And so it begins..

Something in the predawn hours roused me from my slumber as I rolled over and looked at the numbers glowing across the room. A reported time of 4:23 a.m. was not really the combination of digits I wanted to see. As my eyes cleared I noticed the light from the moon high above my window casting a myriad of rays throughout the room. Taking a deep breath I realized that there were five little fingers weaved through the hair on the back of my head. Fingers belonging to the one and only AJ. An adorable yet at time annoying trait that he started almost from birth. Through the years we have often joked, laughed, complained and shrieked as we dealt with those tiny fingers weaving themselves into our hair at all hours of the day and night. Smiling I glanced over to see AJ's near angelic face as he lay in the MIDDLE of my bed once again.

Don't get me started on the whole kids sleeping in the parents bed or not debate. We have been all over it through the years and on both sides of the fence and then rode the sleeping fence and now I just let him sleep with me given life has been so different in recent months.

Looking at his adorable features of his curly brown hair and long eyelashes I knew that I would truly miss the feeling of those little fingers tangled in my hair. It quickly hit me once again that the reality was this was the last time my four year old son would be sleeping in my house at night without supervision to ensure I don't endanger this precious child. The audacity of that thought just made frustrated beyond belief and it wasn't even dawn yet. Needless to say I was not going back to sleep anytime soon and left me gently stroking AJ's hair as he slept soundly making that little odd breathing noise he makes when he sleeps. My brain started to tumble and roll and go from one topic to another as I tried to make sense of all that has happened in recent days. One moment I would be near tears and other moments so mad I could spit. I knew that in a few short hours I would be dropping AJ off at daycare and when I kissed him good bye it would have more meaning then it ever had before.

As I was struggling to maintain my emotions a little person entered my room and lightly placed their hand on my arm, as she has been taught to do and brought me back to the reality of early hour. My blonde curly haired dreamer was standing there telling me she was hearing a beeping and could I please make it stop. I sat up and hugged her for a moment and told it was likely something from her 17 year old brother's room making that noise and it would stop soon. I kissed the top of her head and sent her back to her bed.

Since the separation, it has not been uncommon for Lexi to come wandering into my room with one concern or another at all hours of the night. Sometimes she has a belly ache while other times it is a noise she heard (Thanks Courtney) and other times she just needs some daddy loving. There is nothing I would not do for Lexi as she is always trying to make sense of the world around her. If something does not make sense she figure out a way to make it logical even if it means making it up. Some people call it lying, which it is, but really it is one smart scared little girls attempt to make sense of the world around her and the changes she is experiencing as a child of divorce.

These moments in time haunt me and yet scare me all at the same time. Will I ever have these moments again? Will my kids know I love them no matter how often I am allowed to see them? Will I find what I need in order to get them back? I keep rolling it all back to Father God and try really hard to be brave and trust He has it all under control. I love my kids, all 5 of them and facing a life with little contact with them is not ok.

Making phone call after phone call and sending emails and messages to all kinds of people and places and yet I get no answers or told, "We can't help you," or "Have you tried this agency or that place?" So many people say they want to help, but who will help my kids get their daddy back? I am doing everything I know to do and feeling frustrated and it is only day two of what will indeed be a long and exhaustive process to be truly a whole family again.

Please keep the kids and I in your prayers....
Please share our story with anyone and everyone...
Please consider helping us financially.... https://www.gofundme.com/2fdm3b7c

More updates in the days ahead....

Time to PUSH some more....The Ballard Bunch needs your help!

P-U-S-H – Pray until something happens. This was my plea a couple of weeks ago and clearly it worked as prayers and good thoughts were shooting up from all over the globe and yesterday finally something HAPPENED. Sadly the happening was not what I was hoping would happen.

Judge Green of Cole County Courts in Jefferson City, Missouri, determined that it was not in the best interest of my children to have an ongoing daily relationship with me, their father. He ruled that full custody of my children (aka The Ballard Bunch) would go to their mother and that the children would be allowed to have supervised visits with their father based on their mother’s sole discretion. There were no parameters established as to length, frequency and type of supervised visitation they would be allowed to have with their father only that they had to be supervised.

My children (as do all children) need their father and yet at no time during the course of the divorce trial was it ever proven in any way shape or form that I had ever harmed my children or put them at risk. The mother of my children sat on the witness stand and admitted to the fact that I was a good father and loved my children and provided excellent care as the primary care giver to our five children over the past five years. It was five years ago that together we made the decision for me to leave my full time employment and become a full time stay at home dad. There were three attorneys involved in the case and all three proposed 3 different custody arrangements of these five children and Judge Green ignored all the proposals and went off and did his own thing. Having sole custody of the children was not what my ex-wife asked for. I truly believe it places an unfair burden on her.

In a culture where the cry of so many is to ensure that children have actively involved fathers in their lives, my children are denied this in their own lives. A father who has dedicated his life to theirs and ensuring they had everything they needed to be successful in life including my own unwavering commitment and love to them. Look at my Facebook page and you will see posts and photo after post and photo of their life with dad. If you know one of the members of The Ballard Bunch ask and they will tell you how they feel about our family. Their mother has stated she wants me to continue to have a relationship with the children and has no desire to keep me out of the loop, yet that does not equal total and unfettered access to me as their father. Everything will have to run through the filter of their mother, who is a good person, but is viewing things through the perspective of hurt and possibly anger due to the demise of our marriage. I admit I made a number of mistakes in our marriage and she was hurt by me and I have apologized privately and publicly, but I am still concerned that  her attitude towards me will seep into the hearts of my children if not given consistent ongoing contact with me.

