Hello hospital my old friend....

 Well after a perfectly nice and relaxing day yesterday, I once again ended up here at Capital Region Medical Center in Jefferson City. It was strangely odd and comforting to awake in this familiar place. It has been 19 months since my last visit to the hospital. There have definitely been some upgrades since my last stay, but we will talk about that later. 

As I said earlier it had been a perfectly lovely day, Spent time with my mom and dad and our closest friends of over 50 years yesterday. Stopped by the store on my way home. Got home and was comfy. The dogs were cuddled on my bed. I had made me a batch of popcorn to munch on and had a coke near by and was all Netflix & Chill! About 8 pm I got up off the bed to let Howie (the golden doodle) outside. As I stepped across the the room something hit me and I staggered. I can recall like a bright flash in my brain and then suddenly I felt a hard thumping in my chest right where the ticker hangs out. I stumbled on down the hall and found myself struggling to breathe and I paused for a second. Then I realized I was fading, like the world around me was slowly going dark. I was able to get to the door to get Howie out of the way. Fighting the darkness closing in I turned back around to try and get back to my bed. 

Then another bright flash in my brain and again I felt light headed and was fighting the urge to panic as I stopped and leaned on the wall of the hallway as my chest was experiencing heavy pain and the loud thumps of someone trying to beat their way out of heart, I somehow stumbled back to my bed and collapsed. I laid on my bed and felt myself almost coming and going. I don't think I ever completely lost consciousness, but it was close. I knew something was not right so I called 911 on my phone. My daughter Lexi was in the house, but I knew she wouldn't hear me if I called for her and honestly didn't have the strength to call out. I called 911 and told them I thought I was having a heart attack or something and that I needed help. 

They asked me all the questions and dispatched the EMS team. I was able to explain the situation with the dogs and my daughter and they would have to tell her what was going on as she had no idea I was in distress. An entire complement of some of Jefferson City's best EMS folks made their way through the catacomb to get to my bedroom where I was waiting for help. When they arrived my heart was still hard thumping and I was still very in and out of awareness of the world around me. I think I was able to answer their questions. When they arrived my heart rate was 36 and they could not even hardly find a readable blood pressure. They hooked me up to a portable EKG and had me take some chewable aspirin and got the work. Before I knew what was happening I was being transported out of my bedroom in like a unzipped body bag and through the narrow hallway to a waiting gurney in the backyard. They got me up the hill and loaded up and off we went for a three minute ride to Capital Region Hospital. 

By the time I was situated in the ambulance things had started to improve. My stats were moving towards normal though still not in the good range. The team at the ER sprung into action just like you see on Gray's or ER on tv. Lot's of questions were being called out to me as they shifted me from the gurney to the ER bed.  "3,2,1 and slide." I think I did pretty well with all that. I did notice have some issues with word recall when talking which is unusual for me. Luckily the EMS had already started a line so new pokes were needed. It is all kind of a blur now but I knew I was safe and would be well cared for. 

As things settled down and the replay of events was provided multiple times they started their differential process of identifying what happened with the 54 year old white male who presented with heart attack symptoms and low stats. They would go talk and then come back and ask me more questions. What you the reader may not know is that I was diagnosed with Bronchitis a week ago at the Urgent Care. I was given a Zpac (antibiotics) and a Prednisone Pack (steroids) and an inhaler (albuterol) and sent me on my merry way. Long story short I was back in the Urgent Care on Friday still struggling. So they decided to go ahead and give me a Steroid Shot (ouch!) and sent me home with another script for daily steroids for another week. As I was walking out the door the nurse said don't start the oral doses until Saturday since we gave you the shot today. I am glad she said that I probably would have once I picked them up at the pharmacy. 

Returning to the current situation at hand in the ER, the doctors are trying to ascertain if this is really a heart issue or some sort of bronchitis issue. The current vein of thought is that I was given way too much steroids this week. When I arrived at the hospital my blood sugar level was over 500, five times the healthy range! Steroids have a wonderful knack for messing with blood sugar levels. 

I also mentioned to them that I had a headache creeping up the back left side of my head that felt weird and odd. I mentioned my dad's history of TIA's (mini strokes) and the my issue throughout the evening of having a hard time with word recall while talking. She did a basic neuro exam and everything presented normal, but in the back of my mind I was thinking my dad always does too. 

