Can you remember...

Since The Burning my mind and emotions have been taxed on many levels....one of the things I have become most aware is knowing what is in my surroundings.

When I yelled that curse word and told the kids to evacuate I only had what was in my hands at the time as I was leaving the house. I dashed into the kitchen and grabbed my phone and keys which just happened to be sitting within reach - which is amazing since I have a tendency to misplace my keys. The basket with the kids daily medicines was also there and I grabbed those but that was it. Grateful that I remembered to snatch those few things, I thought later about all the things I should have snatched!

The next morning it really hit home when Julie went to take Alexis to school. As they were walking out the door and Julie reminded Alexis to get her shoes on and Alexis timidly replies, "Mommy I didn't have any shoes on when we evacuated the house!" Wow how did neither one of us notice that in the midst of all that was going on the night before. So on the way to school at 7:30 am on the way to school the morning after the fire Julie and Alexis went shoe shopping at Walmart.

Now mind you, I was at Walmart before them that morning about 1 am looking for clothes for me to wear. I had absolutely nothing to wear after the fire. Julie and the kids had some laundry at her mom's that they were able to utilize, but alas I had nothing to wear. So I had to go get some basics to get through the next day or two and I was so awake and wired I figured I might as well go to Walmart at 12:30 am. You learn a lot about people when at Walmart at 1 am. I will write about my middle of the night experience at Walmart in a future blog.

Both of the girls happened to have their favorite doll or stuffed animal in their hands when the fire broke out, which is kind of unusual for 5:45 in the evening. So that is something I am grateful for. AJ is not specifically attached to items so he was not overly affected, but he is more attached to his surroundings and routines. Which is a bit difficult to manage in hotel living. More on that in a future blog as well.

Back to the original point of this entry. Do me a favor:

CLOSE YOUR EYES

TAKE A DEEP BREATH

no really do it

THEN WITH OUT OPENING YOUR EYES NAME 10 THINGS THAT ARE IN THE ROOM AROUND YOU.

Can you do it? Was it easier or harder than you thought? Now look around and note the things you missed and consider what would you do if all the things you did not mention in your list of 10 items was gone when you opened your eyes? Do those 10 things make sense to remember now that you don't have it all together with the things you didn't remember. Then with the 10 things that you mentioned how many of those things require electricity? Oh but wait your electricity does not work any more, so how many things of those 10 items are no longer useful. How many items do you have left? One, two or three?

This is the exercise that my family has gone through in the recent days. Learning to live without! It is a humbling and challenging experience. It has been especially useful for my children, who in this culture are so materially driven, and I think we are more on the conservative end of a lot of folks when it comes to what we allow our kids to have and keep and frankly it is still way too much.

Walmart and Walgreens and Target have been clocking our frequent flyer miles as the first few days we were remembering this or that thing was needed. Whether it be an item of clothing, a toiletry item, a pair of finger nail clippers, a blanket for your child to take to school for movie time, a brush to brush their hair, shampoo that does not come out of a little bottle in the hotel. So many little things we take for granted each day in our lives. We had to have some basic swim toys for the pool this past Saturday - you know you cannot go swimming without your goggles! LOL

Many of you know I am a clothes horse! I have always been a clothes hog and like my clothes and enjoy shopping and fashion and etc. What can I say it is who I am. You know the FANTABULOUS BROCK is always styling - or at least I like to tell myself that. Since the divorce I have cut my wardrobe by at least half. I was finally able a couple of weeks ago able to get all my hanging clothes into one smaller than average closet. In the past I would have two or three closets full of stuff. Now all my clothes fit in one drawer of my hotel room. And that is enough clothes for a week! Isn't that enough? Shouldn't it be enough? If someone told you today that you had to fit all your clothes in an average sized suitcase and that was all you were allowed to have for the next year, how would that affect you? Could you do it? Would it be hard or easy?

I am a very organized person, ask my former wife or my boss and they will tell you I am the organization king. That being said it has been easy for me to put my fingers on important papers and documents that I needed to salvage after The Burning. A few months ago, Julie's best friend was able to help Julie do the same thing and she too has been able to find her necessary papers. Do you know where your birth certificates are, your passports, wills, divorce decrees, marriage licenses and etc. If I walked into your home right now and asked for these things could you put your hands on them in 5 minutes or less? Or would you have to think about which pile they might be downstairs by the tv or in your den next to the file cabinet you never use? Maybe the bottom drawer of your night stand by your bed. Oh right, you were gonna get to that? But guess what you never did and now you are up the proverbial creek.

These words are not to scare you but rather challenge you to think ahead and be prepared. I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I that my organization skills would come in handy like they have in the past week.

Finally my sage words of wisdom for today is think about what is necessary. Think about what is needed? Think about what is holding you down? Do you really need everything in the room around you? Do you really need 14 plastic water bottles from various places in your cabinet that half the lids are warped or lost? These are things I think about now. I challenge you to think about the same!!