We all know that there are two sides to every story, but in my opinion there is only one side to look at and that is side of the CHILDREN! The Ballard Bunch who need their father’s ongoing consistent involvement in daily life not when and if it is convenient for their mother to include me? So all this background to say this…

IT IS TIME TO P-U-S-H AGAIN! I am asking you all to join me in prayer as I take on the arduous task of appealing this decision. The appeals process is tiring, expensive, and emotionally nerve wracking, but I do this primarily for my children not for me. Yes I admit I am hurt and devastated by the ruling and would love to crawl into a hole and never come out again, but once again I choose to rise and take a stand for my children who need their father. I have already spent thousands of dollars on the initial divorce and still owe several thousands to my divorce lawyer who did a good job of representing me and is also baffled by the outcome. I appreciate his non offensive approach in the courtroom but now for the appeal it is time to be on the offense and fight for the rights of my children to have a father.

It is also at this time that I am going to make a bold statement that may shock some of you. That may cause some of you to unfriend me on Facebook and even in life. Some of you already know or won’t be surprised at all. I truly believe the judge’s main motivation behind his ruling was homophobia. Since my ex-wife left me 19 months ago, I have acknowledged and accepted my identity as a man who is homosexual. You will not find me to be a rainbow flag waving man on the front lines of the latest gay agenda item. But I at the same time I will do what I need to get the rights of my children back so they can be with their father. I don’t define myself as a gay man, but rather a man who happens to be gay. I am also a son, father, brother, cousin, friend, confidant, Coca Cola lover, Scottish Terrier owning, tv show binger, flea market junkie, and most important I still claim first and foremost my identity as a CHILD OF GOD!

As I noted above, not all of you will be supportive of my stated declaration. If you don’t like it and don’t want to hear it then you may unfriend me on Facebook and don’t read my blog any longer. That is your choice. I only need people in my life that will support my children’s desire and need to have an active daily relationship with their father. This is not the time engage me in theological, philosophical or moral debate, as you will be put on the back burner and ignored until the appeal is over. You either support the need for my children to have a father or you don’t. If you don’t quietly move along for the sake of my children.

The reason I tell you all this here and now is that this appeal has the potential to gain some notoriety which may or may not help the decision to be overturned. Being so public would not be my preference as I enjoy a private life and want to protect my children from the harsh realities of life given their backgrounds. Additionally, there is potential for people to gossip and spread stories of half-truths and flat out lies as this appeals process moves forward. Being this forth coming  results in no big surprises for anyone. If you have a question or concern about something I ask you come to me and ask me directly. I have nothing to hide and at this point no secrets. I yam what I yam!

There are several things I am asking my family, friends, and acquaintance to do if you feel so led to be a part of our family's journey! 

1. 1 Please continue the P-U-S-H for giving the kids back their dad. Pray until something happens. Pray a lawyer agree to takes the case. Pray that the children will continue to feel loved, blessed and adored by their dad during this season. Pray for peace and protection for each of the kids during this season
2. Pray that wisdom is given regarding the myriad of financial issues I am facing during this time. Pray that the legal system will find favor on behalf of my children as the appeal progresses. And above all pray that God’s will is executed in the months ahead.
3. Please spread the word of this case. Share this blog post on your Facebook pages so that word will get out there that the judicial system is robbing The Ballard Bunch of their father. There needs to be some publicity and fervor behind this case in order to the attention of some key movers and shakers. I am just one man advocating for my children, I need others advocating on their behalf as well. Others to join me so please share our story with others in discussions, forward to every lawyer you know, just share the story that these children are losing their daddy and it is because of bigotry and ignorance.
4. It is very difficult for me to ask for help but I have no choice. I have set up a Go Fund account for anyone who wants to assist me financially with additional legal costs as the appeal process moves forward. Don’t do it for me. Do it for those five children who need their daddy! You will see information on my Facebook page about how you can contribute to the Go Fund account. No pressure and I don’t expect much, just know that I am selling everything that is nailed down in order to fund this appeal. Furnishings, my Coke Collection, housewares, clothing, everything not necessary to my daily living will be sold to fund this appeal. My fear is that still won’t be enough. This is a very difficult thing for me to ask for, but I do it for my children.
5.  It will be tempting to want to pick a side in this situation. This is not a case of sides. This is not a case of mother versus father. This is not a case of gay versus straight. This is a case for the CHILDREN and their need to have two parents active in their daily lives. This is a case where a judge took the authority he was given by the voters and executed in such a way that five kids have lost a father they can count on to be present in their lives each day!
6.  Finally, if you know my kids and see them somewhere don’t talk to them about these matters. This is their fight, but it is a fight I am waging on their behalf. They need to enjoy their childhoods as much as they can in the midst of all these transitions and changes. You can give them love, understanding and patience as they adjust to these changes. Keep them out of the details of all that is about to happen.

