WARNING: This blog contains information you may or may not
want to read or know, but it all comes from my heart! Not graphic or inappropriate - just honest! So do with it what you
will!
How many songs have we heard throughout our lives that talk
about the heart! “The heart is not so smart” or “Achy Breaky Heart” or “Open
the Eyes of my Heart” and the list goes on. What is it about the heart that has
everyone’s attention. This has been a week of heart matters for me both
literally and figuratively.
It all started Sunday evening when I went to the see the
movie. “The Shack” and my heart was rocked at all the emotions that the film
caused within my heart. Seeing how God became flesh in this allegorical film
for a man whose family was rocked by the abduction and murder of their child. So
many beautiful pictures were shown on the screen before me as I watched the
Father, Son and Holy Spirit displayed in such a way to immense matters of the heart.
Matters such as love, forgiveness, self-image, personal value, redemption and
grace were all addressed and left me marveling at who God truly is for me and
how He has lead me through life. I know some of you have issues with some of
the theological ideas presented in the film and I have my own thoughts I will
share on the subject in a future blog.
Then on Monday I was home alone resting after a long wonderful
weekend spent with my kids and finally watched the final installment of ABC’s, “When
We Rise.” For those of you who don’t know, “When We Rise” was a 4 night (8-hour
bio docudrama) of the Gay community from the late 1960’s until present day. Being
a gay man I can honestly say I was vastly ignorant on some of the issues
presented in this program! I have known some of the basics of the Gay community
and how it evolved over the years, but never truly followed it in such a linear
flow. As the visual story came to a halt in 2016 I was overwhelmed with a sense
of blessing for those who fought this battle. As a teen and young adult, I
remember sneaking around the libraries (pre-internet) looking for any
information I could find about being homosexual or gay. I still recall sitting
in the back of the stacks in one library reading through a series of books on
sexuality to determine if I was diseased or cursed or whatever “it” was I did
to cause this to happen to me. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with
me. Sadly, there was not much encouragement for a young man searching for
answers in 1989! Rather it was all gloom and doom and shame! I allowed the
shame that was born in my young life to control my life for far too long. As a
result of that shame many people were hurt along the way in my journey to find
peace.
The docudrama created a shift in my heart as I followed the stories
of people who had spent decades fighting for what they believed and then seeing
their dreams become reality. The sense of victory that they experienced both
individually and corporately was inspiring and left me wondering, how did I
miss all this? I know many of you have very different opinions than I about issues
of sexuality and etc. I want to first of all say, I respect each and everyone
one of your perspectives and views. I just ask that you do the same for me. If
there is one thing I have learned about my heart over the years is this, I don’t
like confrontation and if you come at me in a confrontational manner I will
shut down. Yet as I get older I am finding that I am not as hesitant to
confront as I used to be. The reason being is that I allowed my own personal
shame to shut me down. Now that I am no longer controlled by shame the need to
hide from confrontation is not as necessary.
Shame is a powerful force in our lives and a lot of what I have
personally experienced in the church has resulted in shame and self-doubt and
even self-loathing. Those patterns of thinking became entrenched within my
being as I journeyed through the various phases of my life: being scared as a
teen that I had done something to create my attraction to guys that would no
doubt send me to hell not to mention infect me with AIDS and die; to my young
adulthood when the only door on my closet was a revolving door wrought with
secrets and bad choices; to my early 30’s with my first partner; to my mid 30’s
in the antigay movement and the anti-gay Christian conversion therapy; and into
my 40’s and marriage to my former wife and on to the point where I am now
looking down the nose of 50 and single and by the way gay and ok with no shame.
The absence of shame equals peace and understanding of what is in my heart and
whom He created me to be.