The Burning

I had not realized how long it has been since I have posted a blog entry until I logged in this morning. I guess life changing events is what challenges me to write and share. Well alas another major life changing event has occurred.

May 20th (just 7 days ago) I awoke to another normal day in the life. Work, school, counting the days until the pool opens and juggling three active kids at home and tracking 2 older kids out there somewhere. So really a regular day. Early that evening I was in the upstairs cooking dinner for the kiddos when I noticed a smell. I just thought something had spilled in the oven or on the stove top and didn't think much about it at first. The smell persisted and I had a thought as I walked over to the basement door and opened it. Poof a huge ball of rolling black smoke immediately enveloped me. I can still vividly see it coming towards me like a locomotive.

According to my kids the first words out of my mouth were. "Oh shit, fire, everyone out!" AJ still yells at me when he retells that story to others and scolds me for cursing. I remind him that there is a time and place for everything. The kids looked at me with a strange look of confusion in their eyes and actually left the house as directed. Alexis was able to grab Duncan our beloved. Scottish Terrier. We all quickly regrouped in the driveway as I called 911. While talking to the emergency operator I glance up and notice AJ at the front door trying to go in as the dark smoke billowed out. I ran and caught him as he crossed the threshold and dragged him back. He was yelling he had to save the family cat, "Lovey." I quickly explained that it is too dangerous to go back in and that the firemen would save him once they got here. I placed the kids and dog in my car still in the driveway and backed the car further away from the house. I called Julie who was at her mother's house just a couple of miles away and told her to get home the house was on fire. About this time I could hear the sirens in the distance as the dark smoke seemed to emanate from every  window,door and crack in the shell of our home. It even seemed to be escaping through the shingles of the roof. Neighbors peaking through their curtains and standing on their porches. One neighbor asked if help had been called. Standing next to the car trying to keep my crying children calm the big red trucks started arriving. First one, then two and three, four and five and an ambulance.  he firemen went into action quickly. They lifted the ladder and unrolled the hoses and connected to a fire hydrant a few houses down. The kids started yelling at the firemen to save their cat but no one could hear them. It took me a couple of moments to get someone's attention to tell them about the cat. I already knew in my heart the cat was probably not going to make it, but kept encouraging the kids to have faith she would be alright. What else was I going to tell them at this point? When the fire erupted the cat ran in fear to one of her many hiding spots further back in the house so I knew I would take a lot time for her to be found. The question being found dead or alive.

It was less than 10 minutes before Julie arrived. The street had been blocked on both ends so she had to walk a bit to get to the house which was still a smoky inferno. I quickly updated her as she took in the site of her home in the process of being devastated. It was an emotional rush for her and quickly she became overcome by emotion, especially when her mom arrived and she ran to her for comfort. I quickly ushered the kids out of the car to their grandmas car further from the house. I knew they didn't  need to see anymore than they already had. Grandma Louise quickly escorted the kids away from the house and took them to her home.

The next couple of hours were a blur as  several official fire administration officials arrived. Many wonderful friends came to be with us as we waited for more news from the fire department as they contained the fire and started investigating. After about an hour they informed us the cat had not survived as she took in too much smoke. Immediately I dreaded the conversation that would need to be had with the kids before the night was over. One of the fire officials came and started asking us questions as to what happened and about various issues and details of the house and how it was set up and who lived there and where their respective bedrooms were and so forth. As Julie and I talked we started wondering and how it all started. Initially we thought it had to do with the equipment that was left in the basement from a restoration company who was cleaning up a flood in the basement earlier that day. In fact, they had left the house about 30 minutes prior to when I noticed the fire. In time we were in fact told a different cause altogether.

The fire originated in the bedroom of our oldest son and was deemed an accidental electric fire. Let me just say this. NO MORE EXTENSION CORDS! Between overloading a power strip and using old substandard extension cords which created a formula for disaster. Our oldest son had just returned from his year away at college two days prior. Needless to say he lost everything he owned. His clothes, shoes, hats, computers, gaming systems, games and much much more was packed in that room. It immediately shook him up and he went into fight or flight mode. After he spoke to the fire officials at the scene we didn't actually see him for nearly 48 hours and rarely heard from him. It was with much prayer and reassurance to him that finally gave him the freedom and safety to return to the family. He is doing much better now and is at the hotel with us and looking forward to what comes next in his life.

We were able to take a quick tour of the house after the fire was extinguished and it was deemed safe. To say it was shocking is an understatement. The amount of smoke damage throughout the entire home was overwhelming. The lower level where our oldest son and oldest daughter and I all had our bedrooms and other living spaces was a black dark hole. Furnishings melted, glass on the floor, water soaked picture frames on the wall, blackened out faces on those same pictures. Going into the room where it all started was like a burnt out black hole. Things were melted and broken and purely disintegrated. Once we left the house and the fire department turned it back over to us we locked the doors and walked away still somewhat in shock.