I truly don’t know what all the future holds for the kids and I as we move forward. I have confidence that it will be ok! I am not going to sit idly by and let these things happen without fighting for what is best for my children. I will never give up on my kids whether I see them every day or once a week or twice a month. These kids were given to me as precious beautiful gifts and I have never taken that for granted or ever willingly put them in harm’s way nor would I ever. Anyone who knows me and my commitment to children in this country knows that.

Thanks again for taking the time to read this.  I will keep the blog updated as updates become available. Thanks for considering ways you can help The Ballard Bunch. 

Mountain Man

Some might say that life is truly a journey! A journey that takes us to mountain highs and valleys low and tonight I find myself in neither place! I find myself somewhere between the two most talked about places in life. It would be easy for me to tell you all that I am in a valley lower than I have ever been before, but I can honestly say I don’t feel that way this evening. I find myself walking along a path on the mountain of my life. Yes my life is a mountain. Some days I find myself high atop the peaks of my life truly celebrating and reveling in the joys and blessings 

I am surrounded by each day. Then there are the days where I have allowed myself to succumb to the call of the deep dark valleys. 

Interestingly enough I have found comfort in both places at various times in my life. Anyone who says that their life is one long mountain or one long valley is lying and is in denial. I truly believe we are not designed to stand still in one place for any length of time. Even our bodies don’t ever stop, even when we are sleeping and lying perfectly still are hearts are still beating, our minds are still dreaming and our blood still flows. There is no such thing as a complete and total stop.

Oh believe me when I say that I have had moments in life when I felt like I was at a complete and total stop, but honestly it was a momentary arrest of the activity that made up my life on that given day. Maybe it was the day in 2000 when I found out I no longer had my dream job and became jobless for the first time as an adult! Or maybe it was the day in 2004 when I scooped up my sleeping son in the late evening hours out of his bed and left our home never to return in order to get away from an abusive ex. Could have been the day in 2013 when my twelve year old swang a metal bat at my head in a rage of anger and fear because he could not fathom the love I freely gave him. It might have been the day late in 2014 when my wife had me served with divorce papers. Many moments have clearly stopped me dead in my tracks, but life never stopped and none of those “valley” moments were inescapable.

On the other hands the mountaintop blessings have been overwhelming in my life. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Courtney in 2001, he was only two years old and happy and excited and just wanted to play. It was eight months later when the judge said, “Mr Ballard do you take this child to be your son!” I of course said yes! Then he looked at Courtney, who was sitting in his lap, and asked, “Do you want that man to be your daddy!” It was a proud moment when he looked at me and said, “Yes!” It was back in the same courthouse ten years later I was given yet another amazing son, Will, to be my son for better or worse! A year later in 2012 when a different judge proclaimed that my beautiful daughters became mine. The joy I felt in my heart that day was overwhelming. And just a couple of months later I had the privilege of becoming the father of that sweet baby boy named “Lil Mac” now known as AJ! These are truly some of my best mountain top moments in my life. Yet I couldn’t stay on the mountain top as that is not real life.

Life is lived on the side of my mountain each day. Have you ever looked at a mountain from a distance and been able to see paths and trails and roads that go up and down, or maybe go across or even zig zag the mountain from top to bottom. That is the life I lead, roaming from top to bottom and all around. There may have been times on my mountain when I felt lost, but honestly I was never truly lost, just slightly turned around or disoriented. Maybe even walked down the same path one too many times and for some paths they are well worn and marked by my footsteps. I have tumbled down some mountains in my life, like the day in Guatemala in 1992 when I was trekking one of those zig zagging trails and tripped and fell through the brush down to the next level of the path. That stumble scared me and caused me to pause and look more closely at the terrain around me.

Ok too much allegory for some of you I am sure! Heck it feels a bit over kill to me. But I am trying to make a point. Life is not about the good days or even the bad days, it is about the days in between when we are just living and trying to survive and make sense of it all. Do I spend too much time trying to make sense of it all, oh yeah, way too much time! How much time do you spend? I have my favorite places to stop and ponder on my mountain as I try and figure it all out. HA…is that possible I ask? Somedays I would lie in my favorite hammock and ask the who, what, where, when, why and how questions of my life. But for what purpose were those questions asked? To learn from past success and failures? Does the past matter in the here and now? Oh geez here he goes being all philosophical again! Which is my point! (You are asking what is the point right?)

Just the other day I was driving and all of sudden I thought about a pivotal moment in my life where I made a significant life decision that didn’t turn out at all like I thought it would and started playing the, “What If” game. I was astounded at how far I allowed myself to imagine what life might have been had I made a different decision in that moment in time. I went on to determine that there were other clear crossroads in my journey that were clear markers of significance that changed my life beyond anything I ever thought possible. I was able to come up with four distinct moments in time that clearly changed the direction of my life. It became so clear for me as I allowed myself to think and consider! Then it occurred to me, that I would most likely have still ended up right where I am today! Some of you might be saying in response to my conclusion, “Or not!” And you are right, “Or not!” I will never know.

It is easy for us to play devil’s advocate and dream and imagine the different paths and sojourns our life could have taken had we turned left instead of right. Yet I know that I am where I am now as a result of choices made, both good and bad, and that how I move forward from here is up to me. It is not dependent on my soon to be ex-wife, my kids, the judge, President Obama or even Donald Trump. It is up to me and where I continue to place my focus and my trust as I continue to explore my mountain life.

