Caution Children At Play....Caution Relationships At Work

Today I spent the day going to garage sales, managing my online garage sale business and being creative in the garage with all my good finds. It was one of those beautiful spring days when the sky was as blue as can be, the sun shone so bright, and temperature was perfect along with a nice breeze to help you float through the day. There were no phone calls from a single school (say what?) no seriously that is a feat in my life right now. It was truly a pleasurable day the only thing missing was sharing the day with someone else.

As I was going about my day the theme of my thoughts was that of relationship! Relationship I have to the world around me and the people therein. I was at one series of garage sales on this particular street and was struck by how the folks having the sales at the various homes were so friendly and kind and encouraging all the shoppers to check all the other sales up and down the block. I walked away from that set of sales wondering what kind of neighborhood that must be as the houses were different and the folks therein were just as different yet there was a sense of community that easily felt by those of us who were privileged to enter into their enclave for just a bit. This neighborhood was one I had never been in before (which is saying something given the size of Jeff City) but I was pleasantly surprised by this hidden gem nestled in the valley of one of our many hills.

Driving away I became thankful for the neighborhood in which I live and have relationship to on a daily basis. While the cars passing down our street have a tendency to drive too fast, I am so blessed by life here at “Ballard on the Green”, my nick name for the place I have called home for the past eight years. I know many of the neighbors by name and enjoy the comings and goings of the regulars. Every morning I see a gentleman who is surely in his 80’s as he walks by with his withered walking stick. He always raises his cane in greeting when he sees me or the kids, which is usually at 7:05 as we wait for the bus. Then we have the man who walks twice a day with his golden retriever named Callie. I only know Callie by name as my kids have made it their business to know every dog’s name that passes our house. Callie’s owner is always so polite and thoughtful to the kids and always gives a hearty hello as we pass one another. Then we have house right across the street where the activity is pretty constant as there is one young woman who lives full time in the house and then a variety of other folks who seem to come and go on a regular basis. It is interesting to me how much stuff can come and go in the back of a flatbed trailer and a pickup! This same house is blessed to have Nash (the great dane) as one of its inhabitants. Nash does not ever mean any harm, but when he gets loose and comes running over with his big black paws and huge tongue flapping you should see the kids go running for cover. Now this dog would never hurt anyone and is sweet as can be, but to the kids around these parts he is a wild horse that is bigger than they are.

Then that brings to me my own kids and dogs as I am sure they have made a significant impact on the neighborhood as a whole. The Ballard Bunch in addition to the brood next door number about 10 kids on any given day ranging from age 1 to 21. I am sure people when they drive by must think we must be some kind of group home or orphanage, though they would be wrong, it sure feels like it some days!

On the days when all the kids are out it is anything but peaceful. I can only hope and pray that the neighbors are blessed by the sounds of happy (mostly) children in the background. I can also pray that these same neighbors turn a deaf ear to the drum splitting screams of a child who was just the victim of another child’s errant fist or bicycle wheel that crushed their foot which will surely prevent them from ever walking backwards again (these are true sentiments people). Then there are the sounds of parental voices calling serendipitously to their children to come in for dinner after all we model our lives like the Cleavers and Nelsons. NOT! Honestly it feels more like I am one of the castaways who were voted off SURVIVOR Island during a tribal council of all of the children. Somedays it is all about strategy in how to get the kids in the house when the day is done without a temper tantrum on the front lawn from a kid and somedays even a parent.  Our house has also been known to be frequented by the police from time to time! I know right???? Don’t ask – what happens on the Meadow stays on the Meadow! So needless to say I have relationship with some great law enforcement officers in this town.

 

 

My four legged dogs have a tendency to want to get out and play. I have been so blessed in that every time those little Scotties have flown the coop that a kind neighbor has captured them and let us know that Maggie and Duncan have gone on a walkabout once again. Not to mention the fact that my darling pooches have their moments of extreme barking from the backyard. You know the old phrase, “Seen and not heard.” Well Maggie and Duncan cannot be seen from their posts in the backyard so they have made it their mission to be heard!

 

The kids have found a trail from our backyard down the creek past two other houses to a lovely grotto of trees where the creek tends to form a pool of very shallow water which somehow always manages to get their entire lower body soaked (whether it be January or July)! This oasis of water is behind the home of one dear older lady who has always been so kind to the kids. The kids love going down and talking to Miss Gloria and if they are lucky their granddaughter who is in high school is there and plays with them. Ms. Gloria always speaks to them and on more than one occasion has stopped and left a bag of fresh fruit or a box of cheerios on our doorstep! It is so cute, she obviously subscribes to the group home theory! LOL