The first night we stayed at Julie's mom's house so we could all be together for the sake of the kids. The two younger children were devastated when they heard the news about the cat. It took us a long time to console them and get them quieted again. Luckily Julie had taken some laundry to her mom's house and each of the kids had some clothes there they could wear, including pajamas. No one slept well that night. Kids were restless, jumping from bed to bed to find comfort and morning came all too early. We got up with the plan to keep kids on their schedules and getting them all to school in a timely manner and that mission was accomplished. We know that our children thrive on consistency and routine so with only 2 days of school left we marched on.

It was really a blessing the kids were in school as it gave us two days to deal with all the insurance issues, phone calls, and tons of decisions that needed to be made. Had the kids been around that would have been much harder than it was. So we were thankful for that.

Frankly from the beginning of it all I specifically chose GRATITUDE. Grateful that we were all alive. Grateful that it was not worst. Grateful that it did not affect any neighbors. Grateful for the fire department personnel and first responders who were on the scene. Grateful for the funny Red Cross volunteer who came with care packages and hotel and food vouchers so we could begin the process of rebuilding. Grateful that the kids were not more emotionally/spiritually impacted than they were by the fire. Grateful that Julie has good home owners insurance and that I had good renters insurance. So many things came to mind in the first day or two of things to be grateful for as we went through the process.

Sitting here and reflecting back on the night of the fire and how I stood there watching the burning it was almost surreal. Was that really me? Did my kids and I just evacuate our home that was on fire? Really???? I remember as a kid the television show The Waltons and the episode where the family home was burned. That episode left a mark in my mind and I never forgot it. Now here I am 50 years old having watched my home burn just as the Walton's did all those years ago. I don't remember feeling fear as the home was engulfed in smoke, rather I just wanted my kids to be safe. Yet something else in which to be grateful.

A week later now and I am amazed at the amount of love and support we have received from people some being family and close friends and other being people we haven't seen in decades and in some cases do not even know. Grateful that they were there to help us along the way. Being purely honest, I also realized who were true friends.

The Burning as I will forever call May 20, 2019 is an opportunity to start fresh. A chance to rethink the choices I have made in the past regarding materialism and giving to others. A way to rethink and live the next 50 years better than I have the first 50 years. The Burning will teach me many things in the days, weeks, months ahead as we restore and rebuild a place The Ballard Bunch calls home!

P.S. Stay tuned for additional blog entries as I share the journey that started from The Burning!

The Thrill of Hope.....

....a new and glorious morn......the phrase from this song has captured my heart the past few weeks. Even before the official Christmas season began (which is still way too early) the thrill of hope was rolling around in my head and heart over and over. As time marched us closer to the actual day of Christmas the phrase continues to dwell within me like a mantra repeating itself over and over again. Like that song you heard on the radio that now is stuff in perpetuity. Yet my phrase is not one of annoyance like the radio song, but rather a it is a continual reminder that this season too shall pass!

It has been sometime since I have shared what is on my heart and the happenings of my bunch and I. So let this blog post serve as my Christmas letter as the budget did not allow me to indulge in my annual Christmas card campaign as it did in years past. This was yet another indicator of this most recent season of life. I think the best way to describe this past year would be the phrase, "Due Diligence". I conducted all my affairs in life with a sense of due diligence. Not as an urgent race to get it all done, but rather a steady stream of progress and crossing my t's and dotting my i's. While unstated this years journey has moved me toward to SIMPLE and learning to be ok with that. Which as crazy as it seems has been hard to accept.

The past few years have brought many changes and challenges and stress points and issues that have taxed my heart and brain beyond belief. Now I long and am moving into a season of simple!

The most interesting components of my life tend to stem around that of the Bunch - also known as Courtney, Will, Lyric, Alexis and AJ. Here is an update on each of them!

Courtney graduated from high school after much angst and stress he completed his required courses and received his diploma. While the process what not what I had hoped for him, he did what he needed to do and accomplished his goal. He has since been accepted to a couple of different colleges but is taking his time to determine the best next steps in his life. He is living at home and works at Subway making subs! Keep in your thoughts and prayers as he plans for the journey ahead.

Will's attempt to move back home permanently last December lasted a couple of months. After much worry and hesitation it was decided that now 16 year old Will would not be able to live at home with his family anymore due to the issues he struggles with in the family environment. This was a blow for me as a dad, but in the long run we believe that Will's long term goals are better met in a different scenario. He is still our son and we still have visits and talk regularly him on the phone. He came home for Thanksgiving nand will be back next wek for Christmas. We are hoping that a planned transition for him in early January goes accordingly as he takes the next steps towards his own independence

My 13 year old daughter, Lyric, has definitely blossomed as a teenager this year. Along with the noticeable physical changes her 13 year old stare of death and angry outbursts seem to be spot on for the hormonal creature I call my darling daughter. She continues to struggle in her own way in the areas of social skills, basic life skills, responsibility and etc. Due to her mental illness, we have come to the conclusion that Lyric will require a different level of support as she grows and looks toward a life of independence. For those of you not familiar with the challenge of mental health support in America please know the challenges are immense, the resources are few and the only one getting hurt is Lyric. When she is truly engaged and present she has an infectious laugh, an amazing smile and a very creative mind that has the potential to take the fashion world by storm.