I guess that makes me a mountain man, how is that for a mental image. Rugged jeans, flannel, scruffy beard and long hair and my boots (can’t forget my boots). Standing there on the porch of my cabin which sits near a lake on a hillside that overlooks the valleys low and gives me a clear view of the mountain highs I know I am not alone! Many days the life of this mountain man feels lonely yet I know I am not alone! The spirit of the ever living Creator of my mountain stands within me to guide me and keep me!

So again you are asking what my point is. Here is my point. My journey has brought me to a place of what could clearly be one of the lowest valleys I have ever experienced. I might lose my kids and only be able to see them a few hours a week. You know how I feel about my kids and how I treasure my role as daddy, father, pops and dad, yet it is being minimized and dismissed right before my own eyes. It makes no sense, not one IOTA! Yet it could very well happen but I will not allow the valley to suck me in. You see my point is that no matter what happens in this situation I don’t know what will happen until it actually does! I don’t know what will happen after the final ruling is made and what other factors might affect the situation as a whole. The variables of this situation are many and as I stand on the front porch and look and pray for a mountain top moment, I have to stay here and hold my ground here on my mountain and stand firm and know that my Creator has my backl my sides, and my front!

Here is what I know today…

1)      I want a real cabin on a mountain someday!

2)      I don’t really like to wear flannel, makes me itchy!

3)      My creator God is awesome and has His hands all of over this situation and I have to stand firm and trust in Him whether I am on the porch, on the peak or down in the foggy glen.

4)      I love my kids so much it hurts.

5)      It is not over until it is over, I will never stop fighting for my kids! 

DEMO DAY!

For those of us who are dreamers and schemers and in some cases even doers in the world of home renovations and garden makeovers and all that is HGTV and DIYTV you will recognize my new favorite shirt. Fresh off the presses at Magnolia Farms in Waco, Texas. Chip Gaines loves a great Demo Day and I couldn’t help but order one of these shirts for myself. Why you ask? First of all, it is just a cool shirt and very comfy I might add. Secondly, who doesn’t like and enjoy Demo Day! You get to break it, kick it, pound it, throw it, toss it, just kill the living snot out of anything that is in your way on Demo Day! What does not sound fun about that? Show me an American Male (and even some females) who would not enjoy that kind of recreational activity, even one as unusual as myself. I can get dirty! I can swing a hammer (as long as it doesn’t have to be right on the head of the nail). I am not opposed to wearing those cool looking safety goggles especially with my shorter hair style they can’t do as much damage to my Demo Day doo.

As I was going about my morning running errands and vainly admiring my cool new shirt I started pondering the fascination that we have with Demo Day and all things demolition. My mind began to churn on the concept of destroying something for a purpose whether it be to rebuild, get it out of the way or to just start over. It occurred to me that I have spent the majority of my life either protecting what I have built or I have demolished what I have built. Here recently it is as though I have been demolishing a lot of things in my path. Whether it be relationships, walls, furniture, finances, etc. Whatever does not seem to fit in my world right now I have been on one gigantic Demo Day extravanganza!

Further thought took me to the idea of some things I have learned from God Himself. How many times in the scriptures do we read thoughts such as the following? In Isaiah 57:14, And it will be said: “Build up, build up, prepare the road! Remove the obstacles out of the way of my people.” God Almighty is not opposed to setting things aside for our benefit. He is also not opposed to calling us to demolish things out of our way in order to accomplish the will for our respective lives. He would rather we tear it all down and start over then continue to do it in a way that does not reveal His true will for our lives. Even in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” He doesn’t want to continue to build things in our life that our like those of everyone else around us. I think that is one reason we are so fascinated by what they can do on those great Demo and Rebuild shows, they create new landscapes and textures and spaces that are new and not just like everyone else. Isn’t that how He himself created each of us. To be the unique version of who He has called us to be. Sometimes we just have to be willing to have a good old Demo Day and start anew

One of my all time favorite verses in the scriptures is from 1 Peter 2:9 where it refers to us as a “a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special (also read as unique) people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” I am chosen and royal and holy and special and unique according to the way He created me, just the way I am. My favorite word is unique/special and I even heard some versions say peculiar. I love that peculiar! If you know me you gotta know that word fits me perfectly! I am drawn to peculiar people and peculiar people are drawn to me and sometimes I think Lord, why me? Why me?

I have a bit of a bold and overwhelming personality at times, and I think that throws people off at times, especially at a time in our culture when it is all about being polically correct. Given my career path and choices as a foster adoptive parent I have played the PC games, but not any more! Those days are over. In Jeremiah 1:10 he says he appoints me over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant. We are not designed to accept the status quo, part of walking in the spirit of the Living God is to have a Demo Day Spirit! To put your Demo Day shirt on, flex your arm muscles, grab your designer safety goggles and tear down those things that are in the way of God’s plans for His people. As a result I am just peculiar enough to say time for Demo Day Dude and encourage those in my life to try again!

When we have completed our demo and started working on the rebuilding and renewing what was into what should be, He promises in Jeremiah 31:4 that “I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful.” Not only will He do what He promises but he says to celebrate it. Have a party celebrate the efforts of your work for it is not done in vain if done if according to His will and indeed shall be blessed.