How that relates to the heart pain and and thumping is also a mystery, then then they start talking about a potential blood clot in the lung and considering having me evaluated for that, but before that they started that process they began massive fluid loading me through the IV as my heart rate was still high and if it were a blood cult (Pulmonary Embolism) then my heart rate would not respond to the high dose of fluids. Luckily the blood rate went down, though not normal down, but enough to rule out blood clot. Sigh of relief on that one. 

Overall my pain, pressure and heart thumps had pretty much dissipated and the blood work showed that it was likely not a heart attack, but still not a clear answer that explains the episode I had. Doctor and I talked and decided admission was the best plan for observation and additional testing. They would call in cardiologist on call to come see me in the morning. 

So all that to say that I am in the hospital I am safe and stable. I will be here at least another day for more testing on my heart tomorrow morning. They have been monitoring my glucose levels closely. I was at 223 this morning and just around 11:30 I was down to 126. They did give me a dose of insulin this morning but I am hoping it is not an ongoing concern or need. Ughhh I can't do that! 

I was finally rolled into room 3515 about 2 am for my stay here at the luxurious Capital Region Ritz! I have had about 3 to 4 hours of sleep so far. Thanks to my family, I have the things I need to survive, computers, phones and chargers and have quiet day on deck. Maybe a bit bit lonely so feel free to text. I hate talking on the phone so don't call me. LOL Just being honest. 

Stay tuned and we will see what comes up tomorrow in this enverend journey of mine I call life! 

Love - Light - Blessings to you all

Where does that leave your heart....

 It has been a while, but when my fingers start to stir I got to push some letters and numbers on a keyboard. 

As a human, and an individual with a soul, as someone who longs to give and receive, how do you want to be received at the end of a long day! Do you notice those days when you come home and find no one to welcome you! Where does that leave your heart?

What does your favorite dog do when you arrive home after being a way for a few hours, days or longer? The tail is probably wagging with enough energy to start a car. They might have the zoomies as they are so excited they can't stand still long enough to believe you really came back like you promised. Maybe they were so happy to see you they left a little piddle on your shoe, the excitement just squirted right out of them. How do you react when you are greeted like this? Are you smiling? Are you  scrunched down on their level talking to them in your best doggie woggie voice while scratching behind the ears and giving belly rubs? Where does that leave your heart? 

After 60 years of marriage you arrive home from another run to the store because you were out of two things and couldn't wait until you needed 5 things so you went today. Walking thru the door you look into the family room to find your mate right where you left them an hour ago sitting in their chair under their blanket surrounded by an assortment of collected items they carried to their little spot in the universe to keep them comfortable. Walking in giving a gentle kiss or pat on their arm letting them know you were back, for them to only just then realize you were gone as their mind keeps them locked in a a different place due to dementia. You recognize a familiar sadness in your soul but you know you are home and where you belong. Where does that leave your heart? 

Maybe you are one of the ones to come home and find your mini me waving in the window as you pull in the drive way. Maybe they are standing by the door yelling with glee that daddy's home or mommy's home. They come a running and quickly throw their arms around you and hold on for dear life and so happy to see that you really came back like you promised. Those little squeezes and belly blaster szlurberts (it was an 80s word) are just the introduction you needed to being home again. Where does that leave your heart? 

Then there are the days when you roll in the drive way to find the house quiet, but yet peaceful and calm to find your mate sitting quietly on the couch awaiting your arrival so they can share their day with you and vice versa. Holding hands quietly or swiping away an out of place strand of hair as you talk quietly and share the promises and the fears of your day, but quietly reassured that you both really came back like you promised. Feeling wanted and loved and accepted. Where does that leave your heart? 

Some days when you arrive home it may not be so great. The fridge is broke and leaking on the floor. Your mate is still fighting end of day traffic and picking up fast food for dinner. Your teenagers barely acknowledge your presence with a grunt through their ear buds. You are already tired and grumpy and collapse into your favorite chair that is covered in some unknown substance and while not the beautiful Hallmark welcome you had hoped for, you know you are home Even in the mess you recognize it as your mess and your home and where you belong for better or worst. Where does that leave your heart?

For some, the coming home moments are moments to avoid. Walking into the dark or empty house and you catch yourself calling out their name only to remember that they are gone. That have already gone home and await your arrival. Meals in silence with the background of the tv in background to drown out the loneliness. The nights asleep on the couch or recliner to avoid the emptiness of the bed. At the end of those days you await a phone call from one your own just to say hi, now you don't call them because you don't want to be a bother. Yet the house is full of reminders, photos and mementos of a life well lived but where does that leave your heart? 