Alexis is what could be described as the darling of the family. This very intelligent 9-year old continues to amaze me in her resilience, especially since she is sandwiched between her older sister and younger brother, both of whom steal a lot of attention away from her. Lexi as we in the family are allowed to call her is becoming more determined and head strong in certain things in her life. She conquered her fear of heights this past summer when she did a 4 story ropes course all by herself while we were on vacation. I was so proud of her that day and she did it all of her own accord. She is her own little paradox when she goes from pretending to be a dog or cat when playing to having an in-depth discussion with me regarding the reason why U.S. Postal Carriers have to wear blue uniforms. She has a good sense of the world around her and yet stilll knows how to tune it all out when needed, including tuning me out! 

The biggest theft of my energy is a five year old named, Aaron Jeffrey, or AJ as we all call him. Everybody knows AJ and if they don't they will by the time he leaves the room they were in. He knows how to make his presence known to all near and far. I often joke I am glad I am deaf, because the boy's normal volume is LOUD much to the consternation of his teachers at school.Yes we have had his ears tested and he has perfect hearing. Entering the ranks of kindergarten has caused great stress for this happy go lucky little guy! Long story short, his early weeks in school resulted in many phone calls, meetings with the principal and teachers and long night at home. We continue to support AJ the best we know how through use of homeopathic medicine and other therapies. We are currently working off of a tentative diagnosis of PANDAS for AJ, please see this link to learn more. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/pandas/index.shtml   We have found an amazing practiioner who is very familiar with this condition and is helping us to sort through it all. Keep us all in your prayers as we continue down this extremely challenging road with AJ!

A little more updates on me.... I am now working part time (15 to 20) a week for a local chiropractic doctor who specializes in working with kids who have neuro typical disorders such as autism, ADD, PANDAS and other similar issues. This is the first time I have worked outside of the home in 7 years so it has been an adjustment for me physically, but so good for me emotionally and cognitively. To learn more check out Covenant Integrative Wellness at our FaceBook page. Our new website will launch in early January

Another bit of news, I have moved yet again. I am grateful to my parents who do so much for me every year. We decided to sell the house we purchased for me to live in and for me to downsize once again. We originally bought the house with the intention of Will and I being primary residents, well when that did not work out it became clear to me I did not need such a big house to maintain. The house sold and closed in under 90 days and I was able to move out and move on. Which leads me to the next piece of my story.

As you can guess from the above descriptions of my kids, their needs are continual and sometimes quite intense and requires the support of both their mother and I on the bad days. It was decided that I would move into the basement quarters of Julie's home and set up shop. I have been here in the Daddy Cave since October and for the most part it is going well.  The kids enjoy having their parents under one roof and the hassles of kids transitioning between two households is no longer an issue. I am now officially co-parenting my kids with their mother and 95% of the time it works and benefits all involved. We don't see this as a long term arrangement (fingers crossed) and are doing this in an effort to support the diverse and unique needs of our children. We are learning boundaries and new ways of communication and learning to accept one another in new ways that we never did before! No this is not a step towards reunification, it is a culmination of Co-Parenting five amazing kids who need their mom and dad and sometimes both at the same time. I will probably blog about the co-parenting thing more in the year ahead. Stay tuned!

Returning to my initial thoughts of the Thrill of Hope.....all the things I wrote above set me into a funk or depression over the past few months likely most of the year. Having to downsize yet again and sell off many items I did not think I would ever part with (My Coca Cola Collection for one) have been intense times of growing pains. I now live in a large family room and one bedroom and a bathroom to call my own Daddy Cave. I am so blessed that Julie was able to put the needs of our kids over her own thoughts and feelings and allow this Co-Parenting thing to happen. This is also allowing me to reset some things financially and get better prepared for the future so yet another sorting out of things.

Learning to manage what I can manage! Learning to see what is important and what is not! Learning to take care of me! Learning that forgiveness is a powerful tool. Continuing to accept I am who I am because I am a Child of God and He did not make any mistakes. All these life lessons prepare me for what is ahead and gives me what I call, "A Thrill of Hope" for my family and for yours!

Don’t Help Me – Please Help Me – Ok You Can Stop Now!