It is interesting to me that I have taken this blog post in a different direction than I typically do in my writings, but for everything there is a time…..as you recently read from me! I don’t normally preach and quote scripture as it has never been my thing to do. I have hidden the word in my heart that it will carry me in days of darkness and it surely has! Yet it all just came rolling together as I was thinking about Demo Day and my cool new shirt and why I felt such an urge to get this shirt. Lord knows I don’t need another shirt, but this one has a meaning I didn’t completely acknowledge until I started meditating on the why! I like how things unfurl in such unusual ways.

This post has encouraged my own soul today as I rally in the midst of a rainy and damp, which does not do this body good! It also reminds me that as I continue down my own path of renewal towards final divorce, potential housing changes, kids starting summer break, etc  that the Demo Day process I am in right now is where I am supposed to be, as the day is quickly coming that I can truly start to rebuild and plant a new a life for my kids and I. In Thessalonians it reminds us to “encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” So even on this my Demo Day (must be true I got the shirt) I hope I have shed some encouragement on you as well!

This is what I know today…

1)      I love to demolish things!

2)      I am mildly dangerous with tools! Ok mildly might be an understatement!

3)      His ways are not always my ways!

4)    I am PECULIAR!  

4)      I am blessed!

By the grace of God....

In my post from yesterday I shared with you a mantra that I hold to. "By the grace of God I am a man of truth committed to integrity while living the adventure of a lifetime!" I indicated that some of you may think it is a joke to see words such as "truth" and "integrity" associated with me given events that led to the destruction of my marriage. I created that mantra during a very special experience that occurred several years before the separation and divorce became a reality. Looking back it is not surprising that during that intense time of sef reflection that I created my mantra to include those words. As those were words I ascribed to live by but frequently failed in those areas.

Today, May 12th is a day of significance for me and for many others I hold dear! Nine years ago on this day I became married to a woman for the first time. At 38 years old it was something I was convinced would never happen and yet there I stood at the front of the sanctuary watching her walk radiating down the aisle on her father's arm. It could not have been a more perfect day on just about every level. Yet as I sit here reflecting on the happenings of that day I do so with a sense of bitter sweetness. I truly believed at that time that I was doing the right thing and that I was in love with this woman. I was raised to believe this was God's design, what could go wrong, yet were there warning signs back then? Did I chalk those signs up to butterflies and nervousness about all the changes that were going on for both of us?

Since the initiation of our separation back in December 2014 I have often wondered what I would do differently to avoid all the pain and hurt my actions caused that led up to her decision to walk away. I have to admit that she did extend grace and forgiveness even before she came to her decision to separate and I appreciate her willingness to do that for me, for our family. It was clearly something I did not deserve as I did not exercise good judgement, did not tell the truth, I was not a man of integrity and I did not honor the vows I made to her on that day 9 years ago. I have apologized to her many times and I take this opportunity to apologize to those of you who were there that day to support us.

While divorce is never easy, I want to publicly acknowledge that she and I have continued to work very closely in the way we raise our children. We may disagree on other issues involved with divorce, but in managing our children and doing what is in their best interest we are typically always on the same page. When you are co-parenting five children who are very unique and most of the time high demand we knew we had to make it work. While our children have had their struggles with the separation and divorce we have done everything in our power to ease the turmoil and interruption to their day to day life. This can be challenging in the midst of our own mix of feelings towards one another. I am still blessed that she is working with me and not against me in terms of our children.

It is my hope and prayer that as the divorce finalizes in the next few weeks (I hope) we can move forward as friends as there are many things that I truly enjoy about her. I also want to acknowledge and thank her for indulgence and patience as I have continued to bring challenging scenarios into my life and the kids and as a result hers as well. While the paper may say divorced, we are permanently connected by virtue of our children and the support they need. There is not a day that goes by that does not require a phone discussion or face to face discussion regarding one child or another or maybe all five in one day (YIKES) and how to move forward with a challenge or opportunity. It would be a lie to say that at times we don't get irritated and frustrated with each other during those discussions, but we work it out.

Someone asked me the other day, if I knew then what I knew now, would you still have gone through with the marriage. I had no good answer as I truly thought I was doing the right thing that day and it seemed like the right thing to do. There were many wonderful times during our marriage and I truly enjoyed creating a family with her. So I can't answer that question without discounting the fact that four of my chidren would not be in my life had it not been for our marriage. I can't discount the relationships that were initiated and built in my own life as a result of her connections. She was a good wife in many ways and was always the first to acknowledge my strengths and tell others how she felt about me. It is with regret that I wish I had done more of that myself toward her.

So since the separation was initiated I have been constantly challenged by the reality that is "Truth" and "Integrity" and I continue to be mindful and conscientious of those aspects of my life. I do feel I have made progress in those area but I am not there, wherever there is! In the coming days I will delve more into the idea of Truth and Integrity and what they mean to me as a man of faith!

So this is what I know....
1) By the grace of God I am a man of truth committed to integrity while living the adventure of a life time.
2) I am not there yet, the journey is not over, nor do I suspect it ever will be this side of heaven.
3) I still care about my soon to ex-wife and have no ill will toward her. I still call on my children to honor her and bless her on a daily basis. That is my main job in terms of supporting her now! She is the mother of my children and I will always support those relationships.
4) I am carrying bittersweet today in my heart, but that is ok and normal.