All these neighborhood connections remind me of the one neighborhood I spent the longest in as a child. That would be over in Glendale (St. Louis suburb) on Nancy Carol Lane which we lived for four and half years, the longest we lived anywhere when I was growing up. There was Bill and Cindy a brother and sister that lived two doors up. Then Gretchen lived across the street and down two houses with her brother Bryan and then further down the street was a girl named Catherine. I remember during a series of snow days we would take turns eating lunch at each other’s homes. Don’t know why that sticks out for me, but it does. The other thing that sticks out was the day I was riding behind Gretchen on her bike and my shoe lace got caught in the chain and we all nearly died, or so we thought. Our house situated on our street towards the bottom of a big hill (I drove down that modest incline recently) and was the perfect place for roller skate races, bike trips and other adventures. It was also on this street that my 5^th grade teacher Mr. Marshall and his wife Beth lived. It was so great having Harley, which we were allowed to call him when not in school, nearby and he was always so friendly. This was the late 70s and early 80’s when male teachers was still somewhat rare, but he was a cool dude, or so we thought! There were two single ladies who lived next door to us and were always kind and friendly and while no one ever said it, I am sure now they were a couple. So funny I never even thought about that until just now. Never once were we worried about what time it was or who might be creeping in the neighborhood. We were safe and we all knew it.

I may be a bit naïve to think our neighborhood here on the Green is safe as life in Glendale was some 35 years ago, but I have come to know who is who and lord knows they all know who we are and where we live! While we may not have blocks parties in the summer and Christmas contests during the winter months I have a fairly strong sense of safety due to the relationships that exists. The brood family next door and I have a great relationship and we are all great friends as our kids tend to come and go between our two houses and yards which is great and I love it. I especially love it when those same kids from the brood walk in to my house without knocking wanting to know where my kids are or if I would kiss their booboo as I am closer than their mom or dad at the moment. Then there are the moments when we have to remind the little boys not to pee and poop outside! Oh the joy of it all!

Relationship is what we make of it. I love the relationship I have with my community here at Ballard on the Green. What are you doing with your neighborhood? Do you know your neighbors? Do they know you? It is the time of year to open the doors and go outside and give a friendly wave or have a casual chat. Stop hiding on the back deck and venture back to the front yard and take a chance on relationship that is right outside your front door which is where you will find me and the brood family watching the kids play and yelling at the cars to slow down as they drive by!

 

 

 

A Time to Honor and Remember.....Paul Gibbs

Recently our family lost a loved one due to complications of Alzheimer’s disease which is very sad tragic way to rob an individual of his independence, dignity and finally his life! As a small group of family members and friends gathered to honor and remember Uncle Paul’s 90 years of life I was struck by a variety of thoughts and feelings.

First of all I was saddened by the fact that no matter how hard I tried I could not make the trip to be a part of the small remembering crowd yesterday under the bright blue and sunny skies overlooking a lake in southern Springfield. Health issues, kid issues, timing issues and etc. etc. just kept getting in the way and no matter how hard I tried to make it happen it just wasn’t going to work! My heart was saddened and disappointed by not being able to be there to say a final farewell to a very distinct and beloved member of this family. My feelings ranged from guilt to relief throughout the day yesterday as I thought about my Aunt Marie who was saying a final goodbye to the man she called husband for fifty plus years.

As I went through the process of determining if I could be in attendance it occurred to me that as a society our ability to honor and respect those who have passed has changed so much as we have transitioned to this younger generation. No more do people do everything in their power to attend a funeral or even a visitation. My grandparent’s generation spent a great deal of time and energy managing the death and funeral process. People used to set time aside to honor and respect those who had gone before them. Life stopped for a day or two as they took time manage their grief and sadness and were allowed to do that with by others. Now people are lucky to be able to get an hour or two off to attend a service or visitation session assuming they even see it as a priority. This realization truly set me back. I don’t write this to make anyone feel bad or guilty, but as a retelling of my own journey!

When my brother, Jeff, died when I was 11 years old it was an amazing three days of sadness, healing, loss, laughter, family and most of all love! The night Jeff died, I vividly recall my father entering the room where I was and telling me that, “Jeffy had go to heaven to be with Jesus!” Crawling into his lap to cry silently into his shoulder I felt my father’s love as his own years fell into my hair and it was the greates bonding moment we ever shared as father and son. Within an hour our home was filled with family and friends who came to be with us. I remember the sounds of laughter and sight of loved ones sharing memories and hugs as we all grieved together. My brother’s two year illness had taken a toll on our family as a whole and there was a sense of relief that filled the air that night. Not relief for any of us, but rather relief for Jeff that he was no longer suffering and in pain. Watching my brother suffer though his illness had a profound effect on me as a boy and even now as a man. I thank my parents for the choice they made to allow me to be a part of his illness rather than be shielded from the situation. It has given me mercy and compassion that I am not sure I would have without those experiences. My father tucked me in that cold February 20^th night with the house still full of family and friends. He sat on the side of my bed in the room I had shared with my brother and said a prayer with me as I prepared to sleep and I still remember the tear that streaked down his cheek as he bid me goodnight and it donned on me in that moment that I was his only living child.