Do you remember holding your child in your arms for the very first time? Do you remember the feelings that overwhelmed you in that moment? The strong sense that you would do whatever you could to help this child to grow, develop, bloom and be successful in life. You did not just become a parent in that moment; you became a teacher, motivator, disciplinarian, mentor, playmate, maid, and everything else that they would need during their lives. You have committed yourself to be there for you child in whatever possible. Of course, one of the goals is to raise our children to be independent and successful even without our being there to pick them up with each fall. But how many times do we stand there and cringe and even start to reach out to steady your child when you see a pending obstacle, yet you pull back to help them encounter the obstacle in their own way. No matter what your child’s age may be, do you ever stop wanting to help? Do you find yourself not wanting to put your hand in front of them as you step on the brake suddenly while driving down the street? The need to be there to protect and help our children is inherent from the day of their birth to the day of their death, or sadly their child’s death as occurs in some cases. Not trying to be morbid, but over the past few days I have become very aware of this position.

One of my greatest blessings comes in the forms of my mom and dad! Curt and Brenda Ballard are some amazing folks! And yes, they drive me absolutely crazy at times. And to be fair I return the favor. Being an only child is not something I do not take lightly and thus our lives are very intertwined. Clearly there are days where I want to cut the vines that bind us together and again I know they have felt the same way at times. It would be easy to be resentful of the fact that my being an only child is probably an unfair burden for me and for them as well. Not having a sibling means that my closest allies in life are my parents. For them they don’t have favorites so they are stuck with me as their only option.

This past week I have come to realize that while I am very concerned about my parents and their aging process that they too are concerned about my own aging process. I just turned 48 and am divorced with five amazing and challenging children. In addition, dealing with my medical and physical realities and unable to work while now facing a new chapter of medical drama that none of us are looking forward to. One of the things my parents did well, was to raise a very independent man! They never treated me different due to my physical and medical challenges and always encouraged me to do my best with what I had to work with in any given situation. Ok so maybe I was a little spoiled and to a degree still am, part of the only child syndrome! Yet there are some who are quick to point out that I may have taken my independence a little too far at times by tending to choose to travel the roads less traveled. Others might say that I am fooling myself and have become an entitled tyrant who does not like not getting his way. But who does not like getting their own way?

As my parents were here these past few days to help me with Spring Break and the kiddos as we awaited the verdict of my current medical drama to unfold, we clearly encountered our share of power struggles. They wanted to help me because I was feeling so bad, and yet my strong independent streak roared its ugly head. Yes, I can be a butthead sometimes and they know it and still love me. Yet they are aware that they are stuck in their ways and a bit stubborn themselves and I still love them. This unique combination is a special treat (noted sarcastically) for us when we are all together and stressed!

A challenge I faced was dealing with physical chronic pain and general blek feeling and wanting to do nothing, but also wanting to do what I could. I was not good at communicating what I wanted to do. There were moments when mom or dad was jerking their figurative hand out in front of me to prevent a potential obstacle disaster. Sometimes I was appreciative, other times not so much. For those times, I apologize, and I truly understand the unique position they find themselves in. I am so appreciative and blessed to have parents who have always supported me in good and bad times. When I made decisions, they didn’t agree with and then didn’t take satisfaction by saying “I told you so!” As there were clearly times they could have and even then, helped me develop a plan to clean up a Brock Mess. They have learned over time when to step back and let me do my thing and I know it has not been easy.

They are most incapable of holding back when I am sick or not well or my health is in jeopardy. There is something that triggers everything in them when it comes to my physical well-being. It probably stems from losing a child thirty seven years ago, and being afraid of going through that again. No I am not dying but when you are dealing with matters of the heart it is hard to not consider all potential outcomes. They were told after my older brother was born that they should not have more kids, but chose to do so anyway. Even when I was born I fought and struggled for 3 months before they could bring me home. They watched me struggle with hearing issues, bone and joint issues, genetic testing and other variables over the years. They feel for me with each added chapter of my medical history. Their internal desire to protect me is overwhelming and never goes away. May I continue to be more aware of their desire to protect me and help me along the way.

I totally get it. I have shared many of the travails and obstacles my kids have faced in their lives. While most not of their own doing and some of their own volition and I am always struggling with when do I reach out my hand or redirect them from encountering an obstacle. Every day I find myself trying to solve a problem for one of my kids to make their life a little smoother. Depending on how unwise they are being motivates me as to how much I want to help them (think teenagers). So yes, parents struggle with where the line lies as to when and when not to intervene. Clearly as I have seen in recent days this struggle is lifelong! The joys of parenthood are forever and amen!

All this to say a huge SHOUT OUT to my parents…. truly the best and most amazing parents around! I know they did a little happy dance in the car as they pulled away from my house this morning…. I am glad they didn’t see me behind the closed front door after they left. We obviously have more journeys ahead as we move into the days and years ahead. Let us all be more aware and thankful for our blessings. If you still have your parents please call them, go by and give them a hug or let them know you are blessed by them being in your life! 

All about the Heart of the Matter...