I Know the Sound of Suffering....Quiet

I am sure many of you are aware of my abilities and disabilities. Each day these opportunities and limitations affect my life. These issues have been the forefront of my thoughts the past few days. I am not one to talk a lot about my limitations as I have tried hard not to allow my physical limits to stop me from living life to the fullest. (Sky diving, traveling the world, having kids, driving fast on country roads, cruises, and etc.)

One of my great mantras in life is as follows, "By the grace of God I am a man of truth and integrity while living the adventure of a lifetime." Some of you may have just laughed when reading those words in reference to me! Believe me there have been days when I have done the same. Yet I am not above human err! I humbly and even at times begrudgingly take responsibility for my faults and strive to learn from where I have not met the mark, especially in the areas of truth and integrity! But more on that later.

Today I ended up in the Emergency Room again to try and get some answers to the age old question I have carried with me my entire life, "What is wrong with me now?" For the past few weeks I have been having serious bouts of lower back pain which slowly ebbed into my hip and groin and in the past few days is now migrating to my upper thigh and knee....all on the left side. I have had multiple chiropractic adjustments since this all began with little or no relief. Let me assure this is of no reflection on my amazing chiropractor Dr. Sonia. Yet she is smart enough and willing to acknowledge when what she is doing to help me is not enough and agreed with me that I needed to see an orthopedist for further evaluation. For those of you in mid-Missouri go see Dr. Sonia at Health Quest in Jefferson City, you won't be sorry you did! Ok commercial break is over!

Several phone calls later I have an appointment with an orthopedist to get the process started yet again. Can't get in for a couple of weeks but I am scheduled. Yet when I awoke this morning and could barely move without tingling and pain I knew I had to do something sooner than later. I got the kids off to school and headed to my favorite ER at Capital Region...another great institution I might add. Sadly I have earned quite a few frequent flyer miles there over the past few years. I haven't figured out how to turn my miles at the ER into miles towards free airline tickets. Hmmmm... maybe the Donald can work on that once he hits the oval office.

They gave me 3 big needles straight in the hip......that was fun....yikes those were big and deep. Did an xray on my back to find nothing out of the ordinary for a 47 year old man, which I suspected would be the case. Insurance wouldn't approve an MRI (which is what I really needed) unless it was life threatening so now I wait to get an order from my primary doctor to go get an MRI. Oh the hoops I enjoy jumping through when I can barely move as it is. The good news is that my doctor has learned I know my body well and most likely wont make me come in for a visit but will order the MRI based on my request. I am grateful as that will expedite the process. The good thing about the ER trip was I got some great mood altering lay me flat on the bed medications to ease the pain and help me rest. It was a nice afternoon.

Sharing all this information with you is not an attempt to gain sympathy (but added prayers are always good), but rather to give you all a broader understanding of what people with chronic illness deal with on a daily basis. For those of who us may not present ourselves with obvious indicators of chronic illness we are even more at risk for receiving skepticism.When some find out I am on disability and cannot work anymore. I even had the joy (read disappointment) of explaining this situation to my 17 year old son the other day who accused me of being lazy and being unwilling to work so he can have more stuff and money. I had to explain the Social Security system and how for 25+ years I contributed to SS through my earnings. I had to explain to him that money was put aside by me and held by the government for such a time as this in my life. If it wasn't for that I don't know where we would be right now. Oh I know, and my parents are ever so grateful for the Social Security system. So while the Social Security system may have issues and many may abuse it, for me it is a God send and being used for its original intent in my life. Hopefully my wonderfully smart son will understand that someday, I just hope it is soon. HA!

On days when it is damp, cold, rainy, or even humid my pain levels can be off the chart. Those are the same days I push through and

• Take kids to school
• Attend school meetings
• Drive two hours to visit a child who is residing in a facility so he can come home soon and thrive (did I mention driving is the most pain inducing activity I can participate it)
• Go to the grocery
• Cook the meals
• Carry laundry up and down the stairs
• Try to keep this house somewhat clean
• And oh so much more.....

Then there are the days where there is no getting me to move as I am so weary and tired from pushing through the pain. I truly believe that pushing through the pain and living daily life  with pain is more tiring then just dealing with the pain alone. It is an emotional and spiritual battle that is nearly a constant in my spirit and mind. I try very hard to leave some energy in my tank so I can spend quality time with my kids when they are here, but many times I feel I am failing as I am so tired and get frustrated with myself that I can't do what I want for and with my kids.

Then starts the "bad dad" self inflicting guilt trips. The past couple of weeks have been a struggle indeed and in some cases I have failed miserably. I am blessed that Julie (my soon to be ex-wife and I) are still able to communicate and make good choices for our kids and support one another as needed through the parenting process. We both recognize when we have had enough and need a break even as a couple going through a divorce we see it in each other and offer support. Not only does it support us, it supports our kids and helps them see we are still a united front as their parents.

Admittedly there are many days I spend alone and without much contact with the outside world. It can be overwhelmingly silent at times, but I have and continuing to learn how to handle that silence in healthy ways. Those are the days I refer to as my "Silent Days of Suffering", don't they sound fun? If you ever wanna join me let me know! Again this is not a woe is me post, but rather helping others recognize what it is like to live with quiet chronic illness. I have had people say to me, "oh just get off your butt and get busy and you will be fine!" Honestly there are days there may be some truth to that, but not often! If you truly know me you know I am not a sit around and do nothing kind of guy! I love this one. "Just give it all to God He will be there for you!" You know what I hear when folks say that, "So what do you want me to do about it I ain't got time for your crap!" I am preaching to me on that one as well. I know God is always with me, yet in His perfect wisdom He has taught me to use my abilities and limitations as opportunities for growth and maturity. He is not the cause of my infirmities, but rather they are the result of living in a world that is messed up! 