The following three days were full of casseroles (blek) and people coming and going and the actual visitation and funeral itself. The day of the visitation I remember not wanting to see Jeff lying in that casket. When I did finally go see him I couldn’t believe it was him and it did not look like my brother to me and I couldn’t look any more. I turned and the only person standing there was our pastor and he held me in his arms and let me cry. We sat down and he just let me get it all out. After that initial moment of grief I felt my own personal relief and was able to view the remaining hours of the wake as a party as my cousins, friends and I explored the funeral home. Hey I was 11 and my parents and I were the center of attention and I pretty much got anything I wanted and I got to ride in a limo!

My grandparents used to attend the funeral or wake of family members or friends without fail and even attended those of friends and family of friends and families that they might not have even known well. I used to think as a child that they were just being nosey and didn’t have enough to do, but as an adult I say, “Shame on me for thinking such a thing!”  Kudos to Nanny, Pappaw and Gram others of their generation who took time to honor and remember and to be there for ones most lost in grief. I admit I have failed in this area in my life, and from this time forward that will change.

The ability to deal with one’s own grief and sadness at the passing of a loved one is an entire separate field of study within psychology and I have to wonder the following. Has our society’s willingness to allow other things to be more important than to honor, respect and grieve our losses created a society that cannot appropriately process loss and grief? In return has this transformation fed into the reality that our society is more disconnected than ever before.

I cannot go a single day without thinking about those who have gone on before me. Whether it is my brother, Jeff, Nanny, Gram, Pappa, Aunt Jeanne, Aunt Judy, Uncle Jerry, Aunt Martha and now Uncle Paul and others who have touched my life in such powerful ways. I remember these characters of my life story with fondness and find myself smiling and aching to hear the sound of their voices or laughter. As those sounds echo in my soul I thank God for allowing those characters to play a role in my life! Without each of those folks I would not be who I am today. As each of these individuals passed from this life to the next I have been privileged to take time and honor and celebrate each of their lives! This blog entry serves as my special remembrance and moment of honor to Uncle Paul.

A few words about this man, who was a bit of a mystery, enigma, paradox, hmmmm, let’s just suffice it to say he was “something!” Millard Paul Gibbs was born into a God fearing family of faith and he was surrounded by love and faith his entire life. He endured great tragedy and provided great mercy and compassion to those he cared about. He met his wife and helped her heal and grow beyond her own past and hurt. Though he was never to have children of his own, we all knew who those special folks (Mojo) were in his life that were like his own children. I love that they together were foster parents to several children during the late 60’s and early 70’s, which of course is one of my own passions. This man knew the Way, the Truth and the Life! He knew scripture inside and out and there was no other team but the St. Louis Cardinals. He loved his Boston Terriers (Dusty, Spooky and Tag) and he could walk miles in a day (right Jay)! He never appeared to be afraid of anything, especially when dangling from precarious positions atop a ladder!

One of the interesting things about him was that he was not self-exalting and in many ways very humble and avoided the limelight at all costs right down to always holding his hand up to the camera when someone said “Cheese!” Who doesn’t have a picture of Uncle Paul with the famous hand blocking his face! The greatest example of this characteristic was that he spent two years in active military service during WWII but yet never talked about it. I didn’t even know this until a few years ago! I truly believe that he never spoke of it as he did not feel his service as a mechanic or office staff was not as significant as those he knew who lost their lives on the front line. Now any one of us would gladly recognize that his contributions helped keep America safe, but given the man he was it is likely he wasn’t going to take credit for something that couldn’t even compare to those who lost their lives!

Uncle Paul (or Aunt Millie as I liked to teasingly call him) loved a good joke and had a nick name for many of his loved ones. I admit I will miss him calling me Brockalene! Ohhhh how I used to hate that. If he had a hose nearby we all learned to steer clear and on the flipside sit and watch all of us young’uns try and sneak up on him with a hose when he wasn’t looking and to gently remind those youngun’s that his payback were always worst, just ask Sheila. One of my fondest memories is watching my oldest son, Squirter (Courtney), as he would try time and time again to get one up on Uncle Paul. He was no respector of age, it wasn’t just the kids he would get with the hose, and he would even go after the older folks which was always a blast for us young folks to see in action. Watching the older folks go a running from the hose and screamin’ and hollerin’ all the way amidst laughter. These are the memories that make me smile and even lose a tear from time to time.

One of the most tender moments I have of Uncle Paul is when he was advancing in his years and in the disease and was already living in a memory care unit and my 2^nd oldest son, Will, and I were there to visit him. I think all the kids were there that day, but Will stepped up and started talking to Uncle Paul and even convinced him to sit down and play some tunes on the organ. On another day, Will took Paul on a walk down the alley behind my parent’s home and around the block. It was ordinary moment for both of them, but for many of us watching it was a tender moment that we will never forget. Even in the later years Uncle Paul had a way with those who were hurting most. I am grateful that he never shunned my children but accepted them and loved them for who they are! I don’t know why but Uncle Paul and Will were a good match the two of them. I am sad that they weren’t able to develop that relationship into something deeper.

There are so many more things I could say about this man yet the most important thing I can say is that he loved God first and foremost and loved Aunt Rea and did anything he could to keep her happy and for that I am thankful. I am proud to call him Uncle and know he is playing that heavenly organ and I am sure in charge of the hose up there. So when you get there and see a man with a hose! I know one thing.....you better RUN!

