Some might say that life is truly a journey! A journey that
takes us to mountain highs and valleys low and tonight I find myself in neither
place! I find myself somewhere between the two most talked about places in
life. It would be easy for me to tell you all that I am in a valley lower than
I have ever been before, but I can honestly say I don’t feel that way this
evening. I find myself walking along a path on the mountain of my life. Yes my
life is a mountain. Some days I find myself high atop the peaks of my life truly
celebrating and reveling in the joys and blessings
I am surrounded by each day.
Then there are the days where I have allowed myself to succumb to the call of
the deep dark valleys.
Interestingly enough I have found comfort in both places
at various times in my life. Anyone who says that their life is one long
mountain or one long valley is lying and is in denial. I truly believe we are
not designed to stand still in one place for any length of time. Even our
bodies don’t ever stop, even when we are sleeping and lying perfectly still are
hearts are still beating, our minds are still dreaming and our blood still
flows. There is no such thing as a complete and total stop.
Oh believe me when I say that I have had moments in life
when I felt like I was at a complete and total stop, but honestly it was a
momentary arrest of the activity that made up my life on that given day. Maybe
it was the day in 2000 when I found out I no longer had my dream job and became
jobless for the first time as an adult! Or maybe it was the day in 2004 when I
scooped up my sleeping son in the late evening hours out of his bed and left
our home never to return in order to get away from an abusive ex. Could have
been the day in 2013 when my twelve year old swang a metal bat at my head in a
rage of anger and fear because he could not fathom the love I freely gave him.
It might have been the day late in 2014 when my wife had me served with divorce
papers. Many moments have clearly stopped me dead in my tracks, but life never
stopped and none of those “valley” moments were inescapable.
On the other hands the mountaintop blessings have been
overwhelming in my life. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Courtney in
2001, he was only two years old and happy and excited and just wanted to play.
It was eight months later when the judge said, “Mr Ballard do you take this
child to be your son!” I of course said yes! Then he looked at Courtney, who
was sitting in his lap, and asked, “Do you want that man to be your daddy!” It
was a proud moment when he looked at me and said, “Yes!” It was back in the
same courthouse ten years later I was given yet another amazing son, Will, to
be my son for better or worse! A year later in 2012 when a different judge
proclaimed that my beautiful daughters became mine. The joy I felt in my heart
that day was overwhelming. And just a couple of months later I had the privilege
of becoming the father of that sweet baby boy named “Lil Mac” now known as AJ! These
are truly some of my best mountain top moments in my life. Yet I couldn’t stay
on the mountain top as that is not real life.
Life is lived on the side of my mountain each day. Have you
ever looked at a mountain from a distance and been able to see paths and trails
and roads that go up and down, or maybe go across or even zig zag the mountain
from top to bottom. That is the life I lead, roaming from top to bottom and all
around. There may have been times on my mountain when I felt lost, but honestly
I was never truly lost, just slightly turned around or disoriented. Maybe even
walked down the same path one too many times and for some paths they are well
worn and marked by my footsteps. I have tumbled down some mountains in my life,
like the day in Guatemala in 1992 when I was trekking one of those zig zagging
trails and tripped and fell through the brush down to the next level of the
path. That stumble scared me and caused me to pause and look more closely at
the terrain around me.
Ok too much allegory for some of you I am sure! Heck it
feels a bit over kill to me. But I am trying to make a point. Life is not about
the good days or even the bad days, it is about the days in between when we are
just living and trying to survive and make sense of it all. Do I spend too much
time trying to make sense of it all, oh yeah, way too much time! How much time
do you spend? I have my favorite places to stop and ponder on my mountain as I
try and figure it all out. HA…is that possible I ask? Somedays I would lie in my
favorite hammock and ask the who, what, where, when, why and how questions of
my life. But for what purpose were those questions asked? To learn from past
success and failures? Does the past matter in the here and now? Oh geez here he
goes being all philosophical again! Which is my point! (You are asking what is
the point right?)
Just the other day I was driving and all of sudden I thought
about a pivotal moment in my life where I made a significant life decision that
didn’t turn out at all like I thought it would and started playing the, “What
If” game. I was astounded at how far I allowed myself to imagine what life
might have been had I made a different decision in that moment in time. I went
on to determine that there were other clear crossroads in my journey that were
clear markers of significance that changed my life beyond anything I ever
thought possible. I was able to come up with four distinct moments in time that
clearly changed the direction of my life. It became so clear for me as I
allowed myself to think and consider! Then it occurred to me, that I would most
likely have still ended up right where I am today! Some of you might be saying
in response to my conclusion, “Or not!” And you are right, “Or not!” I will
never know.
It is easy for us to play devil’s advocate and dream and
imagine the different paths and sojourns our life could have taken had we
turned left instead of right. Yet I know that I am where I am now as a result
of choices made, both good and bad, and that how I move forward from here is up
to me. It is not dependent on my soon to be ex-wife, my kids, the judge,
President Obama or even Donald Trump. It is up to me and where I continue to
place my focus and my trust as I continue to explore my mountain life.
I guess that makes me a mountain man, how is that for a
mental image. Rugged jeans, flannel, scruffy beard and long hair and my boots
(can’t forget my boots). Standing there on the porch of my cabin which sits
near a lake on a hillside that overlooks the valleys low and gives me a clear
view of the mountain highs I know I am not alone! Many days the life of this
mountain man feels lonely yet I know I am not alone! The spirit of the ever
living Creator of my mountain stands within me to guide me and keep me!
So again you are asking what my point is. Here is my point.
My journey has brought me to a place of what could clearly be one of the lowest
valleys I have ever experienced. I might lose my kids and only be able to see
them a few hours a week. You know how I feel about my kids and how I treasure
my role as daddy, father, pops and dad, yet it is being minimized and dismissed
right before my own eyes. It makes no sense, not one IOTA! Yet it could very
well happen but I will not allow the valley to suck me in. You see my point is
that no matter what happens in this situation I don’t know what will happen
until it actually does! I don’t know what will happen after the final ruling is
made and what other factors might affect the situation as a whole. The variables
of this situation are many and as I stand on the front porch and look and pray
for a mountain top moment, I have to stay here and hold my ground here on my
mountain and stand firm and know that my Creator has my backl my sides, and my front!
Here is what I know today…
1)
I want a real cabin on a mountain someday!
2)
I don’t really like to wear flannel, makes me
itchy!
3)
My creator God is awesome and has His hands all
of over this situation and I have to stand firm and trust in Him whether I am
on the porch, on the peak or down in the foggy glen.
4)
I love my kids so much it hurts.
5)
It is not over until it is over, I will never
stop fighting for my kids!