WARNING: This blog contains information you may or may not want to read or know, but it all comes from my heart! Not graphic or inappropriate - just honest! So do with it what you will!

How many songs have we heard throughout our lives that talk about the heart! “The heart is not so smart” or “Achy Breaky Heart” or “Open the Eyes of my Heart” and the list goes on. What is it about the heart that has everyone’s attention. This has been a week of heart matters for me both literally and figuratively.

It all started Sunday evening when I went to the see the movie. “The Shack” and my heart was rocked at all the emotions that the film caused within my heart. Seeing how God became flesh in this allegorical film for a man whose family was rocked by the abduction and murder of their child. So many beautiful pictures were shown on the screen before me as I watched the Father, Son and Holy Spirit displayed in such a way to immense matters of the heart. Matters such as love, forgiveness, self-image, personal value, redemption and grace were all addressed and left me marveling at who God truly is for me and how He has lead me through life. I know some of you have issues with some of the theological ideas presented in the film and I have my own thoughts I will share on the subject in a future blog.

Then on Monday I was home alone resting after a long wonderful weekend spent with my kids and finally watched the final installment of ABC’s, “When We Rise.” For those of you who don’t know, “When We Rise” was a 4 night (8-hour bio docudrama) of the Gay community from the late 1960’s until present day. Being a gay man I can honestly say I was vastly ignorant on some of the issues presented in this program! I have known some of the basics of the Gay community and how it evolved over the years, but never truly followed it in such a linear flow. As the visual story came to a halt in 2016 I was overwhelmed with a sense of blessing for those who fought this battle. As a teen and young adult, I remember sneaking around the libraries (pre-internet) looking for any information I could find about being homosexual or gay. I still recall sitting in the back of the stacks in one library reading through a series of books on sexuality to determine if I was diseased or cursed or whatever “it” was I did to cause this to happen to me. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Sadly, there was not much encouragement for a young man searching for answers in 1989! Rather it was all gloom and doom and shame! I allowed the shame that was born in my young life to control my life for far too long. As a result of that shame many people were hurt along the way in my journey to find peace.

The docudrama created a shift in my heart as I followed the stories of people who had spent decades fighting for what they believed and then seeing their dreams become reality. The sense of victory that they experienced both individually and corporately was inspiring and left me wondering, how did I miss all this? I know many of you have very different opinions than I about issues of sexuality and etc. I want to first of all say, I respect each and everyone one of your perspectives and views. I just ask that you do the same for me. If there is one thing I have learned about my heart over the years is this, I don’t like confrontation and if you come at me in a confrontational manner I will shut down. Yet as I get older I am finding that I am not as hesitant to confront as I used to be. The reason being is that I allowed my own personal shame to shut me down. Now that I am no longer controlled by shame the need to hide from confrontation is not as necessary.

Shame is a powerful force in our lives and a lot of what I have personally experienced in the church has resulted in shame and self-doubt and even self-loathing. Those patterns of thinking became entrenched within my being as I journeyed through the various phases of my life: being scared as a teen that I had done something to create my attraction to guys that would no doubt send me to hell not to mention infect me with AIDS and die; to my young adulthood when the only door on my closet was a revolving door wrought with secrets and bad choices; to my early 30’s with my first partner; to my mid 30’s in the antigay movement and the anti-gay Christian conversion therapy; and into my 40’s and marriage to my former wife and on to the point where I am now looking down the nose of 50 and single and by the way gay and ok with no shame. The absence of shame equals peace and understanding of what is in my heart and whom He created me to be.

My heart is defined by the truth of who I am! I am many things: believer, man, father, son, cousin, friend, partner, writer, dog lover, junk picker and a bunch of other things to boot. Not one of these components totally defines who I am. Do I place more value on some of these than others, oh yeah! I have always been and always will consider myself first and foremost a believer – a Child of God! This was the number one principal I learned when going through the anti-gay conversion therapy in my mid-30’s.  Though it may not have been their intention when they taught me this principal, but truly the idea of accepting my identity as a Child of God was brilliant in that it showed me no matter what I am His child. This is the single thing I am grateful for during my two years within the conversion therapy movement. Even though I was temporarily convinced that I could pray away the gay, I learned, believed and still believe that above all else I am a Child of God. None of these other aspects of my heart and being changes that fact.

Tuesday brought my weekly visit with my 3 youngest kids. According to the latest revision of the parenting plan approved by the all might wise Cole County Court, my youngest three kids spend every Tuesday night and every other weekend at my house. Not enough time in my book, but sadly that is something that was and is still soooo out of my control. I truly believe that will change in time but for now it is what it is. Every Tuesday is a booster shot for my heart as I spend time with my kids as I cherish each moment we share together. I have blogged about my kids in the past and each of them bring their own challenges with them when they come to my house. My heart soared Tuesday evening as I watched AJ (the five-year-old) participate in soccer practice. This whole team sport thing is a new concept for him and he is at that age where it seems like he changes and develops a little more each day. How fun is that? To watch this little dude just do his thing and do better than I ever expected in that environment. I love being a dad and it holds a good chunk of my heart.