All this to say, as we enter into the days of the month of May, which holds Memorial Day in the U.S. and the Day of Remembrance in Israel (honoring those lost in the Holocaust) let us not forget those we have lost and those who may still be hurting as a result of those losses. Let us not be ashamed to share with someone else that we are sad and hurting as the result of losing a loved one. Take time and remember and share those memories with someone else. Better yet ask someone to share a special memory of someone that has gone before them. Let us not forget…I KNOW I WON'T!

5 Lessons of 2015!

Today is December 30, 2015, and like most, I find myself being somewhat reflective and nostalgic about the past 12 months. What is it about the end of a year that causes our hearts and minds to want to stop and reflect and think back on what has happened in recent months? Can it be that we just don't take the time and truly reflect and meditate on what our life has been consumed by in the moment? Is it possible that we get ourselves so wrapped up in the day to day minutiae that we choose to ignore those quiet callings to come and sit and reflect and meditate on what is? Maybe it is the after Christmas let down! That time when the gifts are all unwrapped, the cardboard boxes are all shoved in the recycling bins, the left overs are starting to even look less enticing and we find ourselves just sitting and pondering! Pondering out of sheer exhaustion or just mental weariness with it all! Trying to find that inner strength and peace that will help us step into the new year and all that is ahead, both known and unknown! I say all that to share some of my musings and ponderances as I sit and enjoy the quiet and stillness of my home.

1) This year has taught me to live in the moment and not be so caught up in planning and having it all figured out all the time. For months I prepared to move out of this house and prepared accordingly to move into my next home. I packed all of my personal possessions, moved some things into storage and started looking at houses and quickly settled into a prolonged period of limbo while living in a house that will belong to the mother of my children when all is said and done. I kept waiting for that magical day when the judge would say it is done now go about your life and move! That day came several times this year but those words were never spoken. About 8 weeks ago, I was jarred from my limbo sleep and noted that I had stopped living and enjoying my daily life as I was too busy waiting for the next step. Steeped in disappointment and frustration, I realized that I was living in the next step and that I needed to own it and take charge of it. So that is what I did. I stopped living for the next step and started living for the now. I rearranged things in the house, I stopped living like I was living in her house, when in fact I was living in my family's home and that changed things immensely for me. From that point forward I was able to greet life with a new purpose and a new delight in each day rather than waiting for the NEXT! So instead of allowing Psalm 94:11 - The Lords knows all human plans;  he knows that they are futile. I am now living by Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans!

2) Parenting is not an easy task by any means. Now if you know my story, you would think I would have figured this out by now. Yet as the Ballard Bunch continues to get older and develop into more human like creatures (yes creatures some days) I am constantly reminded that this parenting thing is hard. Whether it is the 16 year old who refuses to talk to me or come out of his room for days on end except for school and food or maybe it is the 7 year old I have discovered has become very adept at being sneaky and struggling with telling the truth without me even realizing, it is never boring! Let me say, PARENTING IS A CHOICE! A lot of folks out there choose not to parent their children or do it in such a way that it places those children at risk! I conscientiously CHOSE TO BE A PARENT to each of my five kids. Five times I stood before a judge and promised to care for each of my children and I would do it again in a heart beat! Even if I had the foreknowledge of things to come and how hard some days would be I would do it again! Each day I remind myself as I parent my kids, if not I, then who would parent the Ballard Bunch kids? Praying for my kids is something I do A LOT of! Many times those prayers are uttered on the fly and other times I have spoken or written specificprayers for my children individually and collectively. If I don't do that then I have already lost them. On the days when I don't see how things are going to get better for one of my kids I go back to Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future! This is the destiny for my children!

3) Stuff is just that - STUFF! As I have worked to legally end my marriage and deal with all the details of splitting a household, I just have to say I don't care about stuff anymore. It is just that! STUFF! Sure there are certain things I would like to have as I move on, but honestly, none of it is worth dying on a hill for! Most who know me, are aware that I have historically been attached to stuff! To my stuff and am a collector of many things (Clothes, Coca Cola, Scottie Dogs, Pictures, Santas, and I am sure there are more) but when I look at those things now I see weight and uselessness! Other than to give me some sort of weird satisfaction of obtaining the rare and hard to find objects for one of my collections they serve no real purpose in my life. Sure they can be nice to look at and somewhat enjoyable to use when I see fit, but really when it is all said and done I can't take it with me to the next realm! I have over the past year gotten rid of so much STUFF in my life and am still annoyed with the amount of stuff I have to contend with. I have watched those Tiny House Nation people on television a number of times and have been envious and thought, "I could never do that!" But honestly I am truly jealous of those people. To not be tied down by a house and too much stuff to fit into the trunk is annoying and so contrary to who God wants us to be. I want to be able to go and do without feeling tied down or trapped. I have a wonderful friend who grew up with a father who was a traveling evangelist and she literally grew up in the back seat of their family car. She often recalls that she had a box or suitcase that was for her personal belongings, toys, books and etc and that was all the room she was allotted. Whenever she was given something new, if it didn't fit she had to get rid of something else as there was just no room. This is quite a foreign concept for many of us, but really what she go in return was a healthy and grateful appreciation for what she has on any given day. Now as an adult she has had many boxes of stuff (I should know I packed them on a number of occasions) and yet she finds perfect contentment in what she has in front of her! She is grateful for what God has given her in that moment. I desire to have the kind of attitude my friend has! Stuff is stuff and while I have made strides in this area, it is my hope and prayer that I continue to whittle down my baggage as I move forward in life.