My heart is defined by the truth of who I am! I am many
things: believer, man, father, son, cousin, friend, partner, writer, dog lover,
junk picker and a bunch of other things to boot. Not one of these components totally
defines who I am. Do I place more value on some of these than others, oh yeah! I
have always been and always will consider myself first and foremost a believer –
a Child of God! This was the number one principal I learned when going through
the anti-gay conversion therapy in my mid-30’s. Though it may not have been their intention
when they taught me this principal, but truly the idea of accepting my identity
as a Child of God was brilliant in that it showed me no matter what I am His
child. This is the single thing I am grateful for during my two years within
the conversion therapy movement. Even though I was temporarily convinced that I
could pray away the gay, I learned, believed and still believe that above all
else I am a Child of God. None of these other aspects of my heart and being
changes that fact.
Tuesday brought my weekly visit with my 3 youngest kids. According
to the latest revision of the parenting plan approved by the all might wise
Cole County Court, my youngest three kids spend every Tuesday night and every
other weekend at my house. Not enough time in my book, but sadly that is
something that was and is still soooo out of my control. I truly believe that
will change in time but for now it is what it is. Every Tuesday is a booster
shot for my heart as I spend time with my kids as I cherish each moment we share
together. I have blogged about my kids in the past and each of them bring their
own challenges with them when they come to my house. My heart soared Tuesday
evening as I watched AJ (the five-year-old) participate in soccer practice.
This whole team sport thing is a new concept for him and he is at that age
where it seems like he changes and develops a little more each day. How fun is
that? To watch this little dude just do his thing and do better than I ever
expected in that environment. I love being a dad and it holds a good chunk of
my heart.
Moving on to Wednesday of this week, I had the privilege to spend
the day with my mom and two of my cousins just being together eating, pickin’ and
hanging out touched my heart more than I thought it would. They took time out
of there busy lives and drove 2 ½ hours to see me! It was a time of fun and reminiscing
and laughter and more. I moved to Jefferson City 11 years ago, and I admit I
struggle with the fact I am still here all these years later, but I am here for
my kids and am not going anywhere. Yet being in Jefferson City has separated me
from my family and close friends. I miss the relationships I had when I lived
in Springfield and St. Louis. I grew up surrounded by family and friends and I
was blessed. It has taken me nearly a decade to finally feel like I am home and
have some good friends here. Could I use a few more people in my corner here in
Jefferson City, of course, but maybe another decade and I will pick up a few
more. People who know ME and know my heart. Who knew that my moving to Central
Missouri would be a necessary part of my journey on many levels. My heart was
touched and blessed by the visit of my cousins and mom and I can’t wait until
we do it again. All other cousins welcome to join us next time!
Today is Thursday and I started my day off at the
Cardiologist office trying to determine the cause of my recent episodes of
chest pain. They did an EKG and nothing major was indicated. I was put on
another medication (which I have to wait until tomorrow to pick up since none
of the 4 pharmacies I went to had it in stock – more joy of small town living).
I have been scheduled for another stress test at 8 am Monday to determine what
is going on. Most of you know I have been struggling with heart issues for almost
6 years and frankly I am tired of it. Cardiac catheter, stents, by pass, widow
maker arteries, high blood pressure, cholesterol levels, among others are all
too common terms in my vocabulary these days. No fun, not working.
I spent this evening eating dinner with my best friend and
partner in life. We laughed and talked and just shared the ups and downs of our
day. The relationship we have, while far from perfect it is truly full of heart
for one another! While the odd couple we might be, we spend a lot of our time
looking out for and taking into account each other’s needs as we truly desire
only the best for one another. He knows my heart and knows what will break it
and what will heal it. We have dreams for life and what a joy it is to support
one another with our individual and joint goals in life. My heart is truly
full.
All this to say that it truly is a matter of the heart!
Who made my heart? Who knows my heart? As I was leaving the doctor today trying
not to get bummed out about the unknown potentials of the days ahead something
came to my mind, a line from an old song I learned as a kid, “…. cause you gave
me a HEART and you gave me a smile, You gave me Jesus and made me your Child, I
just thank you Father for making me, ME!”
Really I do! Sing a long with me....click below!
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