Moving on to Wednesday of this week, I had the privilege to spend the day with my mom and two of my cousins just being together eating, pickin’ and hanging out touched my heart more than I thought it would. They took time out of there busy lives and drove 2 ½ hours to see me! It was a time of fun and reminiscing and laughter and more. I moved to Jefferson City 11 years ago, and I admit I struggle with the fact I am still here all these years later, but I am here for my kids and am not going anywhere. Yet being in Jefferson City has separated me from my family and close friends. I miss the relationships I had when I lived in Springfield and St. Louis. I grew up surrounded by family and friends and I was blessed. It has taken me nearly a decade to finally feel like I am home and have some good friends here. Could I use a few more people in my corner here in Jefferson City, of course, but maybe another decade and I will pick up a few more. People who know ME and know my heart. Who knew that my moving to Central Missouri would be a necessary part of my journey on many levels. My heart was touched and blessed by the visit of my cousins and mom and I can’t wait until we do it again. All other cousins welcome to join us next time!

Today is Thursday and I started my day off at the Cardiologist office trying to determine the cause of my recent episodes of chest pain. They did an EKG and nothing major was indicated. I was put on another medication (which I have to wait until tomorrow to pick up since none of the 4 pharmacies I went to had it in stock – more joy of small town living). I have been scheduled for another stress test at 8 am Monday to determine what is going on. Most of you know I have been struggling with heart issues for almost 6 years and frankly I am tired of it. Cardiac catheter, stents, by pass, widow maker arteries, high blood pressure, cholesterol levels, among others are all too common terms in my vocabulary these days. No fun, not working.

I spent this evening eating dinner with my best friend and partner in life. We laughed and talked and just shared the ups and downs of our day. The relationship we have, while far from perfect it is truly full of heart for one another! While the odd couple we might be, we spend a lot of our time looking out for and taking into account each other’s needs as we truly desire only the best for one another. He knows my heart and knows what will break it and what will heal it. We have dreams for life and what a joy it is to support one another with our individual and joint goals in life. My heart is truly full.

All this to say that it truly is a matter of the heart! Who made my heart? Who knows my heart? As I was leaving the doctor today trying not to get bummed out about the unknown potentials of the days ahead something came to my mind, a line from an old song I learned as a kid, “…. cause you gave me a HEART and you gave me a smile, You gave me Jesus and made me your Child, I just thank you Father for making me, ME!”

Really I do! Sing a long with me....click below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imO2NiKo_AQ&list=RDimO2NiKo_AQ#t=84

Who is they?????

I find it more than interesting that when offering encouragement or advice or well wishes that it usually starts with. "You know what they say?" Who the heck is THEY???? Where was THEY when I needed a hand to hold. Where was THEY when I needed an ear to listen? Where was THEY when I needed someone to sit quietly when I needed to grieve? Where was they when I needed a shoulder to lean on? Where was THEY????

Today has been another one of those challenging days in the life of a parent of a child who is hurting. Another test of my strength, resolve, love and compassion! It is cold, grey and damp outside so it fits my mood and countenance and yet I search for answers!

So what do THEY say to those of us who just do not know what else to do? What do THEY say to us as others cast stones? What do THEY say when you are rejected by a loved one? What do THEY say when there are no good options? What do THEY say when the system is broke and the life of a loved one is damaged? What do THEY say when you say Enough is Enough!

Let me tell you what THEY say! They say nothing! The silence is deafening as there are no words that can describe the feelings that I and the mother of my child feel today! Words are hollow today! Feelings are real today! I am not emotionally overwrought but I am wondering what "THEY" would say to a hurting parent who only wants their child to grow and develop and have a happy successful life!

I do have hope! I do know the source of hope! I am not without hope. I just hope and pray the same can be said for my hurting child today! My child did not deserve to be hurt, damaged and abandoned by a selfish biological parent. My child did not deserve be physically and emotionally abused by foster parents and foster siblings for years. My child did not deserve to be placed in a home where they were not the only child so they could get what they truly needed? My child did not deserve to be in the position that they are in today.

What do THEY have to say to my child today? Lord knows I don't know what to say!

The JUNK of LIfe

It is no secret that I like my junk. Like Violet Crawley here.....

I have had a life long love of junk, antiques, sentimental pieces of paper. Did you know I have an entire pile of handwritten (yes handwritten in ink) on white lined note book paper of notes written back and forth from my high school best friend Shari? It is a hoot. You can still see the creases of how we folded those notes and hand them off to one another in between classes or maybe even during the classes we shared together! LOL I am telling ya folks this is the stuff life is made of. Why do I still have this pile of slightly faded yellowing aging paper? Well it represents one of the few positive spots of my high school life. Shari was a light in a dark time of my life and I don't think she ever knew it until now. Some day with her permission I may share some highlights of the importance of high school life in the 1980's!