4) I LOVE MY MOM AND DAD! Most of us were taught to be obedient and honorable towards our mother and father as a child. As we get older and mature the relationship we share with those two people changes and transitions into something different. If you had told me 30 years ago when I was 16, I would still be THIS connected to my parents at age 46, I would have said ok right, whatever you say, in my typically sarcastic fashion. Yet the relationship I share with these two amazing people is wonderful and caring! I know that I know that they will be there for me whenever I need them as they continue to demonstrate that reality frequently. In return, I will be there for them whenever needed, such as the case of my father's recent surgery and recovery process. I still struggle with not being there enough for them as it is. I am blessed in that I live only 2 hours away (depending on how heavy my foot is) so I can get to them quickly as needed. I know that it grates on their nerves when I overstep my bounds as their son and want to be more involved in their business and affairs and medical well-being, yet I take my responsibility as the only child very seriously. I try hard to accept my role as their son in a way that is honorable and respectful to them. While we may not always agree on issues in my life or theirs, we have developed a mutual level of respect for each other. It amazes me the number of people who have been surprised at the level of honesty and respect and care we have for one another as parents and adult children. I hope my kids can have similar types of relationships when they are adults. The dictionary describes honor as a source of credit or distinction! I give them credit for raising me in the way that they did and lets face it they are people of distinction! To know my parents is to love them!

5) I DON"T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS! And I am ok with that. Being out of the day to day world of a career and job has given me a unique perspective. We are taught and encouraged in the work world to know our jobs and know them well! We are challenged to be better and bigger and go for the next level of achievement. We are motivated by various rewards to push beyond our normal limits to achieve more and to meet the bottom line and then some! Oh my heard hurts, just thinking about it all again! When I chose to quit my job and be a stay at home dad, it took me a good year to adjust to that way of life! Not punching the clock, reports, deadlines, mileage logs, etc. I learned to relax and allow life to become full of things that matter! What I finally realized this year as a result of not being under that constant push to learn, do, accomplish more was that I don't have all the answers and that is ok! I was always looking for the right answer even at home. The situation with my 14 year old son is a prime example! Will has been living in a residential treatment facility for a little over 2 years now and honestly it hurts deeply that he has been gone that long. Yes we still see him frequently and he just came home for Christmas for a couple of days and it was good to be with him, yet some revelations came to light for me as a result of his visit. He may never be completely bonded and attached to our family like I would like him to be. He may never see us as his forever family and may always lead somewhat of a distant relationship with us. He may choose to someday return to his birth family resulting in a break with our family. While it hurts to admit these things, it goes to show that no matter what I want for my son (he will always be my son) I don't have all the answers. I would prefer the answers come in pretty little packages that promise that we all lived happily ever after. Yet, I don't know if that will happen, but I pray and hope God will give me the strength and peace to accept whatever comes down the way with him! While we truly don't know what choices Will is able to choose in the future, I know I don't know the answers! I know what I would like the answers to be, but I can no longer keep developing these notions and ideas of what will come of this situation. Answers aren't about me....they are about my GOD!

As I have read through these musings and ponderances I see that the theme for me to latch on too would be making plans and unmaking plans! Whose plans are they to make? When, where and how do I implement plans for the future! Often people will flippantly throw out the phrase, "Not my will Lord, but yours be done!" Do we really mean it when we throw it out there casually in the wind! Are we prepared for what it means to submit to God's plans versus our own? It is my prayer for 2016 that I will step into that reality of living and allow His plans to guide and direct my life accordingly.

I admit as I sit here, I have ideas of what my life might look like a year from now. What I would like to see happen in the next 12 months, but in reality, not something I can completely control! I await and see what the Lord will do! Happy New Years to you all!

The lost boy....

It has been a little over four and a half years ago when Will Andrew Ballard walked into my life. As many of you know that was not his name at the time, he specifically chose this name himself prior to his adoption. As you see his face in these photos you will see many things! Joy, Sadness, Chaos, Peace, Mistrust, Trust and oh the layers his soul contains!

 

 Many of you know his story already and with each passing day his story seems to become more complex. This week marks two years since we made the difficult choice to place him in a residential facility for troubled kids. I never in my wildest dreams thought he would be  gone for so long. Early on during his time away, dealing with the guilt of making that choice was overwhelming yet I was able to develop a new normal, whatever that means. Weekend visits at the facility as well as occasional visits home and weekly phone calls seems to help, but yet I fear we have lost much during this time.