Is He testing me through these seasons? He might be but when a teacher gives you a test they don't usually talk to you, do they? "Everything happens for a reason," is another one of those wonderful clichés we throw around, but I actually believe it to be true. Basically this is akin to the idea of, "To everything there is a season

A Time for Everything - Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:1-8

1 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

I have definitely have seasons in my life of all the descriptors listed above! Therefore I believe having Silent Days of Suffering is not all bad! The key is not have too many of them side by side.

It is true we may never know the battles our family members and friends might be dealing with on given day. Let us be cautious to not ascribe judgement and motive to other's actions when it may just be a "Silent Day of Suffering" from them which is best met with grace, time and a smile!

All of this to say, my body is failing me lately and it is affecting my ability to parent my kids when I need them most. I am doing everything in my power to get through this season yet not letting it stop me for the purpose of being there for my kids when they need me. Though I find when needed they can be there for me. This happened last night during a particular intense episode of pain.

AJ: What's wrong Daddy?
Daddy: I am hurting and my booboos are making me have lots of pain.
AJ: Here daddy sit down and I will hold your hand. (yelling near my ear) Lexi come here daddy needs us. (Lexi runs in all the while I am grimacing trying to down play the pain).
Lexi: Daddy what's wrong.
Daddy: I just need a few minutes to sit here and rest so the pain might go away
Lexi: Ok dad we will take care of you now. AJ go get daddy a can of coke, a really really cold one.
AJ: Got it (runs to the kitchen)
Lexi: Daddy you want me to get you some ice for your back.
Daddy: Sure honey that would be great. (Lexi takes off and passes AJ en route)
AJ: Here is your coke Daddy, is it cold enough.
Daddy: I am sure it is fine buddy.
AJ: I am going to rub your back for you daddy (and rubs my back tenderly and cautiously)
Lexi: (Returning with the ice pack) Here ya go daddy
AJ: Not there Lexi, I am rubbing his back there. Put it somewhere else.
Lexi (A little louder) No this is where it needs to go.
AJ: (even louder) Move Lexi I am taking care of Daddy!
Daddy: (trying to intervene before it gets physical) Ok you two have done so many nice things for daddy, I am better and so appreciate you taking care of me. But I think I got it now! Go ahead and go back outside and play
AJ: Yay,,,,,c'mon Lexi lets go find those turtLes again.
Lexi: Ok bye dad,,,,call us if you need us for anything.
AJ: Ya dad we are here for you, but after we find our turtles.

They turn and run out of the room as fast as they can the front door closing loudly behind them with their priorities clearly in order! The exchange lasted a minute or two at best, but I was touched at the moment of compassion they extended towards me. It gave me hope. So maybe one of the benefits of my situation is it gives opportunity to teach my kids some things about life.

So here is what I know....
I have a silent chronic illness that at times puts me down for a day or two and on rare occasions for much longer.
That others need to recognize that we can't always know what is going on with someone else who may be having an off day. Rather than being hurt or upset lets extend grace, maybe a listening ear and definitely a smile.
I am not a "bad-dad" and I do the best I can for my kids and I have faith that God is going to see them through.
That I am blessed that I am able to here for my kids at this time of their lives, even it is from the sidelines at times. I love being a dad and wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have an awesome Chiropractor......she has become a good friend!
And finally that sometimes good medications can do a body good! Kind of like milk!

Caution Children At Play....Caution Relationships At Work

Today I spent the day going to garage sales, managing my online garage sale business and being creative in the garage with all my good finds. It was one of those beautiful spring days when the sky was as blue as can be, the sun shone so bright, and temperature was perfect along with a nice breeze to help you float through the day. There were no phone calls from a single school (say what?) no seriously that is a feat in my life right now. It was truly a pleasurable day the only thing missing was sharing the day with someone else.

As I was going about my day the theme of my thoughts was that of relationship! Relationship I have to the world around me and the people therein. I was at one series of garage sales on this particular street and was struck by how the folks having the sales at the various homes were so friendly and kind and encouraging all the shoppers to check all the other sales up and down the block. I walked away from that set of sales wondering what kind of neighborhood that must be as the houses were different and the folks therein were just as different yet there was a sense of community that easily felt by those of us who were privileged to enter into their enclave for just a bit. This neighborhood was one I had never been in before (which is saying something given the size of Jeff City) but I was pleasantly surprised by this hidden gem nestled in the valley of one of our many hills.

