I always ask...."What is their name!" They always look at me like I have 3 heads like who cares we played and had fun and we became friends and then they answer me and say, "I don't remember!" Which is their way of saying it never came up. Their concept of friendship is a beautiful thing. The name doesn't matter but the shared experience is what makes a friend. Maybe if we adults were more concerned about the shared experience rather than the other person's name age and occupation we would have more friends! Something for my mind to ponder on further.

They clearly enjoy the concession stand almost as much as the water itself. One had two pretzels, ice cream sandwich, a small drink and a pack of apples and caramel and a bag of skittles. Another had nachos (no cheese), ice cream cone and apples and caramel and small drink (which I drank) and a bag of M&Ms. The other child said she wasn't hungry and only had a drink and a bosco stick! Every week we go through the litany of menu options available like they do not know it by heart by now, Lord knows I do! Needless to say some 22 dollars later and they were still hungry. Geesh they are bottomless pits especially when at the pool.

Looking at my kids in their natural environment around the water and their true love of life comes forth. Truly the joy they emanate is like the effervescent bubbles from your favorite carbonated drink. Almost intoxicating. That emotion they bring only makes them more beautiful and handsome than they already are! Who says being happy doesn't make you look better!

After 4 and a half hours at the pool we are walking out feeling alive and sun-kissed they want to know if we are coming back tomorrow! I tell them it is still the weekend isn't it! Then I get the, "I love you dad" and "You are the best" comments that make my heart sing. I will take those moments they love me and aren't afraid to show it because I am sure within an hour someone will hate me for something else.

Life finally felt normal today, 26 days since The Burning, and it almost felt normal. It was a good day!

21 Days Later - The Burning

So here we are 3 weeks later....

Now that the madness has subsided some I think the reality of the fire has truly set in for us all. I am now situated in an apartment with Courtney, my oldest. While AJ, Lyric and Alexis are all living with Julie in a house a couple of miles away. It has been nearly 2 years now since we all started living under one roof again. This unique family arrangement is once again being tested. While I worry about the kids the most, it creates unique challenges for us parents. Now when I have my assigned time with the kids I have to stay in the house with them and Julie vacates during that time. During the week I stay until bedtime and get them all settled and then I return to my apartment and Julie manages the overnights and mornings. Then in the morning Julie drops at least on, two or three of them off at my apartment for me to deliver them to their daily activities. Obviously this is less than ideal arrangement, but I have come to realized many two household families have schedules and routines that are similar and less than convenient. Maybe we are not so unique after all.

The emotional toll it has taken on us all finally started becoming more evident. Our emotions are frayed and we tend to be short tempered with each other, parent and kids alike. I can honestly say that I don't think the fire ever completely totally leaves my mind. It is always floating around somewhere in the background, especially as we continue to manage details of the clean out and clean up on a nearly daily basis. I get annoyed anytime some issue or detail stops or delays progress on the house. In my mind, I keep playing with this six month time line and we tell the kids we are hoping to be home by Christmas. Yet at the same time I see the chaos and devastation and think to myself really???? Is it a false expectation to have that hope. Are we going to be disappointed. Will we not be home for Christmas? I know maybe being home for Christmas is not a big deal, but it would definitely add to the feeling and sentiment that Christmas brings.

My youngest son, AJ, age 7 is struggling and experiencing his sadness through a lot of anger. Little things are setting him off and he is just not his normal self. He is broody and sullen and the timing coincides with the fire and the end of school. Two major events that have broken his routine and schedule. Two hotels and one temporary home later and we are hoping the consistency that we are now employing three weeks later will help his sadness and anger ease. I am sad that this has had such a profound impact on him, he is even resisting affection and cuddling from us and that really makes me sad. Good news he is now sleeping his own bed full time which is something we have prayed for several years. Woohoo

Alexis has had nightmares since the first night, but they have finally started to ease as we have gotten more settled.  Lyric seems a bit more argumentative than usual and is having a hard time accepting the fact that she can not have her new room right now. She has this grand design for the room of her dreams involving red, pink, purple and brown! That color scheme has not been approved by management as of yet.

One apartment and one house later and we trying to find our new normal. I just hope we find it before we have to relocate back to the house when it is complete. That we can plan for and prepare, this one left no room for preparation or planning and was totally on the fly and put the parents in a tail spin for a week or two.

I did order a new mattress from Amazon and a bed frame to go with it. The mattress came in today and it was all rolled up. It was crazy and has to lay flat for 24 hours before use. It is crazy, but I have heard nothing but positive reports. Courtney will be sleeping on it for now and we will see what comments he has to offer.

As I have learned 21 days is enough time for a lot to happen! It is a bit surreal but I can still see the huge billows of smoke pouring out of the house that evening! It clearly an image etched into my mind for the rest of my life! Looking forward to some new good memories to be etched into my mind!

16 days later....The Burning

It has been two weeks and two days since The Burning! In many ways it already feels like it was a lifetime ago, In reality never does a day go by when I am not reminded multiple times that it was just 16 days ago. I am experiencing a level of "tired" like I have never known before. My body hurts and aches and I am tired all the time!

During this time we have assessed the damage on several different layers, found new temporary housing, reestablished morning routes and routines for everyone, set up a new parenting schedule, been to the fire house every day for one reason or another and stayed on top of vendors and contract workers who are working in the house. I have also had an 8th grade graduation, a 5th grade promotion, baseballs practices and medical appointments. I have sent my dog away to live with my parents until the house is habitable again. Moving into a small apartment tomorrow and I have never lived in a traditional apartment such as this!

Through it all I am constantly reminded how much worst it could have all been or still be if things had just been the least bit different. No one was hurt or killed, the house was not a total loss, a chance to start anew, getting some bonding time with my kids. Many of you have provided blessings in many different ways and I cannot even to thank you enough for what you did for my family during a difficult time. I have learned some things about myself and about others that I am close to.

I went to the fire house this morning and watched as they carted out all the furnishings that THEY deemed were salvageable. All those pieces of furniture that had all sorts of stuff in them were emptied and the piece then removed from the house. Needless to say the house looks worst now then it did before. Stuff piled everywhere and it is just depressing like a bad episode of Hoarders! Not pretty!

The next step will be for the remaining "Stuff" to be emptied out of the house and tossed and disposed of as they were too damaged from water and smoke. That cannot be done until the inventory people finish the job of itemizing every item we own and then we get to go through each line item and report the age, the costs to purchase and where it was purchased. I am so dreading that part. I honestly don't know where I bought the pair of red and blue socks. I know they have been in the drawer several years and how much I paid for them. How the heck do I know! Sigh...

It is clear that this entry is somewhat of a bummer but it is real! Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing and I responded by saying, "I don't know how I am right now!"

Honestly I really just want to go home! Yet I have made up my mind that 6 months will be worth the wait.