I stop and think that there are pieces of his daily life I know nothing about. That is hard for me as I am typically so involved in the daily comings and goings of all my kids! I do know he has gone from a sie 8 shoe to a size 14 shoe! YIKES! The entire notion of trusting your child's well-being to strangers is very challenging. Reminds me of how birth parents that lose their kids and then have to trust someone else is raising their kids in a way that is healthy! I have the hope of knowing and awaiting his return home, but some times it feels like I may be waiting an eternity.



Will has been heavy on my heart in recent days and while I do not know why, I do know that my prayers for him have been intensified. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is making progress and actually accepting and asking for help when needed. Those things give me hope! I also know that Will has to make his own choices about how he is going to live his life!

Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about the future and when I think about his future, I often pause! We have all heard the tragic stories of kids who have been lost in the system, even after adoption. The kids who have walked away from loving wonderful adoptive families because they do not see themselves worthy of being a part of something so wonderful. Or maybe it is the guilt that they have abandoned their family of origin is too much and they return to them when they become of age! Then we hear the success stories of kids being adopted and having a life that is rich and full and likely a path they could have never traveled had they not been adopted. This leads me to wonder which path Will's feet shall travel in the years ahead.

At the age of 14, this amazing young man with a beautiful smile and caring heart has encountered much. I just wonder if he truly knows what a difference he has made in my life and the many others lives he has encountered since coming into our family. I am not sure he is really the lost boy, but rather it is I who is the lost boy! Lost without my son in my daily life! Lost knowing my son is hurting and growing and I can't be there to comfort him and cheer him on. I am the lost boy in this story.....I am lost not having all my kids under the same roof! I am lost not hearing his boisterous voice echo through the hallways of this home every day!



Yet, I KNOW THIS....Will is not lost!

 I KNOW THIS.....For such a time as this, Will is where he needs to be! I am clear that Will could not have handled the divorce process if he were here.

 I KNOW THIS.....Will is coming home and he will be stronger than before

 I KNOW THIS....Will is a child of God and that means the plans for his life have been established forever and amen!

Please keep Will in your prayers as he continues his journey home!

The End of the End of This...

I find it quite surreal that I am just 2 days away from the legal beginning of the end of my marriage! In less than 48 hours I will be sitting in a court room determining the final outcome of this relationship that has covered the past nine and a half years of my life. It is with bitter sweet emotion that I look back and see the flashes of my marriage....the joys, sorrows, failures, wins, smiles, tears, illness and wellness and the creation of a family that was and is still designed by God.

You may ask how is it still designed by God if it the relationship is over. The marriage is over, but the relationship is not over! We share five beautiful amazing children and as a result we will be in relationship until the day we die as a result of the Fab 5! Clearly we are in a difficult time in our relationship and it may never be what it was in the beginning due to all the happenings of our life together, yet I am confident in this, "that He who began a good work, will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus!" The marriage itself maybe gone and destroyed but who we are as parents is still there and will always be there and that is the tie that will bind us together.

It can honestly be said that we have worked diligently to do what we could to spare our kids heartache and pain over the past 11 months and as hard as we tried it just wasn't possible to shield our children from the pain of our divorce. There is no way! It took me several months to accept the fact that these children are affected and saddened by what is happening to our family. I have seen the evidence in tears, temper tantrums, probing questions of why, bad school grades, visits to therapists, change in behaviors and in many other ways. We have done everything right in terms of keeping the kids out of the disagreements, not using them against each other, communicating daily about the needs of each child, assuring that transitions were handled smoothly and peacefully. Yet it was still not enough to keep any of them from feeling the effects! That fact alone makes me grieve!

While my heart is truly saddened by the end of my marriage and the hurt that has been caused, I am most affected by the fact my children are dealing with such a situation in their young lives. I prided myself for many years by stating to myself, my wife, the kids and the world, that I would never get divorced and yet here I sit at the beginning of the end of the end! I am eating crow and truly disappointed in myself for not being able to be a man of my word on this matter! I wanted more for my children. Will they survive? Yes they will survive but there will be scars that they will carry with them for a lifetime. What will each of them carry with them in regards to relationships with others, their feelings about marriage and divorce, their feelings about promises and broken promises and most importantly their feelings about God Himself! I am not beating myself up about this, but being realistic to the cause and effect relationship of the divorce as a whole! I have forgiven myself for my part of the situation and am working to move forward with the assurance of His Amazing Grace.

As a result of the separation and legal process involved in my divorce I can honestly say I do not know how it will all turn out when the judge is done! I know what I would like to see happen, but truly do not know the final outcome of custody, finances and other factors that are now being left up to His Honor to determine. I find myself wanting to fill up a box of files and documents that prove my points of view that can be submitted as evidence in dramatic television fashion at the last minute to ensure I win. I see myself sitting by my attorney and furiously passing him notes as the witnesses for the plaintiff testify to tell him they are not being completely forthright. I think of myself sitting in the witness box myself giving testimony and looking out and looking into her eyes and seeing the pain and sorrow she is feeling as well! Then I realize this is not about winning! No one wins in divorce! Not about the money, property, belongings or retirement funds or whatever.....it is about getting to the other side with as much dignity and honor in tact as possible. To ensure that the human lives (mostly my children) caught up in this situation are protected and cared for in the best possible way.