Imagine your life if you will, as one long day! And at the end of that day is when you breathe your last, who and how do you want to be greeted on the other side of that door. 

I came across a video on FB today and it spoke to me and made me smile and shed a tear even, because I found it powerful. See below! Click the next line and watch.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/600901465572558

https://www.facebook.com/reel/600901465572558

Now that you watched that video and hopefully have taken a moment to process which one you might be most like when you arrive at the end of your long day and come face to face with HIM! How will you react? Fun to think about, 

But the one thing I noticed each time someone met Him was that his reaction was always the same. No matter how the other's greeted him, He was smiling and his countenance full of JOY for you had come home. He touched and embraced and smiled and laughed and comforted and gave peace and forgiveness. He gives all these things to those He loves and cherishes! Just like the emotions your dog or toddler or mate or whoever was there when you came home at the end of the day they welcomed you and offered you what you needed at that moment. Now hopefully He won't piddle on your foot but maybe a szlurbert would be fun! 

Where does that leave your heart? 

Guilt and Failure

 Guilt and failure are powerful tools for both defeat and success. In this household we have reached a critical crossroads with our youngest son AJ. The monsters and demons of mental health have once again reared their ugly heads and hit this 10 year old boy with a vengeance. I have shared bits and pieces of his story and that of his oldest sister's over the past few months and years. Yet their journeys continue to twist and turn through their young lives. 

Let me first and foremost say I recognize that I am sharing THEIR stories - and let me assure you that they have given me permission to share their stories if it helps themselves and others in the long run. If I have learned anything in my life is that living a life of transparency is a hard difficult choice, but it is the choice that allows me to live in the light and in freedom. Free from guilt and fear and secrecy and even paranoia. I challenge my children to live with a self concept that accepts themselves for who they are warts (mental health issues) and all. Until we as a society destigmatize the mental health crisis that we are living in then young people such as AJ and Lyric will continue to scream silently (or not so silently) for help. 

Since late summer 2021 we have watched AJ turn inward and more downcast than ever before. We have had periods of similar challenging behavior from him in the past, but we have always been able to move past it. This time he has continued to cycle downward over the past 6 months. Days upon days of struggle have encompassed this family. I have heard it said that ANGER is FEAR turned inward. Let me be the first to tell you that this boy is experiencing some intense fear in his life as his outward anger is out of control to the point that he is hurting himself, his mother and I, his siblings, his peers and teachers and support staff at school. His professional treatment team is trying so hard to do what they can to find the answers for AJ, yet we continue to keep coming back to the drawing board. 

AJ is not responding to typical therapeutic medications and treatments for a child his age with mental illness issues. The medicines either do not work or make the situation worst. He has nearly spent more days out of school than in school due to his behaviors at school which are very challenging for school staff. Let me say that his school staff team have been awesome this year and are doing everything they know to do to help him and keep him in school as much as possible. His principal, the school behavior coach and the special education team are working their hardest to support AJ to be successful, sadly his mental health issues are keeping his success at bay. 

We reached a point last week when we took him to the psychiatric hospital by ambulance but there were no beds to keep him. The doctors knew he needed to be admitted but they could not hold him longer than 36 hours, which was just long enough for AJ's mom and I to get a full night of sleep. No place for him in this safe place because the place was full. They called five different facilities within 2 or 3 hour radius and they were all full. This country is so blinded by the COVID epidemic that they are not looking at the other epidemic that is going on and becoming worst. And now they are saying that one of the long term effects of COVID is long term mental health issues for kids and adults both who have had COVID. AJ has not had COVID and he has been tested several times over the past few months and always came back negative.

Yesterday a bed was finally found for him to be hospitalized yet again as we continue to find the right combination of therapies to keep his mental illness in check. A combination that will allow him to participate in life and school and fun regular 10 year old stuff without constantly fighting on the front line of his own personal war. I spoke with the doctors today and begged them to keep him as long as needed to get it right. So often they only keep 3 - 5 days and make changes and do not really assess if the protocols they changed actually helped. They send him home and see how he does, but in the mean time it only causes more damage to him as we have found very few right answers for him.

Please hear me when I say, I WANT HIM HOME NOW, there is no better place for him to be, but right now he needs more help than we can provide. He needs more safety protocols than we can provide for him at home. AJ's mom and I have scratches, bruises and horrible memories of having to physically restrain him here at home to keep him and of our family safe. There are holes in walls and items destroyed here in our him. His sisters need to be relieved from the stress of living with his anger outbursts and verbal assaults and threats. I miss my sweet boy immensely and want nothing more than his sweet hugs right now. Yet I know he is where he needs to be. I just hope and pray this is the time the doctor's get it right!!!! 