Then there is the big junk! Recently in preparation for moving and downsizing, I have spent many hours and days and night sorting through boxes of junk or crap as some may call it! I have made countless trips to the closest donation store getting rid of old clothes, games I will never play again, stupid ugly plates I once thought were funky, excess items from my Coke collection, excess items from my Scottie Collection, excess items from my comic book collection, excess items from my trading card collection, excess items from my mission style furniture collection, excess items from my hoarded office supplies and school supplies, and oh my! I have 14 boxes of stuff to drop off at my church next week for their annual Fall Give Away. I have taken full van load of things related to building houses and etc to Habitat for Humanity. I have donated stuff to the kids school. I have been busy sorting and dividing and donating and it has been liberating. Yet when someone looks in my basement (before yesterday) and they say wow you have a lot of stuff....I have to remind them of this!

I have a collection of collections! At one point I had a collection of unique pens from various places and stores and tourists traps and etc. Thanks to my kids help that collection has now been depleted and disposed of! Why do I have this incessant need to collect and gather and keep and border line hoard. I have an extensive collection of Santa Clauses that I like to display at Christmas. I am thinking probably 5 plastic bins of neatly wrapped Santas and such. I even have a dedicated tree just for Jolly old St. Nick. Why? Because I like him. I know and firmly believe in the fact that Christmas is about the birth of savior! Yet the whimsy and joy that the myth of Santa brings is fun and I am a child at heart. Back to the point! JUNK - I have told myself several times that my Santa collection needs to be reduced. I have so many I don't even have room to set them all out each year and that is here in the big house at Ballard on the Green. So I may be having a Santa sale soon. I swear I just had a chest pain when I typed that last sentence. IT IS JUST JUNK! I have to keep reminding myself of that. Stay tuned for details on the Santa Sale....tear, sniff, sigh!

In January, I started selling some of my crap out of a booth in a Flea Market/ Vintage Resale shop here in Jefferson City. This place where I have found other lover of JUNK has become such a joy for me! Almost like a place of majestic wonder.

Not only do I have the ability to off load my junk and continue the hunt for more junk to sell, but I have found others who have this incessant need to hunt and gather. My friend, Joe Bocklage, he is a man among men of hunter sand gatherers in the land of junk, When I first met him, he took me to the bowels of his family kingdom where he kept his collections beneath the bright colors of JStreet Vintage and wow was I overjoyed to see there was a Junkster more enthralled than I.

Yesterday I embarked on an journey I had never taken before! I went to a Surplus Auction at Mizzou in Columbia! I have to tell ya there are several observation I want to share with you.
1) I takes all kinds to make the world go around.
2) Why do so many college kids leave their bikes behind (there must have been 75 bikes that they auctioned off - and the majority of them sold for five dollars or less. One guy bought 7 bikes for 10 dollars. Maybe a couple of flat tires here and there, but these bikes were in near mint condition. If I had more room I would have bought some myself.
3) A 2004 Honda Element Green - one of my dream cars sold AS IS for $1700, It drove and had a few nicks and dents and maybe some transmission issues, but even spending some money on repairs this thing was a deal. Not to mention the three minivan which all sold for under $1000 each and were driveable.
4) Be careful when  the auctioneer starts lumping everything into lots towards the end of the day! Ooopppss! Can we say 27 computer monitors for $11 or what about 17 computer bags for $7.
5) The prices overall were unbelievable.
6) I am sure most normal people out there would not understand the Auction environment and what makes people buy what they buy. But hey...I have the t-shirt....

7) Most of those buyers are there looking to make money off their purchases. Some take the items and recycle and make money off the scraps during recycling. Some are looking to resell in their own shops (that would be me!) and others are there looking how to fill up the bowels of their kingdoms very inexpensively!
8) I should never go to an auction along again - I have no reasoning power. If we are ever in a situation that involves junk and you here me being reasonable - you know we are in trouble

9) Never buy more than will fit in your vehicle.

Nope thats not my vehicle! Thanks to the nice folks at Uhaul I was able to accomodate my purchases and get them home.
10) Oh dawg I was tired by the end of the day and can barely move today!

So all this JUNK talk to say - that as I indicated above, I love junk! Junk loves me. We have had a life long love affair - here lately it has transitioned into a love/hate relationship. My garage is far from full. All my newly acquired junk is in their neatly and nicely! Life is good. Now to sell it all and double my money!

Yesterday was a good day! It was fun, entertaining, educational, tiring, and thrilling in an odd sort of weird Brock loves his junk way! Yet if I were Lucy Ricardo and if I had a Ricky Ricardo person in my life this is what would have happened when I arrived home last night with my Uhaul!

Unless my Ricky is my father or my real estate agent then I am good! 

Babaloo for now!