Driving away I became thankful for the neighborhood in which I live and have relationship to on a daily basis. While the cars passing down our street have a tendency to drive too fast, I am so blessed by life here at “Ballard on the Green”, my nick name for the place I have called home for the past eight years. I know many of the neighbors by name and enjoy the comings and goings of the regulars. Every morning I see a gentleman who is surely in his 80’s as he walks by with his withered walking stick. He always raises his cane in greeting when he sees me or the kids, which is usually at 7:05 as we wait for the bus. Then we have the man who walks twice a day with his golden retriever named Callie. I only know Callie by name as my kids have made it their business to know every dog’s name that passes our house. Callie’s owner is always so polite and thoughtful to the kids and always gives a hearty hello as we pass one another. Then we have house right across the street where the activity is pretty constant as there is one young woman who lives full time in the house and then a variety of other folks who seem to come and go on a regular basis. It is interesting to me how much stuff can come and go in the back of a flatbed trailer and a pickup! This same house is blessed to have Nash (the great dane) as one of its inhabitants. Nash does not ever mean any harm, but when he gets loose and comes running over with his big black paws and huge tongue flapping you should see the kids go running for cover. Now this dog would never hurt anyone and is sweet as can be, but to the kids around these parts he is a wild horse that is bigger than they are.

Then that brings to me my own kids and dogs as I am sure they have made a significant impact on the neighborhood as a whole. The Ballard Bunch in addition to the brood next door number about 10 kids on any given day ranging from age 1 to 21. I am sure people when they drive by must think we must be some kind of group home or orphanage, though they would be wrong, it sure feels like it some days!

On the days when all the kids are out it is anything but peaceful. I can only hope and pray that the neighbors are blessed by the sounds of happy (mostly) children in the background. I can also pray that these same neighbors turn a deaf ear to the drum splitting screams of a child who was just the victim of another child’s errant fist or bicycle wheel that crushed their foot which will surely prevent them from ever walking backwards again (these are true sentiments people). Then there are the sounds of parental voices calling serendipitously to their children to come in for dinner after all we model our lives like the Cleavers and Nelsons. NOT! Honestly it feels more like I am one of the castaways who were voted off SURVIVOR Island during a tribal council of all of the children. Somedays it is all about strategy in how to get the kids in the house when the day is done without a temper tantrum on the front lawn from a kid and somedays even a parent.  Our house has also been known to be frequented by the police from time to time! I know right???? Don’t ask – what happens on the Meadow stays on the Meadow! So needless to say I have relationship with some great law enforcement officers in this town.

 

 

My four legged dogs have a tendency to want to get out and play. I have been so blessed in that every time those little Scotties have flown the coop that a kind neighbor has captured them and let us know that Maggie and Duncan have gone on a walkabout once again. Not to mention the fact that my darling pooches have their moments of extreme barking from the backyard. You know the old phrase, “Seen and not heard.” Well Maggie and Duncan cannot be seen from their posts in the backyard so they have made it their mission to be heard!

 

The kids have found a trail from our backyard down the creek past two other houses to a lovely grotto of trees where the creek tends to form a pool of very shallow water which somehow always manages to get their entire lower body soaked (whether it be January or July)! This oasis of water is behind the home of one dear older lady who has always been so kind to the kids. The kids love going down and talking to Miss Gloria and if they are lucky their granddaughter who is in high school is there and plays with them. Ms. Gloria always speaks to them and on more than one occasion has stopped and left a bag of fresh fruit or a box of cheerios on our doorstep! It is so cute, she obviously subscribes to the group home theory! LOL

All these neighborhood connections remind me of the one neighborhood I spent the longest in as a child. That would be over in Glendale (St. Louis suburb) on Nancy Carol Lane which we lived for four and half years, the longest we lived anywhere when I was growing up. There was Bill and Cindy a brother and sister that lived two doors up. Then Gretchen lived across the street and down two houses with her brother Bryan and then further down the street was a girl named Catherine. I remember during a series of snow days we would take turns eating lunch at each other’s homes. Don’t know why that sticks out for me, but it does. The other thing that sticks out was the day I was riding behind Gretchen on her bike and my shoe lace got caught in the chain and we all nearly died, or so we thought. Our house situated on our street towards the bottom of a big hill (I drove down that modest incline recently) and was the perfect place for roller skate races, bike trips and other adventures. It was also on this street that my 5^th grade teacher Mr. Marshall and his wife Beth lived. It was so great having Harley, which we were allowed to call him when not in school, nearby and he was always so friendly. This was the late 70s and early 80’s when male teachers was still somewhat rare, but he was a cool dude, or so we thought! There were two single ladies who lived next door to us and were always kind and friendly and while no one ever said it, I am sure now they were a couple. So funny I never even thought about that until just now. Never once were we worried about what time it was or who might be creeping in the neighborhood. We were safe and we all knew it.

I may be a bit naïve to think our neighborhood here on the Green is safe as life in Glendale was some 35 years ago, but I have come to know who is who and lord knows they all know who we are and where we live! While we may not have blocks parties in the summer and Christmas contests during the winter months I have a fairly strong sense of safety due to the relationships that exists. The brood family next door and I have a great relationship and we are all great friends as our kids tend to come and go between our two houses and yards which is great and I love it. I especially love it when those same kids from the brood walk in to my house without knocking wanting to know where my kids are or if I would kiss their booboo as I am closer than their mom or dad at the moment. Then there are the moments when we have to remind the little boys not to pee and poop outside! Oh the joy of it all!

Relationship is what we make of it. I love the relationship I have with my community here at Ballard on the Green. What are you doing with your neighborhood? Do you know your neighbors? Do they know you? It is the time of year to open the doors and go outside and give a friendly wave or have a casual chat. Stop hiding on the back deck and venture back to the front yard and take a chance on relationship that is right outside your front door which is where you will find me and the brood family watching the kids play and yelling at the cars to slow down as they drive by!