It is easy for me to fall into the self defeating thoughts of guilt and failure as his parent. What did I do wrong? Am I expecting too much? Does him being away from me damage my relationship with my son? Am I making the right choices? Have I failed him? I know I am not perfect, but so many times I feel like I have failed him and get caught in the river of guilt that goes with this journey. While there is relief that he is temporarily safe and under someone else's care it comes with guilt that I have failed him somehow if I cannot even keep him safe here at home. So whether he is here or at the hospital I am always trapped under a load of my own emotional baggage. So as I was pondering all these things I realized the guilt and failure could be used in two ways. They can be used to trap me into the crazy cycles of emotional turmoil or they can be used to facilitate change and demand answers for my son's well-being long term. 

I do not know what is different now other than I am sick and tired of my son being tormented by mental illness. I am done with the mental health system wreaking havoc on him and this family. I am determined now more than ever to get answers and solutions to give my boy relief. Now is the time to keep digging more and more and more. No more half assed answers from professionals. No more this is best we can do for now results! We are not just going back to the drawing board but new drawing boards we have never explored before. 

We need our family and friends to join us on this journey. So many people are wary of getting involved! Please do not let your own fear and ignorance get in the way of reaching out and offering an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on or a meal to share or whatever you have to offer. Lyric and AJ's mom, Julie, and I are tired and worn out and doing our best to keep things moving forward. This situation has effected our jobs and our finances and our friendships and relationships with others. It has impacted how we can be there for our parents when they need us. If our kids had cancer or some other hideous medical condition would you hesitate to reach out? Mental Health is a medical condition and can be life threatening if not kept under control. We need your prayers and if you know of a specialist or someone who tried this or that feel free to send your thoughts to us, don't expect us to do every idea you send us because we have tried a lot over the past few years. 

Our world has shrunk quite a bit as a result of our kids journeys with mental illness over the past few years. Part of that is our fault as we were lost in our own feelings of shame and failure regarding our kids mental health issues, but we are moving beyond that now. Honestly when people say how can they help I don't have a good answer. But knowing people are willing definitely helps. 

Please do not forget about AJ, Lyric, Alexis, Will, Courtney, Julie or I as we continue to navigate this difficult mountainous and valley filled journey we are on. Thank you for caring enough to read this all way through. We will keep you posted. 

Helpless

 When you first come to the realization you are going to be a parent you have so many overwhelming emotions. Joy, exhilaration, fear, anxiety, love and so many more. The one thing I never thought I would feel as a parent would be the feeling of complete and total helplessness. Never have I felt so helpless as I have the past 48 hours since AJ entered the hospital. Very little information and very little contact and very little reassurance from anyone in the facility that my son is going to be ok. I have felt totally helpless. 

Yes of course we must trust the system, but you know what, every where I look I see evidence of broken systems. AJ would not be in the hospital if it were not for the fact he is a product of a broken system. His biological mother was part of a broken system which failed her which ultimately failed AJ. How am I supposed to trust any system at this point. All five of my kids are products of broken systems. To be honest we have all been a product of a broken system some time during our lives. And those broken systems have left us helpless in some way. 

It was not until Julie and I called repeatedly. Left multiple messages for multiple people and even then it took hours to get answers about the well-being of our child. During these hours we imagined all sorts of things that could be going on with our son. There was even a moment or two yesterday when I felt I was on the brink of an all out panic attack as I didn't know what he was experiencing and who was really caring for and what they were or were not doing for him. I am not a paranoid pictures but I have heard the stories and watched the stupid made for television movies about such places. When we signed the admissions paperwork we had to automatically trust those people in that hospital that they were going to do right by our son. We have never had any interaction with this facility in the past and could only go with our gut that we were making the right choice for him. 

We experienced moments of doubt and wondering aloud of, "What have we done to our son?" "Did we really do the right thing?" We even started thinking about breaking him out of THAT place tomorrow if we didn't get answers and reassurances from the hospital that we had made the right decision. He is our child! Our responsibility, that we take very seriously and will do whatever we have to ensure his well being is always first priority That goes for each of our children and I think they all know that by now. 