Many folks would be very morose and depressed about the situation at this stage of the game and honestly it has been tempting. Yet when it all comes down to it I have assurance that when it is all said and done I will be ok and the kids will be ok and we have a hope and a promise for a future that is full of more smiles, memories, illness, tears, and joy! I see the future as hopeful in many ways and in time I will share more about that, but for now I honor the season in which I am in as I await for the End of the End!

Peace is my goal for the next few days. To be a man of peace and calm and serenity. To remind myself daily or even minute by minute if needed that I am not control at this time! It is completely up to the judge and God Himself how this all works out. So what I KNOW at this time and place as I ponder the end of the end is that I am choosing PEACE!

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you;
not as the world gives do I give to you.
Let your heart not be troubled
and let it not be afraid." 
John 14:27

Spinning and Swinging

This afternoon I had the privilege to take my youngest two kids, Lexi and AJ, to the park to play. It was a cool blustery fall day and I sat there watching them run from swing to slide to spinner and back again. The energy they have is overwhelming and if I could bottle and sell that boundless energy I would be the wealthiest man in the world. You know the energy I am talking about! The kind that allows you to run unhindered and unabashed as you celebrate the honor of life! My heart was warmed as my skin chilled in the cool air watching them play effortlessly without a care in the world (except for when AJ decided to try and stop his sister from spinning with a foot to the head).

They truly were spinning wildly when I captured these images. You can see the smile on Lexi's face here as she experienced the unescapable sense of spinning. What is it about spinning that makes kids go wild and crazy? What is it about that dizzy feeling that causes them to giggle as they struggle to maintain balance when the ride is over? I know some of you could probably toss your cookies just by reading this account and other's of you thrive on the thrill of a good spin. I bravely took a spin on the contraption and quickly realized I was no longer a good candidate for spinning! In less than 30 seconds I had been hurled off stumbling into the grass giggling and laughing myself. My kids watching me and laughing as me as I tried to figure out which way was up!

As I sat back down on the bench it occurred to me that the joy I was experiencing was that of complete abandon! It was clear that in the presence of such abandon that the only thing that fit in that space within me was JOY! What an interesting revelation! In that 60 second span of time I let it ALL go. No worries! No bills! No fears! No what ifs! It was all completely gone from my being and I just allowed myself to enjoy the moment. Literally just a moment! Is it possible that we can enjoy that sense of abandon for more than just a moment at a time? If so, how do we do that? I honestly don't have a definitive answer, but I KNOW! God is a God of the impossible. His ways are not our ways and each day we are given about 67 choices per second, which we process and determine to waste our time and energy on or let it go! Don't get me wrong I am not advocating that we all go around and ignore our daily activities and responsibilities to the point of abandoning those things. Yet, why not allow those things to NOT fill our beings! No more littering of ourselves as a result of life, but rather letting the residual stuff go. I KNOW! Each day is a gift and we have to determine how to best use that gift!

As I apparently left the planet for a few moments as I pondered the abandon issue, I looked up and saw my two amazing kiddos flying through the air by means of the swing! Who doesn't love a good swing! Jump into the seat, grab the chains and start pumping your legs and feel the wind of the moment overtake you! Back and forth and higher and higher and faster and faster! Who doesn't remember that sensation from their childhood? If you don't remember please get to a swing set ASAP!

Hearing the cries of glee as they soared into the sky a little higher with each pump my heart was overwhelmed that I could experience this moment with AJ and Lexi. I KNOW! That some day (all too soon) they will be too big to swing on a swing with me! Which brings me back to the notion of "abandon". As parents are we too absorbed with the protecting of our kids and doing all we can to ensure their health and well-being that we forget to let them have fun. I admit I had a moment when AJ was swinging so high he was nearly even with the top of the swing set and wanted to call out for him to slow it down a bit! But I didn't do that this time. He is clearly at a point in his childhood that living in abandon is mandatory and I chose not to stifle the moment.

Just thinking about having moments of abandon (i.e. pure joy) in life I realized that "somewhere in my youth and childhood" (think Leisl and Kurt) that I lost the ability to access that sense of abandon! Now I am choosing to encourage my children to find their moments of abandon and live in those moments as long as they can. Do you have a crazy Uncle Ed who is just a big kid, always up for a gag, pull my finger, and etc. How many times do we think Uncle Ed needs to get a new schstick and get a grip and grow up. My Uncle Ed used to slide his false teeth out of his mouth just enough to get all my cousins and I screaming and laughing at him. I can stil recall his own laughter as he played with us. He did this for years, but he doesn't do it anymore as I think the superglue he uses finally took hold! (Love Ya Uncle Ed). Yet I can't help but wonder if I don't have simultaneous moments of jealousy of Uncle Ed's abandon to celebrate life and just be a big kid. Instead we have been trained by our culture that such thinking and behavior is not acceptable nor warranted for an adult with responsibilities. Life is short people! Do we have time to not live with abandon! Do you really want to get to your death bed and think about regrets, or rather focus on the celebratory moments you had during your life.