But feeling HELPLESS is not ok. It is unsettling and nerve wracking We have never given up control of our child to someone else like this before. We have never completely let go. This is worst than experiencing a child moving out and moving away. At least then we know where they are and can pick up a phone and contact them whenever we want. We have very strict limits as to when we can speak to our son, and that is if it is convenient for the hospital staff. We are blessed that our son love us and wants to speak to us and usually calls us two or three times a day. The phone calls are short and he always asks, "When can I come home." and "I miss you so much daddy." Yes I have tears in my eyes when he suddenly says, "Ok bye," and then he is gone. Helpless forces me to trust someone else and I guess this goes to prove I do not trust others, especially with the well-being of my son. I do not think that is necessarily a bad thing, just not a familiar place for me be in. 

So yes we got some answers today and have a sense of what to expect in the days ahead. I am still struggling with feeling I am not doing enough for my son. Like most parents I would move heaven and earth for my kids. In many ways I have done that in the past for all my kids in various ways, but it never seems to be enough does it? I do not think of myself as a helicopter parent as I am all about letting my kids make choices and experience success and failure. There is still a part of me that wants to pave the roads before my children so their journeys will be easier, so they won't have to experience this feeling of being helpless. 

Insidious

 The only word that describes my feelings today is "INSIDIOUS!" Today was another watershed moment for me as a father. My youngest child, who is only nine years old was admitted to a mental health facility. 

You have likely read the travails of our previous experiences with mental health with kids and adolescents through the story of my oldest daughter. Who thankfully seems to be fairly stable right now. Currently we are able to focus on future plans for her, which is so much easier than constantly treading water. Sadly this stage will likely change at some point, but we will enjoy these moments with her while we can. 

If anyone has ever met my youngest son, AJ, you undoubtedly met a smart, charming, cute and outgoing kid. For 90% of the time he is helpful and loving and caring. Always thinking about what is next and when he can hang out with one of his friends again. He does not like being alone and wants to always be engaged with another human at all times. He hates to read but excels at math, He has a perfectionistic streak and while he won't admit it, the opinions of others matter to him greatly. He idolizes his big brothers, Courtney and Will, and misses them both so much now that they are both out of the house. He adores his older sisters, Lyric & Alexis, but can't help but annoy the hell out of them on any given day or I should say everyday. He loves and cares about his grandparents and frequently tells them so and offers his services to them in anyway possible to make their lives easier, provided they have cookies or ding dongs for a reward. They think they have him trained, I am thinking he has them trained. AJ and his mother have a beautiful bond that rivals other moms and their little boys. She is the only one that can make a perfect grilled cheese and she is the best cuddler he knows. AJ loves me as his dad and he knows I mean business when the time comes, but he also knows I will not ever leave him alone, I will be there when he calls and that I am best the tickler and prankster around and can always make him laugh. 

 I hope he knows that he is the one that makes my heart smile and beam. Even when he is being his worst self (the mental illness) he can still make me smile. I often stand in the doorway of his room at night after he finally falls asleep and gaze upon his face and whisper prayers to God above for his well-being. If you knew the challenges we face with him on a daily basis, many would question how can we love this child You know what, my love for him comes easily and never once have I wavered in my love and affection toward him. 

He has had a rough few months, which equals we have all had a rough few months. Issues at school, issues with peers, food and sleep issues, med changes, and so much more all culminated in a significant event that occurred yesterday that shook us all to the core. It resulted in several hours in a psychiatric emergency room only to be denied access to services once the assessment was completed. Then resulted in several very challenging and physically exhausting hours at home with while trying to find other treatment options. Finally at 8 pm last night after many phone calls and discussions with various providers we were able to secure an admission to the hospital this morning at 9 am. 

As you know this is not the first time as a parent that I have driven the road to a mental health facility. AJ may be the youngest, but he is the third of our children to spend time in a psychiatric facility. So many times I prayed we would never have to walk this path with him yet here we are. It had been suggested before, but we could never bring ourselves to agree. This incident was different and scary and we knew that this was the only option. 

I admit I am afraid. Here is what I am afraid of, that AJ will come back to us a different kid. Maybe he will come back to us jaded or negatively impacted by his experiences. They expect he will be there 7 to 10 days and we are not allowed to visit him during that time, thanks to COVID! We can call him daily and check in with him. I am afraid that this time away will change his connection to us somehow maybe for the better or maybe for the worst? I have said many times he is way too connected/dependent on his mom and I, but is that all bad? He is only nine. Do we need our kids to grow up so fast? I think he needs to be more independent and we can hope this experience helps him in that arena. He is never been away from both of us for this long. He has always had one of us except for summer camp which was only 4 nights and he did great. 

My other fear is that starts a long road of facilities and programs in order to keep him safe. The same path that both his older brother and older sister took. I am afraid this first hospitalization will only be his first, but I long for it to be his only. I want good sound answers and solutions found during this time, but if there is one thing I have learned about Mental Health is that there are no easy questions and no easy answers. Is it wrong to want a smoother ride for my child, not one marked by mental illness. 

Further I fear, and I know it is irrational, but I fear that this is all my fault. Three of my five kids have mental illness, what is the common denominator here? Their mother and I and the way we raised them are a common denominator. How is it that so many of our kids are affected by this insidious disease? Granted all five of our children are adopted so they do not come by it through our genetic patterns, so it must have been something we did in how we raised them and treated them to make them this way. RIGHT???? I know, I know, but I would be lying if I did not succumb to these thought patterns at times. I know we have been good (not perfect) parents to our five amazing kiddos. I think the only genetics involved here are those they were given by their biological parents and there is a history of mental illness in their biological families.

 In AJ's case, we truly believe the defining factor was bio mom's use of drugs during the early months of her pregnancy. We have done so many tests and treatments and supplements and etc. that no other explanation makes sense other than prenatal exposure to drugs. NOT HIS FAULT - yet he is the one how has to live with the consequences of his bio mom's stupid choices. All those years ago I used to think my love and influence and NURTURE could overcome his NATURE. Well, my kids quickly taught me that is not always the case. We can't win over the inherent nature that our kids are born with and forced to live with all their lives. Oh how I wish we could win that battle, but it is not to be. Some things just cannot be changed or overcome and sadly MENTAL ILLNESS is included in that list. 

Mental Illness is insidious as it has no rhyme or reason or pattern and it is no respector of persons in whom it chooses to attack, including my 9 year old amazing son. I ask in the days ahead to keep him in your thoughts and prayers as well as the rest of of us here at home. AJ's life force is strong and will not be ignored and not having it here on a day to day basis will be hard though an opportunity for some respite for us as well.

The Single Parent and the Teenager with Mental Illness

Let me just say I am not a single parent. I am blessed that my former wife and I can still work together for the well-being of all our children. Over the past few weeks, I have had the experience of being a single parent. One week (actually 10 days) for the mother of my children to take a much needed vacation and spend some time with her mother. Then a week after she returned she left for a business trip and was away for five days. It was during those times I felt like a single parent and damn it was hard.

I started out my parenting journey as a single parent. I adopted my oldest son when I was single and he was only two years old, that was 19 years ago. Courtney and I were alone together just him and I against the world until he was eight and I married the woman who eventually adopted him as her own. We both had to adjust to life with this woman in our lives. It was an adjustment for all three of us, but we figured it out. Throughout the years of our marriage my former and wife had times where one of us had to be away for a day or two or even longer, leaving the other home alone with The Bunch, however many there were in the family and living at home. We ended up with five kids that we call our own, but we have experienced coming and goings as a result of trauma, drama, mental illness, life changes and milestones met. I explain all that to say being a parent is tough for anyone and has its ups and downs. Any parent who is reading this would agree.

There are nights you fall into bed so exhausted you cannot even get undressed. Then there are nights when you fall into bed with gratitude for the beautiful family you have had the pleasure to spend your day. I have had many nights where I have stood in the doorway of a sleeping child's room in the stillness and watched their chests rise and fall. Seeing their closed eyes in the rays of moonlight that filtered through the windows. Those moments of awe and peace were beautiful and I treasure those moments always. Yet when you are the only parent in the house and especially for many days in a row, there are not many opportunities to count your blessings. 

During these days of single parenting, I was privileged to have my parents step in and help with things here and there. Yet in an attempt to protect their roles as grandparents I am careful what I ask of them. Managing meals, back packs, home work, medications and appointments while still trying to work as a single parent is at times overwhelming. Yet there is my single parenting days over the past few weeks where it included a teenager with mental illness on top of it all. One of the reason's my former wife and I have chosen the living arrangement we have is so that we do not have to be a single parent to our kids. I have referred in previous posts of how we tap in and tap out with each other as needed. That is hard to do when you are across town from each other. Believe me when I say this arrangement is not always easy or convenient for this formerly married couple. We have had to forgive and let go of the past hurts and pain and move forward for the sake of our children and our own sanity. 