So this is what I KNOW! I am going to start looking for moments of abandon in my life. I am going to start being more intentional in how I see the world around me and let those moments overtake me and hopefully last for more than just a moment. If you see me running through the fields wrecklessly going no where specific. If you see me jump on the swing and see how high I can go. If you see me spinning and then staggering to maintain my balance. If you see me doing anything akin to slightly weird just chalk it up to building up my abandon stamina! And on top of all that I am going to challenge myself to live a life of total abandon to my God. Working to diligently let it go, give it up and pick my battles carefully. Who is with me???????

Signs of a messy kitchen....

Looking around me this morning, I see piles of bills, junk mail, my ever present Sonic cup, my Bible and devotionals and a journal. I can glance to my right to view my kitchen which is far from perfect, but serves its purpose. I see a bag of half eaten cheese puffs that my kids raided on the way to the bus this morning (hey that's just how we roll and we are out of pop tarts). Nearby, the large can of powdered Gatorade is sitting idly on the counter where my oldest left it as he rushed out the door to once again be tardy for his first class with his best friend and driver. One little boy shoe is for some reason jammed under the edge of the lower cabinet and it leaves me wondering, WHY? In case you are wondering, he did indeed have two shoes on when I dropped him off at day care this morning. Right now, the ever growing child has two pair of shoes that actually fit.

I am sure some of you are like, "Dude clean up the kitchen!" or "You need to teach your kids to be more responsible." And while there is truth to both of those statements I see it differently. As I completely assess the environment before me I can only smile as it warms my heart to see the signs of vitality in this house.

There was a day (early parenting days and even some not so early parenting days) when I would have spent my morning chastising my dear children for leaving bags of cheese puffs unopened; none the less, actually allow them to eat them. Or yell at my oldest as he ran out the door about the necessity to be on time for school for a change. And the three year old and his shoes, he is not too young to learn to put things where they go! My way of being was very ordered and required attention to detail at all times and was frequently stressful for my kids and I both.

Yet now my morning included a few moments of meaningful chat with my 11 year old, Lyric, who is by far the messiest child in the house. Being her pre-pubescent female self, I usually get grunts and moans when conversation is attempted in the morning. Did I mention she got on the bus and then made the bus driver stop and wait for her as she ran back into the house to get her binder. I remember the football like play in passing the said binder to her (and no I don't do football). I can still hear her laugh as she caught the binder in her arms (yet another miracle) and ran back out the door.

I was able to have some special cuddle time with my little man, AJ, as his eyes opened this morning and smiles at me and raises his arms to me. This moment instantly fills my love tank to overflowing as he crawls into my lap and takes a few moments to rest in my embrace, the moment is short as his tornado like personality is quickly engaged and then pressed into overdrive.

Let me not forget my spirit led 7 year old, Lexi, who needed me to stop a moment and listen to her latest song she wrote for Jesus. While tune and harmony may not be high on her priorities when singing, it is the most beautiful sound in that it emanates from the center of her heart on it's way to the throne room of God. At one point her eyes closed as she lifted her voice and I was transfixed by the pure innocence she embodied at that moment. Her perfect sense of belief and faith in God!

Funny thing is I never had a visual on 16 year old, Courtney, this morning. But rather only heard evidence of his heart beat as the pipes squealed when he showered and later cranked the music from behind his bedroom door. Being the most elusive of the Ballard Bunch he often moves stealth like thru the house at all hours of the day and night. Then there was the Gatorade evidence left on the counter that is always the last thing he does as he walks out the door each morning. That child and I have a way of communicating that is truly unique and while we didn't speak directly to each other this morning I sent him a text saying, "I love you and have a great day!" Then in response, "Love you too dad!" My heart is full!

Upon returning home from the daycare I could have jumped into clean it up and make it neat mode, but I had the privilege of spending about fifteen minutes of my morning talking on the phone with my mom. What a wonderful mom she is to me and Gram to my kids. I will be sharing more about her in future posts, but suffice it to say she is a strong confident woman of faith and I am blessed to call her mom. I love you mom!

Off and on throughout the morning I have been able to encourage a dear friend who needed someone to hear him and pray for him. What a blessing it is to give to those I care about. I KNOW this friend is destined to have a life full of adventure as he steps deeper and wider into whom he was created to be.

I KNOW this! Rather than see the remnants of a typical active busy morning, I see indication of love and blessings. I see the signs of a life well lived that focuses on what is important. I don't share this in an effort to toot my own horn, but to encourage you to not sweat the small stuff. Care less about the things that don't matter in the light of eternity and spend your time and energy on relationship, sharing love, being there for those you love and maybe even asking for those in your life to give to you when needed. Sure a clean, neat, organized home is something I still dream about, but honestly who cares! Would I trade that spotless house for what I had this morning? Nope, no way....NOT HAPPENING! This, I KNOW!