Back to my days of single parenting, they were hard and challenging and in the midst of all that was when I started blogging about life with my daughter with mental illness. Those days brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts that I just needed to get out of my system. Yet it has taken me on a deeply personal internal journey of how I truly feel about this child of mine, the teenager with mental illness. I am going to be very candid and open with my readers now and I hope you will give me grace and understanding as I share what I have to say. 

I have a very defined and clear understanding of my love for my daughter. I know that she is my daughter and I cannot imagine her not being in my life. My love for her is a defined fact that will not be disproven. Yet if truth be told, I do not always like her. She can be mean, spiteful, vengeful, hateful, selfish, demanding, whiny, confused, annoying, calculated and many other attributes and names I have attributed to her in my mind during the days when her disease if working in over drive. It is hard to overlook the actions of this daughter of mine and remember it is her illness making her take these actions (though some are hormonal), and just take it all. She has called me a liar, a killer, a thief, a kidnapper, horrible parent, demented, crazy, stupid, ugly and many more names that I care not to repeat including words I would never ever say aloud. She knows every curse word in the book and maybe some that she made up. She can slam doors and throw things and storm out the door and march down the street in anger. She can write me notes and letters telling me what she really thinks of me. I know I am not alone. I know many parents have experienced such moments with their children at one point or another. Yet I do not know many parents who can say they have experienced that for so many days in a row for months and years on end. That can wear on a guy. That can wear a dad out. That can really drain my grace tank. I sometimes run out of grace. 

There is no joy in admitting that I have yelled back at her at times. I acknowledge that the vitriolic screams and accusations that she hurls at me do indeed hook me and trigger every bone in my heart and mind at times. I have dreamed about getting up and walking out the door and getting in my car and driving away and never coming back, but I have not. There have been many times when I have thought about just refusing to deal with her anymore and telling her mother that I want nothing more to do with her and she is all her problem now, but I have not. I have gone so far and imagined what our family would like if she were not in it and wonder if it would have been better. Remember I am being painfully honest here people. It hurts me to share these thoughts, but they are real. This is what living life with a teenager with mental illness can do to a person. 

It is during those times when I am single parenting that I struggle the most with those feelings and emotions Those are the times when I am her only target that I feel it the most. Many days I can deal with it, but after several days of single parenting with her it gets old and exhausting and frankly I just shut down to it all. It is in those times where I am just doing what I have to do to get through the day while keeping everyone safe and alive. You have to remember I not only have my daughter with mental illness to care for, but my two younger children are in the home as well. I have to attend to their needs as well and honestly they do not always do well when their big sister is demanding all my time and energy while single parenting. It is not unusual when my daughter is struggling that one of the younger ones will be on their own roller coaster and need more support than normal. Therefor my energy becomes more sapped than ever as I try to keep all the plates spinning. We sometimes joke and ask each other, what did we do to end up with such a diverse group of kids that have become ours both in love and law. 

Lifting my glass to single parents everywhere, it is a tough job! It is not for the faint of heart. Frankly, I don't recommend it, especially when dealing with a child/teenager with mental illness. It will drain you and take its toll on you. You will feel like you have been physically beat up and mentally fried. Eleven year ago we did not know our daughter had a mental illness when she came to live with us at the age of 6-years. We expected there would be challenges as she was considered a special needs child as she was over the age of five in the foster system and had a lot of memories and feelings associated with her bio mom and their life together before the state separated them. We also knew going into it that she had some developmental delays that we would need to address and we were glad to do what needed to be done. As she has gotten older her life has complicated ours more than we ever thought possible, yet here we are still plugging along one day at a time. 

This evening my co-parent returned home after being on a five day business trip and whew am I tired. As she settled into the family routine again I slowly eased my way out and took my leave and went to my domain and started to breathe and decompress, so I could start the recharge process. It is what we do and how it works for us as a unit. 

Let me conclude by saying LOUDLY and CLEARLY, I love my daughter just the way she is. I appreciate who she is as a child of God. I recognize her gifts in art, creativity, boldness, curiosity, resolve, honesty, goofiness, and desire to want to be healthy and whole. 

The Eyes of a Teenager with Mental Illness

 Her eyes are deep brown and at times sparkle and reflect joy and pure elation. Other days her eyes are dull and lifeless and appear to be sunken in with dark circles beneath. Many times we can tell her mental status just by looking at her eyes. We have all heard the notion that a person's eyes are a window to their soul. Yet there are days when I look into her eyes that I am scared and fearful of what I see. 

She can bubble and sparkle and be giddy and silly and screech for joy, much to the chagrin of all nearby ears. Her laugh is loud and boisterous and at times forced as she feels it is the appropriate response in a given situation. Sometimes her ability to track social cues is skewed and those laughs come at inappropriate times. We have all had those moments of social faux pauxs, yet for her they are regular occurrences. If her mother or I are nearby we may flinch at the awkward moment and try to discreetly redirect her in hopes she will accept our direction and move on. There are times when she does not accept the direction and makes the moment harder for all involved. During her younger years it was easier for others to dismiss those moments. Now sadly that she is older and looks like a typical teenager and it is hard for people of overlook. She is a classic case of you cannot judge a book by it's cover. 

The eyes at times can be sunken in and dull with no true reflection being offered in return. These are the moments when her entire countenance changes to reflect how her mental illness is affecting her in that moment. These eyes can rule her body for an hour or days at a time. Episodes of dark brooding and extreme paranoia. At times she will stop and freeze in place, no matter what she is doing, and stay like that for a minute or even five and if we notice it we try and break her out of it. She is not able to explain what happens to her during those interludes of lostness. I wonder if during those episodes if the voices of her illness are trying their hardest to take complete control of her. On these dark days I feel as if the voices and imaginary things no one else can see or hear are trying to stage a mutiny on her mind. She sleeps more during these dark times and I suspect she is exhausted from fighting those voices and visions from a complete take over. The constant fight that must wage in her brain must be exhausting and I admire her for fighting the good fight. I pray each day that her strength be renewed to continue the fight and to never completely give in and surrender. 

During my moments of frustration and even righteous anger I struggle to remind myself not to be mad at my brown eyed girl, but to be angry at this insidious disease that is trying to overtake her. It is so hard to see beyond her face, which is lovely and beautiful, to see the monster that lies within and place blame where it belongs. Yet as a teenager she does have culpability at times. Herein lies the struggle as we try and distinguish if this a typical teenage reaction or is this a mental illness reaction. It can be a very hard distinction to make and at times we never truly know. 

Which brings me to her sad eyes which are brimming with tears as she tries hard to hold them back. It is when I see these sad brown pools of tears that I know she is trying so hard to understand what she is supposed to do. These moments where she does not understand ours or others frustrations with her. When she thinks she is spot on in her responses and actions only to find out she is still off. The real girl inside wants so hard to please and be accepted and struggles daily to find ways to do that. The little rivers of frustration trail down her cheeks as she tries to explain to us that she is trying and does not understand. The moments when she is so overwhelmed with sadness and frustration over the situation she finds herself in and knows there is nothing she can do. It is during these times that I find  myself the angriest, not at her, but at this stupid mental illness which has wreaked such havoc in her life. 

I have also seen angry eyes which shoots darts of death and mayhem at me or who ever she is upset with in that moment. Interestingly enough I feel that these angry shooting eyes are combination of her true self and of her disease. I think the eyes and feelings associated with them originate with my daughter but are then intensified and overtaken by the disease to the point she can lose control.  As the fiery darts are shooting from her eyes she is often yelling and screaming and sometimes even running after you to gain a physical hold of you. Honestly those moments scare me and I do not always know how to respond. My first goal is to keep everyone safe and to get the siblings out of the way as often times these moments are directed at them if not her mother and I. We have to think quickly as to how to deescalate her. We do not argue with her, but we encourage her use her words and we try to help her sort out truth from lies. Have their been times where she has done damage, well yes there have. Thankfully they have been far and few between. They have been as brief as 10-minutes to lasting a couple of hours. During these scenarios are when her mother and I tap in and tap out as needed. Sometimes we are both required to be a part of the intervention. When the siblings were younger it was harder to manage as they would get scared and need more reassurances. Now they have a sense of this being her illness and are able to separate without too much fear, but they do worry about their big sister and need reassurance once the episode is over. 

As I have written this post I find myself thinking of my own eyes and what she sees in my eyes. It is my hope and prayer that she sees love, compassion, truth and understanding. Yet I know there are times when she sees frustration, anger, disillusionment, exhaustion and maybe even nothing at all at times. The days are long for my co-parent and I. Each day we look into her eyes and try to gauge what we are going to get that day. Some days are full of light and bubbles and other days are full of darts and fire. 

All that being said, the eyes do tell a story. They are predictors of victory or defeat. The eyes are one of the keys to her well-being. What will she see in your eyes next time you encounter her or what will anyone see that you encounter throughout the day?